Actually I rather liked it as it was, it had more immediacy and was more tongue in wound, if you get my drift :D
Best, H
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Actually I rather liked it as it was, it had more immediacy and was more tongue in wound, if you get my drift :D
Best, H
ok Hawk, I revised back to what it was before but added an extra line. I thought maybe it ended too quickly for most commenters, so perhaps this will help readers ease into the "sucker-punch" as Prince so aptly put it.
Works for me :D
H
thanks so much Hawk!
dad’s anniversary
he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over
few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
how it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box
poignant brevity, haunted. a great tribute to dad... wonderful writing.
but tell N not to envy. for we do not know... ? ?
Well it says a lot, Haunted but at the same time, not quite enough. I'm undecided whether this is a good thing or not. I kind of want to know the reason for the envy. There's just so much left unsaid.
Live and be well - H
Yes, I agree with the others; the last line definitely makes an impact, but as it comes from nowhere, it seems to be unsatisfying.
And I think the 'shut-shuttered-utter' internal word-play is a bit too playful for the tone of this poem. I'd consider removing 'utter' as I think the first two work well. Still, interesting piece.
Thank you so much for your comments, Bar, Hawk and BV.
Bar, it's true, we do not know, but the grass is always greener on the other side...
Hawk, BV, I thought about what you both pointed to and it's been several days and I couldn't come up with anything more satisfactory and less clinical. I didn't want to ramble on, I just want to say it's the notion of eternal peace that's very appealing. I left it at that, rather than going into reasons, it would be distracting and it's meant to be just a thought.
BV you are absolutely right about utter, it's obviously gratuitous. It's gone!
very short and to the point Haunted. Reminded me of my own dad. I'm curious about the envy though...
Delta, I'm sorry about your dad. You are the third person who tripped over the envy thing. After days of scratching my head, I came up with an alternative. Here it is.
dad’s anniversary
he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over
few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
and it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box
This is how I understood it previously, haunted, therefore I mentioned that since we can't know of that state, why envy... but I guess there are quite a few reasons N does.
I like the new version even better.
Best from Bar
There is still tragedy in this piece, Haunted, and I'm not sure that one should envy the dead, but it definitely reads with more balance. I would suggest though that you make the last three lines a seperate stanza, which would give you three, three-line verses and slow the reader before the final thought.
Live and be well - H
Bar, I figured that was your question. It just got to be better, why else would they say RIP?
Hawk, good idea, Done!
how many people does it take
to paint a table?
one to apply
lush paint strokes
another to perform
itty-bitty touch ups
touch up where he said
everywhere I said
nice he said
and so we work
eyes closed