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gingerbread house
as he bakes
he holds my hand
while we wait
we nibble each other’s nosetips
when the winter moon rises
he tears the bread
into golden sheen tiles
and builds around and over
until I’m enclosed
in the warmest homestead
then we fall
on the flavored floor
sweet cravings
almost unbearable
So! Haunted has a pet baker! - lol
I feel there is a slight problem in S2 L2. Ending the line with on stops the thought dead, creates an unnatural pause before the succeeding line. I'm not sure you actually need the on at all, and I wonder if the line wouldn't be better as, "We nibble each other's nosetips"
The middle line of S3 baffles me a bit. It is unclear whether you are personifying the moon, or the he refers to the aforementioned baker. What is he actually building? I don't particularly like engirdled, not that it's "wrong" as such, but it makes me think of ladies undergarments, though maybe that's just a personal fixation - LOL.
I like the idea behind this poem though, it is atmospheric and sensual.
Live and be well - H
I'd prefer 'engulfed' to 'engirdled' since one assumes the lover is slowly absorbing the narrator with his warm, biscuit-scented body rather than encasing her in a set of ladies' undergarments.
And yes, it's a difficult metaphor to keep hold of right the way through but one is left in no doubt by the end that this pair are indeed "cookin'".
H
this is so immediately sensuous, haunted! I agree with hill about "engulfed", the rest is sheer pleasure to read! bravo! from bar
Thanks all for your input!
I wish Hawk, LOL. I don't consume much baked goods because of carbs, but Scottish butter shortbread and Italian bread are staple in my pantry. I agree about losing "on" after nibble. Also rewriting the "engirdle" lines to make it clearer. Glad you still find it enjoyable.
Hill, "engirdled" is tossed. I changed it quite a bit. "Engulfed" makes me think of "engulfed in fire" so I picked a more neutral word, "enclosed". Yes, it is a very difficult metaphor, why did I even attempt it! I had this scenario of someone making me a gingerbread house and I'll live inside it. Silly isn't it. But it's Christmas, anything goes. Hope you liked the cookin'.
Thanks Bar, your comment is equally pleasurable to read!
Yes that's a big improvement but I'm not sure if you need "in the warmest homestead". I feel it slightly over-extends the strophe and spoils the transition to the last. You're almost there I think ;)
Live and be well - H
Good suggestion Hawk, I wondered that myself but left it in, otherwise it might mistakenly cause people to think the narrator is being covered in bread, rather than put inside a house. That would have to be a different poem, LOL.
Sweet, sensual and playful, haunted, very nice.
I'm not keen on the alliteration-overload of 'we fall | on the flavorful floor', and I wonder if the analogy breaks down here, as if a gingerbread wo/man were to fall to the floor, it would smash into pieces. That aside, it's wonderfully imaginative.
Thank you so much for your kind words, b/v. I know what you mean about the alliteration-overload, it's a bit much but I tried a few words and "flavor" is the word of choice that goes best contextually. I eliminated the internal alliteration by changing "flavorful" to "flavored", so now it's 25% less flavorful. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it overall.
Romance must be in the air having come from Delta's Ferris Wheel to Haunted's Gingerbread house. Sweet indeed Haunted, not a haunted house :) but a smart sexy romantic eatery. Good fun.
Aw thanks Jerry. Maybe someday they'll make a Gingerbread Ferris Wheel :)
Christmas 2011
the ice sculpture of a reindeer
came from a distant factory
that molded it in clear resin
the berry wreath sends forth
a whiff of new red plastic
behind the firescreen
electric logs flicker
flames set on medium
for warmth there’s the mink throw
made of 100% acrylic
dyed to arctic white
I wait up watching a live show
a petite ballerina glides
over the shiny wood floor
inside the music box
he promised
to be back for Christmas...
another silent night
all is calm
all is fake
Hi Haunted. A catalogue of illusion surrounding the festive season. The lonliness of disappointment and broken promises handled subtly. Not sure about the use of "trusty" though, it undermines the point you are trying to make and I'd be inclined to shift:
"he'd promised to be back for Christmas
in his replica bomber jacket"
to the slot before, "another silent night" so that the unnamed other's failure to appear fits more coherently in the narrative - also change he to he'd - tenses again - and lose the second he'd in favour of "to"
Live and be well - H
You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message.
I agree with Hawk re 'trusty' because that's the one thing 'he' isn't.
My only quibble would be the opening verse - I'm not particularly keen on 'the deer ice sculpture'. It sounds rather awkward.
Something along the lines of
A reindeer
sculpted from ice
resin molded in some distant factory ??
At least your fellow LitNetters are the real thing.
Best wishes
H
Thanks both for your valuable perspectives, I mulled over it and revised accordingly.
Hawk, I see your point and switched the last two stanzas before the "silent night" ending, it's a good idea because now the payoff is at the end where it should be, and it didn't break up the narrative. Good call!
Hill, "trusty" was meant to be ironic, like everything is in appearance only. But since both you and Hawk have problem with it, it's a red flag so I tossed it and made it more transparent. Also rewrote the deer line.
"You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message." — Err, too simplistic?
I agree, my Litnet friends are diamonds and not a cubic zirconia as far as I can see.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all.