Hawk's Earthquake poem reminded me of something I wrote eons ago. It goes like this...
morning news
downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long
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Hawk's Earthquake poem reminded me of something I wrote eons ago. It goes like this...
morning news
downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long
Hmhm - was that his less than subtle way of complaining about what his upstairs neighbours got up to?
H
Rather sounds like it, hill. It's a cute one-liner Haunted, but I'd change the apostrophe s for an apostrophe d.
Live and be well - H
Ha, I'd say that's considered subtle in NY. Yeah, it was all one-liners back in the day, almost riddle-like. Now I tend to ramble and end up paring down a lot. Thanks Hill and Hawk for the read.
Yeah, short and sweet, unlike the subject of the poem, which sounds more long and sweaty...
Thanks b/v, your comment is just as short and sweet and the last part right on the money.
spoons
the world
reappears
sideways
reflexively
you turn over
until we fit
like a set
It's quite a nice image Haunted. Perhaps "Reflexively" rather than "like reflex" which isn't quite right.
Live and be well - H
morning news
downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long
haunted, this is both clever and subtle. And the subject entity clearly in need of rescue operation!
I like this and the vision of nestling into a partnerQuote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Excellent. You have the wit of Gustave Courbet.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Hawk, thanks for weighing in. I changed to "reflexively" but not sure if I actually prefer "like reflex." Don't know about the grammar but it's a bit punchier. I'll sleep on it....
Delta, really glad it visually works for you.
Bar and Deryk, in lieu of an equally clever and witty response to your kind comments, let me just say thanks so very much!!!!
terminal
the grand wall clock
has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room
I hope the last call will be made
by a sympathetic conductor
who will wait till I’m ready
really really ready
I wonder if I have enough makeup
need to look stunning for the trip
make that nice lasting impression
even if they have to
repaint the locomotive
will you come and
identify me
Hi there, Haunted. I see you have decided to honour your avatar with a suitable post! One hopes that getting it in print, albeit virtual print, will be sufficient to exorcise such dark thoughts! However it's a nice little poem although the repetition of time in S1 in successive lines is a slight weakness. I'd recommend:
"the grand wall clock
actually has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room"
I must remember to bring my DNA testing kit :sad:
Great constructive comment Hawk. I noted myself "time" was repeated in consecutive lines which is a big no no in my poetry writing policy but didn't think hard enough for an alternative. Thanks for the fix.
You and b/v put me to shame with your respective rail poems. Both have helped inspire me. Kudos!