the breathsteam
looked like smoke, and
the harbor like a yawning
God.
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the breathsteam
looked like smoke, and
the harbor like a yawning
God.
Two lips
Thin and pale
Like crescent moons
Breathed forth words
In a whisper of smoke
And embers burnt her
Throat
The Man-God and Cigarette Smoke
a god bellowed,
lit cigarettes
inhaled smoke and
exhaled insects
which flew, floated in density,
around an end-entailing god
Bumpity-bump?
Hi all, very good stuff so far... 2012 starts perfectly well, and perfectly well inspired, I can see. Just one day left to post your poem; I remind you the subject is "smoke".
See y'all tomorrow.
Smoke’s pinions flutter, fold over
and wilt, as dawn melts the moon.
This is how you disappear, love,
dream ashes silvering your pyre.
YesNo: A clear and witty aphorism; I guess you can’t get any more minimalist while still expressing something so eternal and eternally true.
Dark Muse: Personally, I had a slight problem with two line breaks (stanza 1 where it would make for a smoother reading if you wrote “Smoke lingers / off the edge of your lips, / sensuously curling in the air.”; and the last two lines “knowing it will be/ the death of me.”). Apart from those minor technicalities, I really, really enjoyed your poem and the metaphor of toxic nicotine/toxic love worked perfectly well for me.
Cacian: You’ll forgive me, but I’m not really sure to have understood everything in your poem. Which is not important as, with modern paintings, only the result (i.e. how we perceive someone else’s offering) counts. And several images (e.g. the light smoke lifting the tense) really did it for me.
Pendragon: Your poem more or less joins YesNo’s aphorism in contents, yet is clearly different in form. I especially liked the use of the ghosts, which normally are used to talk of the past and which you made foretell the future.
Jajdude: One of my favourites, and I can’t say why. Perhaps because I’m a smoker? Or because I somehow wished for something like this when proposing “smoke” as our subject? Dunno, really. But what if you just changed the last line into something more natural (i.e. “The meaning was vague.”)? Just a suggestion...
Breathtest: Short and delicious. Need I say more? I loved it.
Moonbird: There’s something almost mystical in your lines (must be what the image of crescent moons does to me). I really liked the whisper of smoke and the embers in her throat.
Meta Penguin: Rather enigmatic than mystical here. Why did I think of Egypt and the Plagues (was it 7? 8? Gee, I’m getting forgetful…) The beginning worked fine for me, but I got stuck when the insects started floating in density (couldn’t really figure out that one), and the repeating of “god” was a little bit disappointing.
Pendragon (second offering): I am not sure if you a) posted in the wrong thread, b) wanted me to consider “Bumpity-bump?” as a second offering for this round (you sure you didn’t read too much Wolf Larsen lately? Lol) or c) proposed the lines written in bold. As I tend to prefer your first poem in this round, I simply say “nicely done”.
Bar22do: smoke-like, reads like a dream you only vaguely remember once you wake up. Loved the “silvered pyre”...
All I can offer is personal impressions. I apologize: I love to read poems, but I’m awfully clumsy when it comes to analyzing them, or analyzing why I like some of them and have quibbles with others. Plus, it’s a hard job to decide which one to choose. But a decision has to be made, and it's a really close one (only one winner, and several on the second place).
So it’s... Jajdude this time.
Congrats!
Dieter thank you for such a constructive and rich feedback!
and congratulations to Jajdude
:hurray:
well done!!
Bravo Jajude! congratulations! from Bar!!!
congratulations to Jajdude! :cheers2:
Congrats to Jajdude
Congratulations, jajdude!
Oh, I didn't know till I just saw a PM. Thanks. Don't remember writing in this one even. So be it.
Another topic, eh? Let's go with "Drink"
Bartalk
Barkeep, pour us another round
I got to somehow keep these demons down
I join the other lost souls at this bar
I wish things weren't exactly how they are...
More tequila, and don't let the glass go dry
Drown my sorrows in a beer and wonder why
They say that misery loves some company
And all the other folks in here are just like me
It's midnight, and the choir starts to sing
Because by now we're beyond feeling pain
We pay our tab and stagger out the door
One lonely night behind me; ahead, a million more...
Pendragon
(C) 2012
Drink, Drank, Drunk
I took one drink. No doubt, then two.
Too many followed. I was through.