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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
German capitalism (Sleepy's verision): you have two cows. You hide them somewhere and claim they've been struck by lightning and got killed. You fill in lots of forms and get compensation from the EU. You use half of this money to buy two new cows and the other half to go on holidays. You feed the cows real grass in between the bonemeal. You give the environment inspector a bottle of schnaps to be on the safe side. You fill in more forms, claiming you do biological farming. You get more subsidies. You sell the milk of your four cows, which gets you even more EU subsidies. Lightning strikes your new cows....Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
___________________________
In the days when you couldn't count on a public
toilet facility, an English woman was planning
a trip to India. She was registered to stay in
a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house
contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She
wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the
facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the
local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together
they pondered possible meanings of the letters and
concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was
a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom
never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC
is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in
the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people
and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are
many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation
especially if you are in the habit of going
regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter
was married in the WC as it was there that she met
her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful
to see the expressions on their faces. We can take
photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been
ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost! a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring
their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to
wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate
sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time
a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide
plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and
seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
The Woman fainted reading the reply........ and she
never visited India!!!!
Some guys at my workplace do this..:sick:Quote:
Originally Posted by toni
:lol: Ah, cloacal humor. That's good stuff, Sleepy!Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
I also like your brand of German Capitalism. :lol:
hehe, I was e-mailed the WC joke by my Indian pen pal.
hm, on second thoughts, my brand of German Capitalism isn't a joke, it's very realistic :lol:
Sleepy, I too read that Indian joke.....:lol:
:thumbs_up Love it!!Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
How many members of group n does it take to change a lightbulb?
x, one to change the lightbulb and x-1 to act in a manner associated with a negative sterotype of that group.
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Three.
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Green, one to wash the banana and rhinocerus to illuminate l'ennui.
---
Recently translated from the wall of an Egyptian tomb: the world's first racist joke!
He: Did you hear about the Summerian?
She: No, I did not hear about the Summerian.
He: He was extremely stupid.
She: I had not heard that.
Remeber that this was before the invention of the lightbulb.
---
Did you hear about the (ethnic group) airliner that crashed into a cemetary?
The recovered 30,000 bodies.
Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.
Some are in loud discussions during office time.
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
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"About a litre..."
The horror. :eek2: I was imagining me being kidnapped and the office taking up collections. They probably would have chipped in a liter each. :lol: Very good Maddie!Quote:
Originally Posted by Madhuri
Dont worry, as I am a junior employee still, I would not hesitate to contribute 2 ltrs....;) :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Now coincindentally it was my birthday last week, but I assure you this is completely made up. Actually it reads like a Sleepywitch short story. ;)
Quote:
Why I fired my Secretary:
>
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
>As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
>It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
>I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
>We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
>I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
>She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
>After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
>"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>
>
>
>
>And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>On the couch...
>
>
>
>Naked.
:eek2: http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/konfus/g025.gif :lol:
Poor guy!!
...yikes. THAT is beyond mortifying, though it's hard to say he doesn't deserve it.
Wow, Virg. Note to self: Remember NOT to be drinking anything when you click on the Jokes Thread. ESPECIALLY if Virgil's been around.... My computer thanks you for its cola bath, by the way...