*Starrwriter sticks fork in eye*Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightshade
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*Starrwriter sticks fork in eye*Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightshade
Ooh, ooh, I've got one. What's Hawaiian, crabby, and has a fork in its eye?
A Hawaiian steamed crab with pineapple garnish. Boy, I crack myself up...
Much better, RobinHood. If you keep working at it, you might crack up someone else eventually.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Really, you think so? Gee willikers, that's awfully swell of ya to say so!!
What do you call a Stormtrooper with a hearing problem?
A Deaf Star!
there were two foreign policemen patrolling and getting bored so one of them suggests they talk English to each other and they agree. after a while...
1st P: hey boy you how much watch?
2nd P: *looks at his watch* six watch.
1st P: huh? such much watch? :lol:
You dont get it do you? *sigh* I did say I cant tell jokes earlier Im just defending the thread so in that spirit...Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
Q what did the policeman say to his tummy
A You're under awest
:D
There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count to three and those who can't.
Back to square one. And I bought a hearing aid last year, you young whipper-snapper.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
I know this one a bit different! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Taliesin
There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary and those who don't.
:p
I got these from the christmas crackers at the resteraunt last night
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers?
He was arreated for rustling
what's a hedgehogs favourite food?
Prickled onions
http://www.websmileys.com/sm/happy/542.gif
Where do hedgehogs go for fast food?
Sonic!!
Where do plumbers go for Italian?
Mario's!!
Where do Hyrulians go for sausage?
Link's!!
Why are there always patrolling four policemen in one car?
the first one knows how to drive, the second one know the traffic signs, the third one knows about traffic lights, and the fourth one loves hanging around with intelegent people.
Braggadocio
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
Reporting
When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking."
intelligent quotes....got these from a joke site
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
Since there were quite a few Canadians, I thought I'd post this joke. Asians
please don't take offense. It's just a play on an accent. Nothing offensive.
FOREIGN EXCHANGE
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line, just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too
Oh, I have a canadian joke also.....
Back at the start of the country the fouinding fathers were sitting around trying to come up with a name for their new country. One guy raised his hand and suggested "France". The chairmen vetoed that name as it was already taken. They went round and round trying to come up with a name. Late in the night somebody suggested they put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and whatever leters they pick out they'll make a name from those. That was the best idea so far so they gave it a try. The first guy steped up, picked out a letter and announced it to those gathered.
First: C eh.
Next: N eh.
Next: D eh
At last a joke from Papayahed that's actually funny!Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
(I love jokes about our brothers and sisters to the north. I grew up on them in Michigan.)
Three Wise Men
Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God. The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in. The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in. The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
This ones for Night:
A man wearing a green shirt walks into a deli. He asks the butcher for a tongue sandwich to go. The butcher asks "How do you want that tongue sandwich to go?" The man says "blblblbblblb" (you know - the sound you make when waving your tongue around)
hehee:lol:
thanks Im feeling better already :nod:
A few more for the collection.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a spanish footballer with no legs?
Juan Gracias
What is an amnesiacs favourite chat up line?
"Do I come here often"
:D :lol:
dont get the scond one though.
I never got the first one before but finally it clicked, I must be like the donky in the story
:D((g))
If you say it slowly it sounds like one grassy ***.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightshade
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
...i don't really find that funny...EEEEWW!!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
two funny pics
~shudders~Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
Bleeegh...
Courtroom Dialogue
Law Practice is considered to be one of the most
intelligent professions. These are actual transcripts
of the Delhi High Court precedings recorded in the
past one year.
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: Mr. Sharma, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your wife with you?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: Sergeant, when you stopped the defendant, were
your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: ok, anything else?
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "What time is it, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: So why did that upset you? Your honour, it
shows the abnormal mental state of the witness.
I got reminded of this joke by those irish trousers in the merryfolk thread:
What is the latest Irish invention?
An underwater hairdryer
Once upon a time there was a scotsman who had this chicken which used to lay one egg everyday, which the scotsman used to eat for his breakfast. Now, the scotsman lived next door to an englishman and one day the hen layed its egg on the englishmans side of the fence. The Scotsman went next door and told the englishman he wanted the egg, english guy says "its on my property,its mine."
Scotsman: "Ok, I know how to settle this, first I'll kick you in the balls. Then you kick me in the balls, and whoever recovers quickest gets the egg."
The englishman agrees, so the scotsman rears back and kicks him as hard as he can. Englishman is howling, but recovers and says "ok, my turn."
at which point the Scotsman responds: "you know what keep the stupid egg."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
it's a great one... lol... :lol: :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by kilted exile
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
> work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard
> her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph,
>
> "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home
early!".
> Ralph looked out the window and said,
> "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there.".
> Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!".
> So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
> outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
> running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
> clothes on his arm.
> One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?".
> Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the
> air blow over your skin while you are running.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your
> arm?".
> Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end
> of the run and get in my car to go home.".
> Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?".
> Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".
Another couple of jokes:
Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
Man: "Is it common ?"
Doc: "It's not unusual !"
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"
Christmas Italian Style
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
How about another male/female war:
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
Okay, you started it again.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Who are the most popular divorce lawyers in the western U.S.?
Smith and Wesson.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
nasty!
but still funny :lol: