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this is so beautiful, the image of an angel coming down from heaven on a swing. The arc shape line breaks draws the swinging trajectory in my mind, it's a very strong, compelling visual. The idea of deliverance is simply awe inspiring.Quote:
Originally Posted by NikolaiI
Thanks much, dear Haunted.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Thank you for your suggestion, H. I'm glad you liked it but I'm sorry you thought I should change it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
As for your suggestions go, as far as the two unknown's goes, it is right the way it is.
As to the others, I can at least, hopefully, explain a couple of points. First, the first line isn't saying the angel is unknown - it is saying that the swoosh is unknown.
The second part, your suggestion of changing the second instance of the use of the word infinite would change the meaning of the poem. In my poetry the meaning is always the most important thing, the reality the poem is describing. In this case the use of infinite is very specifically chosen.
It's unknown here,
Unseen,
Unknown,
But I see it,
I hear it,
the swoosh,
An angel swinging swiftly down from the infinite abode,
to take the infinite soul up from ignorance,
to return it to its home.
This poem is about something unseen, and unheard, but describing it as if it is heard. The poem is about describing something the writer heard, the swoosh. The angel comes down, as Haunted said, in an arc. It's just the way they move, or the way this one does.
The infinite abode is the absolute ground of reality. The infinite soul is the universal soul, which is not just one person, or not just humanity, but humanity and the rest of life. The point is that the infinite soul is in ignorance, and believes itself to be fractured into innumerable splintered, finite souls.
So you can see that this is really unknown here. It's like there's two sides of reality, one is the one you will probably think of as our side, in which every resident is under the fixed illusion that they are an individual self only, separate from the whole - a being in space and time, governed by limitations of the laws of space and time. The 'other' side is the clear, infinite light that is true reality. It is not void, nor is it merely formless. It's infinite light in the form of intelligence, peace, harmony, and bliss. Infinite existence.
That is what is unknown here. Here, in our universe, we exclude the infinite as we do not understand it. It is not much a part of our daily lives. It's quite unknown. Yet the finite is part of the infinite. Our universe is within the infinite. Indeed, everything in our universe is infinite, if we can only see everything as it is. We have to start somewhere.
And the ground of reality that is infinite peace, bliss, existence, and intelligence, that is so self-evident, that when one sees it, one sees only it, and sees it in its entirety. It is understood on a level so deep that it becomes the only conceivable reality, as it is the only reality. There seems utterly no need to speak of it. There is nothing more, and never will be, and what way is there to express it? As Buddhist masters have said, Thus. It is Thusness.
So it seems almost like reality has two equal and unmixing sections, our perceived universe, the finite, and the one which many of our world exclude, the infinite. The former is illusion, the latter reality. And this is why the poem begins saying, unseen, unknown.
"As to the others, I can at least, hopefully, explain a couple of points. First, the first line isn't saying the angel is unknown - it is saying that the swoosh is unknown."
In whcih case the first use of "Unknown" in Line 1 is competely superfluous and tautologous.
"The infinite abode is the absolute ground of reality. The infinite soul is the universal soul, which is not just one person, or not just humanity, but humanity and the rest of life. The point is that the infinite soul is in ignorance, and believes itself to be fractured into innumerable splintered, finite souls."
Logically, to say that the abode and the soul are both infinite implies that they are already one. Where there are no borders, how can there be delineation between one and the other.
Whilst I accept you may have a personal philosophy regarding the nature of the universal soul, the reader is not privy to it. I suspect that many readers, would not necessarily agree with it or understand it. They will merely interpret the words by their meanings and interrelationships, as I did. Sadly, this means that the poet, whose job it is to illustrate these concepts and communicate them effectively to the audience, has failed.
Now please don't misunderstand me here, I'm not trying to demolish your work or attack your personal philosophy. I have already stated that I like this poem. It has music, but the the music would still be apparant by the careful choice of alternative words rather that repeating them and expecting the audience to pick up on the vague variations of interpretation the poet imbues them with.
I hope you see what I'm getting at. Anyway, thanks for the read and the conversation. :)
Live and be well, H
I'm sorry you did not like it.
Thanks for your criticism, and please, feel free to post any time you have corrections for my poetry.
Since you explained that "This poem is about something unseen, and unheard, but describing it as if it is heard", why not simplify it by changing the second "unknown" to "unheard" for poetic lucidity and symmetry. Also soul suggests eternal life so you may not have to repeat "infinite" again.
Thank you, Haunted...your suggestion is just fine. However, I like the flow of the poem as it is. I do appreciate it, however. The poem is not about my philosophy. I feel it's been killed by this dissection. You thought it was beautiful and awe inspiring at first, but after Hawk's post you want to change it too.
sorry Nik, it's only my humble suggestion, either way it wouldn't affect my appreciation of the poem!
heard a voice once in a dream,
the walls faded from my mind,
and I saw the light behind this world,
and how it is in every thing.
weeks on later, met with betrayal,
the divine voice drowned by confusion,
i realized my mistake, trusting,
the wrong people.
now feeling a lot of pain, betrayed,
by those i cared about and trusted,
drug along the ground,
and then - lovely - called a masochist.
run away from me, i would rather be alone,
my defenders gone, and you all think i am in darkness and pain.
just so long as i know, i can see how you despise me,
then i am okay, and will never be hurt by you again.
my eyes close, against the blinding light,
i cannot guide you but i suggest you give yourself up to the flame.
my error has been to rely on souls divided separately
but from now on my soul will know only the one.
blessed one, Tathagata, may you never leave my heart,
long i have sought you, and now, union drawing close,
will do nothing to disrupt your approach.
peace in the midst of illusion is a feat
none can enact indefinitely.
for this reason is the infinite enmeshed
in the vines grown on mortal soil.
all things flow like water to their source,
the nature of all things is of the nature of light,
once the source, one will always return,
this is the reason we return to light.