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The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to look at yourself from time to time and this might get you started!
During a visit at a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"We just fill up the bathtub, then offer them a spoon, a teacup, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub." The Director said.
"Oh, I get it! A normal person would choose the bucket, as it would hold more water!" the visitor said. "Brilliant!"
"No." The Director said. "Maybe we should see about getting you a bed. A normal person would just pull the plug. You want the bed near the window?" http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/...s/biglaugh.gif
Here's a cute one that I think Miss C will like. Somehow I can picture her as the wife. Does that mean that Robin is the husband? :p
Quote:
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
> "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
> "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
> "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
> She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Is there a room for me too? :p
I got these from a newspaper. No offense to the men...:p Just have a laugh!
By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.
Some people think the proper age for a man to start thinking of marriage is when he’s old enough to realize he shouldn’t.
Nothing ages man faster than trying to prove he’s still as young as ever.
Few women admit their age. Few act theirs.
Women’s faults are many. Men have only two: everything they say and everything they do.
There are three things most men love but never understand: females, girls, and women.
To see through a man, it takes an X-ray or an ex-wife.
A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
The average man is 42 around the chest, 44 around the waist, 96 around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.
There are three kinds of men in the world: fits, misfits and counter-fits.
There are lots of men in this world who started at the bottom – and stayed there.
Maybe one of the things wrong with the world is that there aren’t enough leaders of men and too many chasers of women.
Man can control everything except a woman and a typhoon.
A man’s heart is like a sponge – soaked with emotions and sentiments. He can squeeze out a little bit for every pretty woman he meets.
A man is a peculiar animal. For instance his head will turn when a woman’s hip moves.
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move!!!
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature unto something you’d like to have dinner with…
An advice to men over 50: Keep an open mind and a closed refrigerator.
What is the difference between men and the government bonds? Bonds mature.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows… It’s never been done.
How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
What is man’s idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hotdog and six-pack of beer.
How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.
A man doesn’t know the value of a woman’s love until he starts paying alimony.
A man is never as weak as when some woman is telling him how strong he is. :blush: :blush: :blush: Yihee...
What did a Philippine National Police Academy cadet worry about women when he was at the Academy that confused him and his fellow cadets even more?
If you are well dressed, she thinks you’re a playboy.
If you’re not, she thinks you’re rugged.
If you kiss her, you’re not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you’re not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you’re lying.
If you don’t, you’re as good as nothing.
If you agree with all her likes, she’s abusing.
If you don’t, she doubts your love.
If you make romance, you’re an expected man.
If you don’t, you’re a man.
If you visit her quite often, she claims it’s boring.
If you’re a minute late, she complains.
If you’re on time, she’ll make you wait.
If you propose within brief acquaintances, you’re a fresh guy.
If you propose later, she wonders why.
If you visit another, she claims you’re doing a hell.
If she is visited by another, she’ll say it’s natural for a girl.
If you fail to assist her in crossing the street, you lack manners.
If you do, she thinks it’s one of the guy’s tactics.
If you kiss her always, she thinks you’re abusing.
If you kiss her once in a while, she says you’re cold and nothing.
If you attempt romance, she says you don’t respect her.
If you don’t, she claims you’re dry.
If you contradict her, she does not like it.
If you don’t, she thinks you’re gullible.
…Oh woman, thou art so simple yet so complex to understand.
…Oh so strong, yet proven conquered…
…So confusing, but still desirable… Oh woman… woman…
Some more bad jokes to add to the collection:
Q) Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A) It was stuck to the chickens foot.
Q) What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?
A) A wooly jumper
Q) What do you call a woman who burns her bills?
A) Bernadette
Q) How do you know an elephant is in your fridge?
A) Footprints in the butter
Thank you, thank you....I'll be here all week
There are more men like these.....:sick:Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
This one's from when I was 5 or 6 . . . lame . . . :)
What tuba can't you play?
A tuba toothpaste!
If they were really nice, they'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt.
Recently I decided to take up again that brutal game of golf. I went to the Sycuan Golf Course practice area and started chipping and putting. As I came off the green there was a little girl standing there … perhaps 6 years old at the most. Here is the ensuing dialogue between us:
Girl: Excuse me. Have you seen my Grandpa?
Concerned this girl was left alone I replied:
Me: No honey. What does he look like?"
Girl (without missing a beat): Oh, he has gray hair like you but he’s a lot smarter!"
Authors note: LUCKY GUESS ON HER PART! I thought, to myself, he couldn’t be that smart to leave his Granddaughter alone…and I don’t think he was pleased with me telling him so? But who cares what he thought?!
I wonder what Virgil will say after reading it :lol:
Why would I care about what Virgil would say? As you can see from the below he is long gone...Jack
Publius Vergilius Maro (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), later called Virgilius, and known in English as Virgil or Vergil
Uh oh, now Virg will have a crisis of existence :lol: