Tell Me A Joke

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

that was HILARIOUS!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no ears, eyes, or legs?


A:You can call it what ever the heck you want, but I guarantee it's not going to come.

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "Wha t does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happie st woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!



Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?


A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Funny Quotes:


"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
-Anon

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks

"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
-Anon

"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon

"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon

"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon

"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon

"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon

"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon

"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon

"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
-Anon

"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon

"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon

"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon

"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon

"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."
-Anon

There was a man named Poul who worked in a sweet restaurant, one night, there was a storm and every one was home near the fireplace, so Poul wanted to close and go home, but there was an other man who came to buy a piece of cake.:(
Poul could not believe that someone will go out of his home , in this storm, to buy:D a piece of cake, so he asked the man: Are you married?
The man answered: Of course I am, do you think that my mother would let me go out at such a storm just for a piece of cake?:D

A little bit of chic murray:

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of
it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever
mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half
wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper
waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for
rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell
is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple
woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a
simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood
me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was
quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class
to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would
have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me
on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers - fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when
Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his
shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur
coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and
nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in
a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self.
Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon
we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's
those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting.
Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they
remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but
you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They
told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples
and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was
digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows.
When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and
gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine
and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready
compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted
a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the
morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I
crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if
there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have
attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at
the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was
all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A
luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of
bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were
so many holes in my socks I could put them on
seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry
wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got
up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he
got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When
his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father
rented the pram out. Then when they came into money
later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and
he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it
Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply.
Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that
case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he
responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for
you".

I rang the bell of this small bed and breakfast
place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window.
"What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here",
I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and
closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything
else he can lay his hands on.

I was in London the other day and this man came up to
me and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I
said that I didn't know it had been away.

There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never
take whisky without water, and second, never take
water without whisky.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack.
For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much
cause to do so in the normal run of things.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and
asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I
said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I
was just trying to break it."

This chap started talking to me about this and that -
about which I know very little.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man
you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that
belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I
wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow
accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there
in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a
stranger there myself.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this
chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is
foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my
way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was
mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased
about it.

This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll
see Dumbarton Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and
the thing never moved an inch.

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him,
"Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?". He replied,
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was
Walter."

I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three
minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was
anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that
he could boil me an egg.

Funny Quotes

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is
that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. . ."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another"
- George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions but I don't always agree with
them."
-George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

Neo_Sephiroth: I would go to the end of the world for you.:cool:

Hot Chick: But would you stay there?:p

Sad thing is...I think this actually happened...I couldn't remember anything after that...:(

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering pproximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north
latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

This webpage is quite funny from Skeptics Annotated Bible....


Bible Absurdities

I would have posted this on a thread but didn't know which one. Sorry mods!


New Testament Absurdities

Allegedly, at least:


A list of actual announcements that London
Underground Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers....


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay
to your service. I know you're
all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be married to my ex-wife,
in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite
direction".


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from elbow and
backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is
that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination
tonight."


"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay,
but there is a security alert at
Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so
let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten
green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".


"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you
can see Baker Street is closed.
It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier,
but no, they don't think about things like that".


"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
encourage these professional
beggars, if you have any spare change, please give
it to a registered charity,
failing that, give it to me."


"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
Line, the driver announced in a
West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and
gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".


"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause
...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home...."


"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
confuse this with 'Please hold the
doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."


"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the
doors means that the doors are
about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their
f***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying
to get on the second carriage -
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"


"Please move all baggage away from the doors
(Pause..) Please move ALL belongings
away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to the man in the brown
suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the pie down, four-eyes, and
move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove
them up your a**e sideways"


"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly
no smoking allowed on any part
of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you
pass it round the rest of the carriage".

A Junior Software engineer , a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager is on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Floridawith beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he was also gone.

The Project Manager calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first

:D :D

Would an explosion in a French flooring factory result in Linoleum blown apart?

Ok, so just pretend i wrote something funny