Printable View
Work and school and work has taken up most of my time. Is there a kind volunteer here who would like to take over the task of replying to the poems people post on this thread? If you are interested, just PM me. I would hate to see this thread go into oblivion. :(
The evening`s shadows are growing longer,
As hazy twilight of dusk softly fades.
Silence falls all around,
Lingers profound - a hush prevails,
Even within silences` sound.
Changing colors - red, purple and a hue of green,
Give way to indigo, as the cool of the dark comes
creeping.
The glow of street-lamps pales the night.
Sheds a cold and ghostly light on a world that locked it`s doors,
That`s sleeping.
Passing faces mirror thoughts -
and for a fleeting moment we are aware,
That they hold questions which need answers,
But who does really care?
Curtains are being drawn hastily,
And the weight of silence lies heavily upon silent tongues,
Whereas they should debate, should communicate.
Still, they remain silent,
And the silence lingers -
yes lingers .... on.
This poem I posted some time ago and had it commented on by fellow poet
" keyheld ". Whilst all other poems posted by me can be located by me on
my posting site, the particular one titled "Mud in your eyes" I can no longer
locate. I would be very grateful, if someone could kindly enlighten me, why
this should be so.
Thanks very much - Sigvard
To everybody who has kindly taken the time to comment on my attempts at
writing poetry, if indeed it can be called poetry, I would like to say - many
thanks and much appreciated .
There are some further postings, perhaps some of you would kindly comment
on them too?
Again, a huge thank you,
Sigvard
I suggest you address your question va PM to either Logos or ScheherezadeQuote:
Originally Posted by Sigvard
Sigvard, all your poems are in this thread. The poem Mud in your eyes is entry 92 (click on page 7). If you want to find all of your postings, click on your own username and from the drop down options select "Find more Posts by Sigvard". This will list all of your postings and you can find whichever entries you're looking for from there.
Sigvard, I'm on a long trip tomorrow, but if I get time I'll read your poems and try and review. Fifth :)
My voice is loud,
Why can’t it be heard,
Are all people deaf, or am I mute
Why don’t they hear me, why.
Why can’t I be understood,
Why am I the only one who can hear my voice,
And it is so loud,
Louder than loud at times.
Why do they just see me and not hear me,
Why smiles are only for their seing
And not for the words coming out of my voice,
And it’s so loud,
Louder than loud at times.
Why do they feel my touch but don’t return it,
I wonder if I'd yell so loud and lose my voice,
Will they hear me when I have no voice.
I will keep silent, maybe they will hear me.
Now it’s quiet,
But I still hear my echo,
Screaming for understanding in my head.
Silence or not,
My mind is insanity's shelter,
because I can’t be heard.
Silence or not,
I can t be heard.
So I give up
So I give up and live in my insanity,
Mind of illusions,
Which is never silent.
Although I will keep silent,
Whilst my mind is insanity's shelter,
Silence or not.
Wookiedana
I`d like to enter TheFifthElement`s, to look at my poems
There is no Fifthelement thread with your poems in it. :rolleyes: the Poems you put in here to be reviewed are found on page seven of this thread as Fifth element pointed out. All you have to do is look back over the last few pages of the thread and find them. Or Just click on your name and go to "find more posts" and all your posts will show up.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigvard
it is very lonely in the city of the lost
the people walk around unaware of others
as others are unnoticed by all
so obsessed with self-absorption
they stand there screaming to be heard
afraid to give in to the realization
of the horrible thought, no one is listening
convinced of their own superiority
they yell louder
their arms held out and lifted up to the sky
oblivious to the passage of time
as their bodies age into dust
they keep repeating the same incoherent words
each word out of sync from the masses
bringing a hypnotically soothing tone
as the words become lost in each other
the tone heard by all and ignored by most
putting it off as background noise
others who hear it are trapped by its song
tinnitus: a ringing, the buzzing, a crackle or hiss
or so the doctors like to call it
but for those who have loved ones in the city
we know it so much more
helpless to free them from their prisons
we are left with the reminder of our own sins
I know this is Adolescent09's thread but I have to say...Dry-ice, I love "The Ringing". It is very nice and so true. The images painted and the descriptions are awesome. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you ShadowFire, I just thought it fit well with Wookiedana's... That and I had a headache. :)
I would appreciate any honest feedback, positive or negative! I'm a beginner at this whole writing poetry thing...this is one of my firsts. Thanks!
I cry
When I’m alone at night
And think of you and think of me
Force closed the window and it’s view
And bolt the colored shutters too
I lock the door and flip the switch
So darkness can be filling
With every ray of sunlight now banished from the room.
Curled up under heavy blankets
Filled with feathers and cotton balls
That get lumpy if I squirm too much
I lie still.
And try not to think…
Of you
Of me
Of who I am
So I won’t cry.
But in the darkness I can’t hide
Just like at night without the light
And feelings that I thought were slain
Reborn to torment to my grave
And hatred for the girl I am
Creeps up and stares me in the face
It mocks me, I am helpless.
But in the dark I have permission
To finally feel and free from prison
My twisted insides and tangled thoughts
That all day long I have concealed.
So in a fit of gasps and sniffles
I try to sleep and hope its sweet
While the color of my pillow changes
from little drops of salty water, little drops of me
And though my mind refuses God
I like to think he’s there with me
Holding out his crystal vial to catch the tears that I’ve set free.
Sidewaysview,
it doesn't matter what others think as long as you like it. Now on the other side, I can't stand rhyming poems, but the image is great. I would work on the line lengh and rhythm. Something like:
I cry when I’m alone
and think of you
thinking of me
Force closed
the window
it’s view
bolt the colored
shutters too
I lock the door
flip the switch
So darkness
can be filling
With every ray
sunlight now banished
from the room.
...
You done the hard part, just polish it up a bit.
Sidewaysview,
Well you could have fooled me about how new you are to poetry. Like Dry-ice said...the image is great. I feel some of what you say especially the lines about twisted thoughts. It is interesting...you seem to like the dark and yet as you are thinking in the dark you don't like it. It is an interesting conflict that has created beauty. I may be off but I like this poem all the same. Thank you for sharing.
Seperated by a black, metal gate
from the charcoal grey horses,
we faithfully gazed upon them
as their images disepated
beyond the reaches of light.
We stared uninteruptedly,
mezmerized by their silver manes
dancing in the swift, brisk breeze.
As the moments drew us closer
to the end of the night,
the winds began to harshen.
The distance between us lessened.
The icy breathe of a late autumn night
was masked by his solicitude.
Our eyes wandered;
we fixed our admiration
upon the flecks of light
illuminating the empitiness above.
Thanks for reading! This is my first poem, so I hope you like it! Please be VERY honest!
luthien -
There is something very compelling about this poem. It is one of those poems that I do not entirely understand but do not feel I need to. The surreal quality of the central images and the consistently hushed, intense tone is interesting enough to make me think and wonder, which is a fine thing for a poem to succeed at doing.
I think it could be improved with some minor revision. You also need to spellcheck.
I think the word "charcoal" in the second line is unnecessary, and in fact weakens the line. They are gray, that's enough. More is not always better when it comes to adjectives; in fact it usually is the reverse.
I like the phrase "we faithfully gazed upon them." What, it makes me wonder, is the mission of these people, so that they must be faithful?
The next two lines I think need some revising. "as their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light" is confusing. What are you actually trying to describe? Is each horse fading out at the edges? Is the herd disappearing into the distance? A rethink of what you mean here and a rewrite to capture it would strengthen that stanza.
The rest of that stanza I like very much. Again, the intensity of the watching is very interesting and gives one cause to think. (Mesmerized is the correct spelling there). The image of the grey horses, with their silver manes dancing in the "swift, brisk, breeze" (very good language choice there, the rhythm is lovely) is almost dreamlike.
I also very much like the first four lines of the next stanza. You write those line in two sentences, and in my opinion you choose to break them up most effectively. The language is simple and clean, but strong. I feel perfectly the cause and effect of the winds harshening (good word choice) and the watchers drawing close, as if to stay warm.
I do find the final two lines of that stanza confusing and intrusive. There is this sudden "he" and "his solicitude." It feels like these lines come out of nowhere. Who is "he"? Can these lines be rewritten to be more clear?
The final stanza is good just as is. Here we have the watchers shift their attention skyward, but it is as if something has distracted them, their gaze "wanders," and then they refasten their intensity on the lights above them. It seems that these watchers must observe with intensity, whatever they observe.
Well, those are my thoughts. I took you at your word when you said you wanted a heartfelt critique. Of course you will take anything I say and use it or not as you feel you should. But I would not have taken the time to write if I had not been struck by the piece. With a little work, it could be a very lovely poem. There is something of the spiritual in it, somehow, or perhaps that is just my way of taking your imagery and spinning it in my mind.
Good luck and keep writing.
Paige
I truely appreciate your views on my peice, however, i think an explanation is due in order for you to determine what makes sense. The horses are symbolic of waves. My boyfriend and I parked by the water's edge at night and watched the waves. The only waves visible were those lit by the headlights of his car, explaining why "their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light".
Being a personal experience, I do not know how I can clarify the "he" in the poem, whether I should introduce him earlier in the poem or not, I am unsure.
I also feel that there is no ending and I do not know how to end it. It feels like it just ends and it sounds unfinished. If you have any advise there it would be appreciated as well.
Once again thank you for your opinion. I enjoyed the review and your honesty.
I wondered about whether the title was to be taken literally or not. Now that I know, I can look at the pieces again with different eyes.
I'll answer your questions first:
I do not think you need to use "his" at all. Why not just say "The icy breath of a late autumn night was masked by solicitude"? This makes it clear that one of the watchers was solicitous toward the other. We don't need to know more.
I'm looking at the work "masked" there, though, and wondering if there is a better and more interesting word you could use. Do you really mean that the cold was hidden or covered over by solicitude? Think about that.
I don't agree that the poem is unfinished. I think it is complete. The night passes, as the watchers are mesmerized by the waves, and then, as the sky lightens, the mesmerizing quality of the waves is lessened, and the sky, instead, becomes the focus. However, rhythmically, it would be pleasing to have one more line in that last stanza (that's what I'm betting you are instinctively feeling - why it feels unfinished to you), and I would place it as the first line, and have it lead us to the transition of looking upward at the sky. Perhaps a line about some change in the horses because of the light. Read the poem out loud and when you get to that final stanza, mentally mark out the beat of a line before the first one, and see if that does not make the poem feel more complete to you.
Now that I am clear it is waves, your lines "as their images dissipated/beyond the reaches of light" makes sense. So leave that.
As for whether you need to set up a direct metaphor early on within the poem to make it clear that you are talking about waves, or whether the title is sufficient, well, I think I will leave that to you. The fact that I didn't entirely get it (I did briefly wonder about it) might be my fault only. It would be quite easy to insert something within the poem to make it more clear, but I would show the poem to others and see if they get it. If most do with just the title, then leave it as is. Or you could change the title a bit, if you feel most don't get it. But first see what reactions you get, you might find that everyone understands right away and I am odd man out!
luthien, I want to say again that I think that this is a lovely poem. It just needs a little bit of revision to bring it to total completion.
If you want to talk about it further, I'll be happy to do so. Again, I don't set myself up as an expert, or the last word. Please take what I say and use it - or not - as your heart tells you.
Paige
bullying
i used to see myself the best
i used to have it all
i used to be invincible
but bullies made me fall
i used to enjoy coming school
i used to feel so tall
i often see myself a fool
and now i feel so small
they call me names
they hit and kick
they throw my stuff around
they bully me and not my friends
what have i done wrong
i cut myself
untill they stopped
it never seemed to end
i often think
whats happened now
i wonder who i am
love i thought lost in time
BY ALEX COPLEY
WRITTEN IN THE MOMENT OF EMOTION
A love I felt so tender and true..
A love I thought that couldn’t be true..
As I think of how I feel..
This love to me is more than surreal..
A glimpse of what I didn’t think could exist..
Seemed to be something that slipped threw clenched fist..
At first I didn’t release what was sublime…
Something that seemed to be in its prime..
Through trials that seemed wouldn’t endure…
This love to me was more than pure..
Through time apart mind wonders, thoughts set in..
The coo coo physic’s sayings seemed so dim..
Made me wonder whats real and fake..
What I felt worried for my hearts sake..
Proven to be more than a kiss…
This love, this friendship more than meer bliss...
The future unknown but certain it is..
My love for you can not diminish..
I believe in us and how we feel..
Believe the never ending connection is real..
My heart I break on the day to day..
Is all just a game i would die with out..
And tested through what seemed as a draught..
I hold your heart so close, so dear..
Losing you is my biggest fear..
Something I know I cant live without..
Once you’ve tasted what true love is about..
Without you Amanda I don’t know if I could survive..
Something I learned I have to strive..
Everything your heart desires..
Is what I will build up on my empire..
They say a man is judged not by what he has..
But what he leaves behind and so far something special I know I can grab..
To fulfill everything you thought you never had.. a kiss means so much to me its true..
My heart beats for one and that one is for you..
I love you so much I can never let go..
Ill be your stalker the one that you know..
The one that you love not by what I have..
But what I give for you to grab..
If ever there was anything more..
I would say not for its you I adore..
A sort of sin if you will..
Glutteny for you if you get that speal..
I cherish your mind, your love, and affection..
You are my convection..
Like an ovens thermodynamics..
Heat rolling over and over in a panic..
This glut, this lust something I feel…
This love to me is more than real..
I love you Amanda more than maybe I show..
But I think you know..
That bond and understanding is what drives it so deep..
So full off meaning so full of life..
I think to be forever could be a strife..
A trail of tests we must pass to the end..
The rest of my life with you im willing to spend..
I love you Amanda so much its true..
I don’t know what I could ever do with out you..
As I approach the end of this rhythm..
I fell that together we have all the time..
As long as we are honest and true to our word..
I belive this love will endure..
Statistically speaking couples our age..
The come and go they pass with age..
Even if two our age together from here on out is a high percentage of doubt..
Not us, not this, this is real..
And when I say that its not just a spiele..
I mean every word that I say and if need be we can survive day by day..
Day by day is kinda what I want..
I want to win your heart every day so I can feel..
That every moment with you is more than surreal..
A test of what I only want..
To be with the girl I love and flaunt..
Your beauty is so powerful so amazing that even half asleep this poem to you is a true quote of my emotion ..
This love for you has my heart wide open..
My heart has been stitched shut from a terrible time..
I love you so much I believe we have so much time..
Indefinet bounderies I truly feel sublime..
This poem just came to me as I awoke, had to right it down more serious than a stroke..im corny this is true but I love you mandi more than I thought I could feel..
You’re the world to me I could turn my back on anything that might make us step back..
These things I think about before I proceed to do..
Is a testament of how my free will do for you..
For what that means is that I once could breeze in the wind..
End over end in an endless spin..
Wanting this wanting that no care to the world..
Now its you my lifes little swirl..
Happiness that comes from the heart I could die today knowing you loved me from the start..
I love you Amanda this is more than true..
More than maybe anyone knew..
From the time you said I guess we are going to be roommates..
You not being mine at the time was a stake in my heart a chain that dragged me behind..
My weekness of carrying for people..
Wouldn’t allow me to show you how I felt then..
Even though it drove me crazy like a plane in a tale spin..
Amanda I write this cause I know..
You’re the one for me I think together we glow..
I don’t care if anyone else sees..
I think peoples hearts are just diseased..
Since we came to be..
I am the happiest person that could ever be..
I end this with a simple I love you..
But to us it means more than anyone knew..
I am so happy..
I am pure..
I know our love will endure..
I love you Amanda and I always will. I promise ill be the man of your dreams and give you more than you need. Im a very simple man but now I have a simple plan. Its easy even to understand. The plan is this its very simple I strive for you and wont stop ever. Until my heart dies and I am deceased ill love you in my grave you make me complete..
I love you always and maybe more than you know but im telling you now
I love you
I am in debate with myself to pursue a degree in English focused on literature. I know writing, particular poetry is a passion of mine, but i wonder if it would be personally irresponsible to pursue it. There are other, more financially sound, choices i can make for my career focused future. but none i would enjoy as much as learning of literature. so I am here on this site, testing the waters, and would love your reviews. Maybe with confidence i can make the decision that will be best for my self.
Love is Always Fresh when New
i do enjoy your company
but i dont trust that it will last
here for now
gone tomorow
why bother- waiting- only slows the past
sweet dreams are memories
meant to fade away
sweet things are destiny's
promises of decay
whispers said at one breath
vanish in the vapor of their wake
love is but a word
short lived and short lengthed
tender touch
gives only so much
as temporary relief
when the feeling is released
there remains only the need
soft kisses like silken wings
are fleeting and retreating
fragile to the touch
to only cripple the entreated
eye to eye a burning flicker
lust thrives and consumes
till the heart is given to the pyre
of sacrifice that resumes
live the moment
in no shame
but know the moment
wont remain
present tense is innocence
never expecting future demise
in love,two happens at one's expense
a sum of momentary prize
A couple of points merichm -
Firstly, these two poems show how much effort you have put into them, and they portray the agonies so many of us suffer at different times in our lives in trying to come to terms with hope slipping away and perhaps giving in to temptations.
My only criticism would be that they need a little trimming - condensing the 'mess' of thoughts so that they come into sharper focus by perhaps concentrating on just one or two particular issues. Also you have employed rhyme in such a way that I think it is twisting or distorting the ideas you are trying to express. Lose the rhyme and write what you really want to write would be my advice to begin with.
Secondly - if you want to share your work with other poets, have them offer criticism and read what they themselves have written you are better posting your work on the :
Writing - Personal Poetry forum (it gets read and commented on by dozens of people every day whereas this particular thread hardly gets looked at)
H
The battlefield, filled
with the dead bodies
and live, just.
Faces contorted, agonized
in gruesome pain
but yet, so still.
In the darkness, no one can tell
the tears that fall to my lap
as I, solemnly, watch over the land.
Stripped of peace, a killing place
as soldiers, old and young have died, but
alas, for what? the whims of a madman.
Blood-soaked ground, black in the night
The cries, the gasps of the dying
and the wails of the souls as, they leave.
Part person, part wraith, I roam
seeing, but blind, i watch the pain
emotionless, but crying inside.
The world seems torn apart, by violence
the evil so far away, now near
lies low over the land, stifling.
Terror through homes, i notice
the end is near.
All of everything I have
is more than what I should have.....
for there are far better candidates
deserving what I took for a grant
If God ever held a grudge, it would be worst on me
cause I never said Thank You enough
but rather complained daily
And if God ever punished me, it wouldn't be this simply
far worse things could happen
than just a few fateful twists....
A travellers diary
I am a traveller on earth ,
I am aware of my own worth ,
And i know clearly where to go ,
But my past's ghosts make me walk slow ...
I saw straight road in front of me ,
I wandered often , could it be ?
But now the road turns right and left ,
What should i do ? I cannot rest !
But i'm confused ... What to do next ?
What has this road instored for me ?
Where are the signs ? I cannot see !
Should i go on ? How should i be ?
There are no signs , there is no light ,
I feel my body getting tight ,
I feel my heart racing for gold ,
It tells me stop !! You should be bold !
But what good does boldeness alone ?
When luck is cloud and i am stone ?
I try to reach ! And then again !
My luck is gone ! I've missed my train ...
Sensless words
Help , love , honor ,
respect , compassion , manners !
Broterhood , gentilness , chivalry ,
Goodnes , honesty , loialty ...
All of us know what they mean ,
But to apply them , we are not keen ,
For in the world we live today ,
They are a luxury , i say !
Bring back the times , let us renew ,
For mankind whas more pure and true ,
Bring back those times for mankind's sake ,
For if we don't mankind will break ...
Sensless words ... ore are they ...
Tormented ...
I have seen both good and bad ,
Far too early , a small lad ,
Being thrown from gentile hands .
Forced to do a deadly dance .
I see happynes , it goes ,
Neverending are life's blows ,
And tough i am a warrior at heart ,
I cannot fight , it is too hard !
I am ashamed of what i am ,
I had such dreams of wealth and fame ,
And now i know , nothing is true ,
There's but one thing for me to do ...
I hope altough i pass from here ,
On my behalf you shed no tears ,
For this is not a world for me ,
A point in staying , i don't see !
I hope my lesson will be learned ,
I hope that i shall not be mourned ,
Instead my name should be forgotten ,
I hate myself for i am rotten...
Retrosectiva zilei ...
Sunt fericit ....Sau sunt ? Sau sunt pur si simplu uimit ...De ce ? Nu stiu ....Nas vrea sa stiu .....Coltul meu de lume , acum e auriu ...Dar stiu ... si-mi pare rau ca stiu ,Ca momentele de genu , se duc asa cum viu ....Cu ce raman ... analizez ....Incerc faptele sa-mi motivez ....Gasesc ceva , ma consolez ,Si totusi instant realizez ,Iluzie , trecatoare , fara sens ....too late now tough ..
delete
Hi there, Ive been writting poetry for quite a while now but have never had the chance to have it critiqued:
The Mountain Range
Before this range of catalytic mountains
Where the sky is for once in the right proportion
The sun becomes nothing more than a fountain
Of light that serve up their beauty as its mission
The rock is anchored in the hidden ground
Traversing it with roots of time unfound
Trees dot and streams stroke, the stone is settled
To always remain the same, with or without the rain
Calm and devouring strength sits static, unheckled
Raised to compound the land with an imperious hand
Poised before it, Man can only wonder what he deserves
Confronted with the beauty of triumphant simplicity, he purrs
Intimidated, his nebulous mind is mated by the unmoved stroke
There is a standstill in thoughts to emulate its passivity and to soak
Into the questioning of the gap of size and his permanent demise
The breeze rustles his hair while the rock stays so placidly wise
The dormant power crushes him without even noticing
Blind and deaf, it molds the earth and all its surroundings
While the spec of human stays content that he is standing
But then comes a deep bolt, from the entrails of within
Inside that darkness, something is moved and it is red
It brews buoyantly, shackled until it reaches the head
The teeth become tight, and the eyes suddenly lock and narrow
Upon those blocks of limestone, no longer in wonder but as a foe
These mounts are so old and dominant, says the rage of the unnatural instinct
The land they share has been submitted but not him, unlike it he will not sink
But rise up and fight against this arrogant might, or at least he must try
The winds and the water has slowly made them weaker, stones cannot lie
These geological masters finally have a threat they can’t begin to interpret
The breath of the man is heavy and deep as he readies to become vicious
Rummaged and auto destructive, blessed and cursed with this genius
He will become the best, whatever the number, the pain, the time
And so he onrushes like anybody else, getting ready to start to climb
----------------------
There you go, any thoughts and advice on this would really really appreciated! Thanks!
Look at her thinking of a way to make her smile,Quote:
Originally Posted by ktd222
To bring back some happy memory, take her to another time,
Cant see her this way , she wont speak, she wont grieve,
Wanna break the walls around make her reach out to me..
I’d scarcely understood his thoughts when he took my hand,
Some music played by, wonder when he put it on,
Pulled me close to him, and then again far,
Moving me in rounds, trying to make me laugh,
Played with me like I was a toy,moving me here to there,
No touch could be gentler, it felt soothing to have someone care,
Smile I did but it ended with a sigh,
Stopped moving, waiting for me to decide,
Could rest on his arms, break down every wall,
Could push him away, like I didn’t care,
What if he knew, how weak, how alone I was?
Would he still be there or leave like the others....
Wonder what conflicts went through her mind,
What stopped her from accepting the love I gave,
A thousand questions ran through my mind,
The next moment would decide my life..
Held him closer and placed my head on his chest,
Cried like a child, clutching as if never to move away,
The walls broke down and all he did was held me close,
Like a promise to be there, take me away from the world,
If forever was a moment, this one it’d be,
gave away myself, and yet felt so free.....
The last flower stands quiet and still,
shedding petals of tears without a will.
Unheard sobs and unseen sorrow,
she cries as there is no tomorrow.
That is the best poem I have written lately. Both positive AND negative comments are welcome, as long as they are objective. Thanks!
Don’t you see that the nature despises you when you degrade yourself.
Look at your clay like fingers which when clasp together form a rugged projection, which molds the clay childishly from which it's created.
Look at your piercing eyes under the dark shadowy shelter. which unveils the many veils that are unseen.
Look at your radiant face that is a scripture of scattered pearls, glued with brown of desert and white of snow.
Your body is an amazing wonder of this generation.
Carved out of mud , artistically bent on corners. When you raise your eye lids up.
You don’t look at the sky. But the sky looks at you ; dumbfound at art of your Creator.
Believe in infinite power of imagination, that rests behind your sharp sight.
This world was born barren with ugliness in its lap.
But your power turned it into the beautiful mirage you see today.
Oh human ! A piece of universal sphere !
Seek yourself to find the infinity woven into your body.
deleted
Quote:
Originally Posted by Il Penseroso
I love this poem. It takes me on a adventure into your imagination. Great job!
This mind is frozen on topics at night
who are we? Do we follow the light?
What is my goal? What do I say?
Where is my church? To who am I preaching?
A choir of voices are calling me, leeching
Why is this tourniquet desperately screeching?
To get my attention?
To stop me from bleeding?
I cant help but wonder if silence is greedy.
But who am I telling?
Am I yelling? Or pleading?
The answer is both but who knows what im thinking
Time is alive and its keeping me drinking
Its hands pour the wine, and im taking in, teeming
With words, and souls, and lies for the keeping
Again do I know, today what im speaking?
I like the sound of the poem, but I don't know what it is about. Generally, I view poetry as sound and meaning but meaning is the dominant of the two.
Alternative
I see fear in a world
Not heeding the plight
Of past and the blood
Long faded from sight
Once more have we fallen
For the new face of evil
Now masses are seeking
Through words of upheaval
We seek what we’ve lost
We deserve what we had
No matter the cost
No matter how bad
Deliver deliver
We incessantly plead him
Finding solace
Oblivious surrender of freedom
Dispensing of justice
At hands of new tyrants
Restoring our glory
At the price of our silence
And our brothers and sisters
Cold and despairing
They reach for our shores
They greet the uncaring
Repeal the malevolent
Threat of our time
No brother of yours
No sister of mine
We march to the future
In solidified union
We turn a blind eye
To unholy communion