I am so going to send that joke to my consultants.....
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I am so going to send that joke to my consultants.....
:lol: That's good stuff, Sheherazade! :lol:
A senior IT Consultant sent that one to me, actually :pQuote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
I walked into my psychiatrist's office and sat. The Doc asked how he could help? I whined: " I don't understand it Doc? I have no friends! No one will talk to me?"
The Doc picked up the intercom and said: " Next patient please!"
Profile of a Software Engineer
About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")
Relationship status: what?
Birthday: The day my PL is about to fire me.
Age: 10111 (this is binary, convert it into decimal to get the real age)
Here for: web browsing in company hours.
Children: can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)
Ethnicity: Programmer.
Languages I speak: Java, C/C++, 010101110101
Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.
Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!
Humor: weekly.
Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.
Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.
Drinking: The first is this.
Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.
Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!
Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)
Webpage: http: // jobsahead.com <-- Isnt it Ultimate???
Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.
Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.
Activities: Are you crazy?
Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.
Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.
Tv shows: can't afford one.
Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi (noodles), anything available within 200 meteres of Home.
:D :D
1. What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
************ **
2. What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
************ **
3. What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
************ **
4. What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
************ **
5. What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
************ **
6. What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
************ **
7. What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
************ **
8. What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
************ **
:D A man in a taxi wants to tell the driver something and taps his shoulder. The driver yells, stops the car and runs away. After a few minutes he returns and says: - So sorry sir, but i usually drive the motor hearse. :lol:
/Niki
A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Humour is the sun that drives winter from the human face... :-) :-)
:lol:
might have to borrow this for my next sig quoteQuote:
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now
the story of my life
i like to live in the now
the ones dealing with odd statistics always strike me as funny
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
favourite puns (which I don't usually like)
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
call me a heartless man, but these ones cracked me up
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
very witty stuff, thank you for a couple of laughs :D
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:Quote:
In heaven the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment and the Germans organise everything.
In hell the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organise everything.
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti:Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone..
:D :D
Ambiguity - For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody explain THIS ONE there's a logical explanation somewhere)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?