Awesome! It seems as if written by someone living alone in a post-apocalyptic world. Very evocative. XOX
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Awesome! It seems as if written by someone living alone in a post-apocalyptic world. Very evocative. XOX
It's very good, Haunted. :) The opening is perhaps a little prosy, but it's very atmospheric and the internal narrative logic works well. The whole piece flows beautifully.
Live and be well - H
Bar, that's so sweet and heartening, many thanks!
yes Aliengirl, something like that. Thanks for dropping in. oooo
Hawk, what can I say, I am poetically challenged. Anyhoo if you find it atmospheric and making sense, then I'm a happy camper.
Listener
Wow Haunted, that's a short poem with a punch if ever I read one. I can even imagine the skin bubbling like the asphalt before popping then scarring....a dedicated listener. You captured the gravity of a place nobody ever wants themselves resorting to.
Thanks so much Delta. Yeah, I'm attracted to places where few dare to go.
The revelation in the last three lines makes this even more stunning than the sufficently graphic preceding lines.
Prince, thanks for your kind words, it's really reassuring.
Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Face down on asphalt for days??? That image has popped into my head regularly the last day or two since I read your masterpiece. The darkness of it, the hopelessness of the listener but most of all, that image that I cannot get out of my head. Stunning, as bar and Prince noted and I could not agree more. You should be very proud of this one. It is a Gem shining in the black asphalt x
Jerry it's comments like yours that give me a purpose again...write another poem, or get up from the asphalt...... x
Haunted. Now and again a poem a poem creates an image, no matter how unlikely, that just stays with you and hours later it comes back to your mind. You did this here and you should be proud. They dont come along every day. like 1948 this one lingers.
Jerry, you have a few of those as well, particularly narratives from a child's point of view, the images stay with me. I'm truly moved by your comments. Means so much. x
insulating the attic
under my feet
loose thin floor boards
seemingly stable
only to give and
play me for a fool
you said you’ll help but
the boards end abruptly
there’s no warning
no apologies
no goodbye
I fall between two beams
something is broken
I can feel it
the roll of insulation unravels
fiberglass looking as lovely
and innocuous as cotton candy
hits me like a barrel of lies
I have no protective gear
my eyes tear
asthma flames
I can't
breathe
not
on my own
it’s not an inhaler
that I need
This is a good one Haunted. The only thing I'd highlight as perhaps not quite right is is the description of the fibreglass.
"the roll of tight-lipped
cotton candy pink fiberglass"
Why tight-lipped? It's not as though we expect fibreglass to be loquatious, I'd be inclined to drop it. The rhythm of "cotton candy pink fibreglass" is awkward too. Pink cotton candy scans better. You could say:
"...fibreglass, cotton candy pink" but it wouldn't really fit with the fluidity of the rest of the narration. But do we actually need to know the colour of the fibreglass? is it relevent? I'd also query use of the definite article. We know you are in the loft, but we are not told why. as there has been no previous reference to the roll of fibreglass it might be better to refer to a roll, rather than the roll. lastly in the last line of this stanza there's a typo, an, which should be a.
to maintain the fuidity of the piece I'd word it like this:
"a roll of cotton-candy fibreglass
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"
However, there is another obption in which you don't mention the fibreglass at all:
"a 20lb roll of pink cotton-candy
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"
have a think about it.
Live and be well - H
Your transposition of the relation to the attic in need of protection is genial, IMO. If I may suggest, I'd compress the second part to sth like (only an idea): /like a barrel of lies/ my asthma is taking over,/my eyes burn and I can't breathe/ not on my own/ it's not an inhaler/that I needQuote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
I'm shaken by the power of this poem which "looks" so casual at first, Haunted. A good one, for sure.
Thanks for the experience, Bar!
Hawk, thanks for taking so much time!!! "Tight lipped" was meant to go with telling "lies", it also describes how tightly the material is rolled up. "Cotton candy pink" was meant to go with "white lies" but then I forgot about it and dropped the word "white" in the posted version. That's what happens when trying to do too much. I rewrote the stanza and altered a few other lines.
Bar, your depth in writing can be seen in your reads as well and I'm glad you picked up on the deceptive casualness. I changed the part you mentioned, thanks for pointing it out.