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Wow this is a tough one, both these poems where great, and had a wonderful haunting atmosphere, and the quoted line fit seamlessly into each of them. I cannot truly say that I think one is better than the other, I might just have to flip a coin to decide this.
As I can only pick one winner I am going to give this one to Pendragon.
Thank you, Dark Muse.
Here's a line from a very short famous poem:
"As I was coming down the stair I met a man who wasn't there."
Good luck.
I will judge this contest July 4th.
The Man Who Wasn't There
I knew at once I was not alone,
I felt it like an invisible touch,
was that not a creaking upon the step
I hear?
Yet do my mine eyes deceive me?
For no matter which way I look
I can see no one there,
a chill slid across my flesh.
A shadow I am certain I could detect,
a sound like laughter, and the tingle
of a breath stirring against my neck,
I am frozen in place wishing
this where some nightmare
from which I could awaken.
Let others say what they might,
for do this day I will still declare,
as I was coming down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
As I was coming down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
Like other friends I like a lot
Sometimes they're real. Sometimes they're not.
As I was coming down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
I really saw him, this I swear
I saw him and I felt his glare
But, unafraid, did not despair.
Who was this man who wasn't there?
What was his name? Jack, Tom or Pierre?
Maybe the ghost of Fred Astaire?
The ghost was sure a millionaire
and I? Was I perhaps his heir?
L1 & L2 from William Hughes Mearns' song from the play "The Psyco-ed"; and poem "Antigonish"
Within the Silvered Pane
"As I was coming down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there."
A silvered pane hung near the staircase
where he - I met ourselves face to face
Realization soon became chagrin
when I grasped my bogey was my twin
But since I'd determined he wasn't there
I sought to awaken from my nightmare
T'was destined not to be much to my disdain
I remain nonexistent within the silvered pane
6/19/2014 r.6/20/2014
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
As I was coming down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
and as it were
before that then
many went to come again.
OK Showdown!
Dark Muse: Spooky and excellent. Love the lines
"I am frozen in place wishing
this where some nightmare
from which I could awaken."
Yesno. Clever! Like this line best:
"Like other friends I like a lot
Sometimes they're real. Sometimes they're not. "
Windblown I loved your rhyme scheme. Not many poets would think of this form.
Tailor STATELY You actually made the man who wasn't there real!
"Realization soon became chagrin
when I grasped my bogey was my twin"
Cacin Minimal, and I'm sorry, but I really don't get it.
*****WINNER******
Tailor STATELY! Congrats!
Pendragon
Thank you Pendragon !
My obsession with the silvered pane/has finally paid a dividend.
Next famous quoted line was quoted by Patti Smith:
I have been preoccupied by death these past few years with the passings of family and friends; and am now care-giving for another with imminent passing. My feeble attempts on poetry about death are as ghosts in the whirlwind. Emily Dickinson thought deeply about death and wrote about it with power and grace and I thought to use her quote "Because I could not stop for death" but it has already been chosen... so off to Brainy Quotes I went and hope the one I've chosen hasn't been spent.Quote:
I'm concerned more about the death of a bee
While not from an actual poem of Patti's I hope it's acceptable to the group.
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
The Sting
It came upon me as a shock,
completely unseen,
until the searing pain
burst upon me,
seeming to throb endlessly,
but my gaze fixed
upon so fragile a creature,
in its staggering
downward flight,
such delicacy
to achieve such impact,
how it was made
for self-sacrifice,
it scarcely seemed fair
that it floundered so,
how its very preservation
must become it's end,
so it was how I became
concerned more about the
death of a bee
than the pain it caused
to me.
Musings
This July Fourth marked the twentieth year
That I have lived among the shadows
Full blown explosion of my undiagnosed and untreated bi-polar disorder
Met with Independence Day fireworks, starting down a road
With no going back, no chance of being cure, and often no hope
The Spectre of Suicide often haunts my every waking moment
But I drive the boney bugger away
My life will be defined by a regimen of drugs and counseling
But when it comes down to it all
I accept the things I cannot change for the pathway of the past is closed forever
All in all, I'm more concerned by the death of a bee
Life needs the honey
Pendragon
(C) July 5. 2014
I'm concerned more about the death of a bee.
I'm concerned more about the fate of that tree
Than I am about what is much closer to me.
Let me die. Let it come. I just don't want to see
Some other one suffer on so needlessly
Like the death and the dying of that honest bee.
A good start !
Deadline: Midnight (California PDT) 7/25/2014
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
Time almost up: Deadline: Midnight (California PDT) 7/25/2014
Dark Muse “The Sting”
Such praise for a dear creature. The language you employed as delicate as the bee itself.
Memorable: “my gaze fixed/upon so fragile a creature,/in its staggering/downward flight,/such delicacy/to achieve such impact”
Pendragon “Musings”
Your words about the protagonist bring pause to ponder and hope for a surcease of suffering for the brave soul. The last line comes off as flippant for some reason; an abrupt end to an otherwise thoughtful introspection.
Memorable: “I have lived among the shadows”... “But when it comes down to it all/I accept the things I cannot change”
YesNo “One View of Others”
More pathos from the protagonist as was offered in Pendragon's poem. L2 bothers me a bit (though I'm generally predisposed towards trees); perhaps because it seems redundant to me within the scope of your poem. The end rhyme scheme: e! might benefit from the form being a tighter 1-stanza of 5-lines.
Memorable: “Let me die. Let it come. I just don't want to see/Some other one suffer on so needlessly”
Another tough one to judge... the winner is Dark Muse. Congratulations to all !
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY