Need more entries if it is possible :D
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Need more entries if it is possible :D
Achieving a Life-Long Goal
"Hell is hot with pain and groundless fear.
There is no hope for those who enter here."
So, do not enter! Oh. It's now too late.
You saw the door. You didn't hesitate.
You say you had to knock to get inside?
It's not as if that door was open wide.
It took much doing, struggling, needless fear
To lose all hope so you could enter here.
Ok it's time for deliberation. Both poems are cool.
Pendragon I enjoyed the humour and got a right idea about the despair of cell habitations not very nice indeed!
but I have to chose one and the winning goes to
YesNo's piece for its briefness and snapiness conveying the full wrath haha of the quote! :p
Verywell done and congratulations!!
Thanks, cacian!
The next quote for the comedy/satire/pun contest is from Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!
A person's a person, no matter how small.
Deadline: Sunday, September 23rd, almost 3 weeks from now.
Non-Violent Protest
The Mormons have set up a new chain of stores,
In which only Latter-Day Saints are allowed.
So the Catholics have opened, in retaliation,
Outlets for no one but their congregation,
And Baptists the length and the breadth of the nation
Give thanks for a holy online innovation –
Nonconformist dot com, in the Cloud.
Bill Bailey, a Presbyterian cleric,
Strides into the Center, appalled.
Security clock this deliberate intrusion.
Bill's chased past the fountains, and in the confusion,
He yells as he takes several scrapes and contusions,
“This retail schism's an evil delusion!
A parson’s a person, no matter whose mall!”
A person's person
no matter how small
and a mountain's
a mountain no matter
how deep
size up no more
it is not about height
weight up no less
it is not about might
a person's person
and it's all about tact.
The spittle flew as he raved at me
Called me every name I'd ever heard
Made some up on the spot
Combined ancient profanity with modern additions
Then as he stormed off he yelled
"Nothing personal but I hate your guts!"
A cursing is personal regardless the gall...
Pendragon
(c) 9/6/2012
It's amazing the disparity between what's in your head when you start writing and what ends up on the page when you're done. I'm not sure this even qualifies for the contest any more due to a lack of actual comedy, but the pun's in there, and I went to the trouble of writing it all out, so here it is.
Radiation is strange; we know much but not all.
It has helped in our rise and may hasten our fall.
Its effects on our bodies is known, more or less,
But then something happens we couldn't have guessed.
My paper sent me to an underground lab.
Seems they'd found something new and now wanted to gab.
When I got here, however, the mood was quite low.
They went through the motions, then brought me below.
By way of explaining, I was led to a bed.
And the man laying there--I could see through his head.
The rest of him, too, though I blinked quite a lot.
I wanted to touch, but they said, "Better not."
It seems he was a tech who had caught a huge burst
Of a new energy they had thought safe at first.
As they carried him in, they had felt him grow light.
Once they had him in bed, they saw clearly his plight.
"His body is gone; there's no mass and no weight.
Just his image is left, though in a conscious state.
Had he substance...but no, the writing's on the wall.
This person's dispersing--no matter at all."
Whoa, conscious state? "Yes, when we wrote 'What's your name?'
He mouthed it to us, plus some four-letter blame.
We wish we could help, but what is there to do?
There's no name for his state, even. We have no clue!
"When he fades from our sight, will he really be dead,
or will he still exist, maybe in infrared?"
Wait, how long ago was this? Can I get out of here?
"That burst went through the shields. Write 'til you disappear."
Then one man lost speech, and then all the rest.
They had filled in some blanks, and some more I've just guessed.
The burst fried computers and phones, so no call.
They've backup lights and power, but that's about all.
Now I'm writing left-handed; the pen fell through my right.
I can hardly feel it, though I'm holding it tight.
They now have their answers. Soon I'll have them too.
Wish just sitting and waiting weren't all I can do.
Bump. Any more?
Time to pick a winner!
MarkBastable: This was a very funny bit of sarcasm and a great last line.
cacian: The comparison between a person and a mountain emphasizes how size is often irrelevant. I liked the word "tact" at the end.
Pendragon: Your last line is as true as it gets.
Calidore: I think you have pushed the smallness of the person about as far as it is able to go. I liked the meter you picked.
They were all wonderful. I might add a poem's a poem no matter who wins, so without further delay, the winner is
Calidore
Congratulations!
Hey thank you very much YesNo an congratulations Calidore!!
Thanks, YesNo. Give yourself credit for the meter, though, since it was your line.
Back into the Comfy Chair of Judgment I go. Here's a classic line that has inspired a prominent anti-literary contest named for its author, but which has also been used in some pretty good stories. Which kind of poem you use it for is up to you.
"It was a dark and stormy night."
Let's make the deadline October 13. That'll enable the next contest to run until Halloween, should the next judge choose that theme.
Off you go, and have fun.
Trying to write a novel
My ideas just won't scan
I need some inspiration
To pick up my thoughts again
Saw a little red doghouse
Pictured Snoopy as he typed
Say, that just might kickstart me
"It was a dark and stormy night!"
Pendragon
(C) 9/26/2012
It was a dark and stormy night
the rain was kicking it out a roam
the wind blew rage
it was a gale
I tried to think
quicker and write
it was getting later then late
I had to pause
the sound was force
I would come back
collect my thoughts
when the weather and I
are gold
Once
Once upon a time I heard
With joy the chirping of a bird,
But now such pleasures mock my plight.
It was a dark, bewitching, stormy night.
My love was singing in the rain
Like one who had just gone insane
Enchanted by that God of flight
Who thought, like Gods, he had the right
To take whatever he might find
To calm the wierdness of his mind.
That's when my Julie flew away
To play the angel night and day.
No doubt she really loved that guy
Who pounced upon her from the sky.
It's not the way that I would woo.
That's likely why she left me, too.
If I had wings, I'd win her back,
If I could beat off his attack.
It happened many years ago
One stormy night, one tale of woe.
My mind since then has been a mess
With inner voices causing stress
And telling me, "Remember this:
You saw her give that God a kiss!"
Tonight another storm comes in
To let more pounding rains begin.
I'm old, defeated. I don't care.
Wind, blow my ashes anywhere.
Come, rinse my mind, let me forget
As pecking raindrops get me wet!...
I'm sorry....I got it all wrong.
My tears should long have turned to song.
So patiently you waited smiling.
Forgiveness can be so beguiling.
Now I know how joy brings laughter,
And we lived happ'ly ever after.
The Midnight Soliloquy
I heard him pacing again
back and forth across the floor
ever restless he was
this phantom of mine,
slowly I opened my eyes
to wonder just what has perturbed him now,
"It was a dark and stormy night"
he began his usual soliloquy
skeptically I turned mine eyes
to the window and looked upon
the moonlit night, shining
full and bright, in the cloudless sky,
I had not it within me to interrupt,
of course my haunt would be of
a melodramatic temperament,
"and the rain began to fall in torrents"
I rolled my eyes as he began again
oblivious to my presence
while he bemoaned agonies as figmentary
as himself, thus I murmured "Goodnight"
before closing my eyes again
and pulling the blankets over my head.
Hallowed halls, once ringing joy, now eerily deserted;
Furtive whispers in the walls, wan downcast eyes averted;
Scribbled fear, a frantic plea, last hope in inky meter;
Bloodshot eyes, a vacant stare, this ghostly, hollow reader;
Dawn’s faint tendrils, ever near, cast shadowy pale fright!
Quoth professor never more, twas a stark and dormy night!
Infinite Monkeys
Infinite monkeys,
Typing.
Words come up,
And down.
(Simian grammar is complex.)
Arranged for,
Describing
A
Ripening
Kumquat tree or fig.
A
N
D
Suddenly (after a thousand years or more,)
Tails prehensile,
Or thumbs opposable,
Rampaging and chattering over infinite keys,
Manufacture a sentence,
(Young Gibbons learn fast.)
Not Shakespeare – yet,
Infinity has still a way still to run.
Gibbonish hands,
Hold up the words in triumph.
“Twas a dark and stormy night.”
Thanks for entering, everyone. Nice to see a couple of new folks (to this thread) as well.
This one I'm going to give to prendrelemick; I liked the million monkeys story and the left-side structure. Very well done.
Also, as a lifelong Peanuts fan, I have to give bonus points to Pendragon for the Snoopy reference. Nonetheless, everyone's poems were, as always, very enjoyable to read, and thanks again for posting them.
So congratulations, prendrelemick, your go!
prendrelemick congratulations!!
Thank you Calidore and Cacian. It was a case of constraint leading to creativity.
The next phrase is that well worn legend "May contain nuts". I'm not bothered if you chop or change or pun it, but bear in mind I shall be judgeing enteries around Hallowe'en!
Days retain ruts
Staff explained cuts
No ifs, ands, or buts
May contain nuts
Stay abstain, adjust
Pray, feign trust
Survey proclaims you a klutz
May contain nuts
Today gain guts
Dismay? Constrain fuss
Essay written on a bus
May contain nuts
Obey brain thus
Stray, you vain cuss
Make way for the rest of us
But we may contain nuts!
Pendragon
(C)10/16/2012
Nutty Halloween Guests
As leaves lose green before the fall
And days lose sun to bring a chill,
The ghosts that haunt McKendrick Hall
May flip the lights or screech until
We, owners, know they're back again,
Those spooks who cook rare feasts for men.
Each time they serve up a delight
From stuff they've killed the previous year.
The meat's from beasts who screamed with fright,
Slow tortured while sautéed in fear.
They're nutty like the nuts they use
To flesh out slime-green, yummy stews.
We eat and drink and fight for fun.
McKendrick Hall will shock the town
With flame and noise until we're done.
Our neighbors hope we burn it down.
I know they wish we'd go away
While I keep wond'ring why they stay.
may contain some nuts
use with caution
don't
fill yourself
with blunt
take each something
with plump
it's easier to stump
which gets the nuts
right out
May Contain Twenty-One Nuts
“Cashew!”
Hazel Filbert has an allergy to nuts.
“Bless you!” says her husband, Cobb.
He’s thinking of a beach in Brazil.
She was drinking cola.
Her almond eyes met his and
Her chest jiggled when she sneezed.
When she returned to Macadamia,
He pined.
He pursued her on the wings of love.
And said, “I wanted you from the moment I soya.
Will you marry me?”
She declined. “I walnut.
You just a want a shag,” barked Hazel.
“It’s true,” Cobb said. “You give me
The horn. Be mine!”
“I should coco.
You will monkey with my affections.”
Cobb pleaded until he was hoarse,
And Hazel was ground down.
Love conkers all.
Anybody else? Three days to go.
Ok then
Cacain - you may be a genius beyond my ken.
Yes No - Stuck to the Halloween thing, good narratative.
Pendragon - That's the kind of thing I would do. You worked hard to contrive so many rhymes.
Mark - and they had a child called Meg, I'm a sucker for that kind of thing.
The Winner is ................................. Yes No
Thanks, prendrelemick!
The next line for the comedy/satire/pun contest is
Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet.
There is even a Wikipedia article on this nursery rhyme: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Miss_Muffet
Anything related to the rhyme would work.
Deadline: Sunday, November 18th, less than three weeks from now.
They found Little Miss Muffet far from her tuffet
Eaten by birds of prey
When questioned, the spider admitted he'd shied her
A stomp, and justice won the day
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Inarticulate with rage so they say
Seems the contract had a rider
Her home was repossessed by the spider
Now she just dreams of eating curds and whey
little miss muffet who sat with her tuffet
facing seconds that it could fall
and crawl all over the floor
of her little puppet
decided not to store
anymore of he frequent falls
and so walked off tall from
her dearest tuffet and took on
her puppet to be her beloved
entertainment of all
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet...
Hey! that's Ms Muffet to you and not so much of the Little and whadya mean tuffet are you referring to my *** curds and whey with my lactose intolerance you're kidding right I aint scared of you and I aint scared of no spider!
Oh! it's quite big isn't it
YesNo is it time for the judges to deliberate?
Thanks for the reminder, cacian! I should put stuff like this in my calendar.
Calidore: A tasty ending for Miss Muffet from the birds of prey point of view.
Pendragon: A nice way to get the housing crisis involved. I can see how she might want to step on the spider.
cacian: It seems like that spider was responsible for increased bonding between Miss Muffet an her puppet.
prendrelemick: It looks like Ms Muffet is not one to tangle with. In the back of my mind I associate tuffet with *** like Ms Muffet does, but I'm not sure what a tuffet is exactly. I liked the way you reformatted this without line breaks.
Thanks, all of you, for the entries. They all deserved to win. I enjoyed reading them all.
The winner is
prendrelemick
Congratulations, prendrelemick!
Thank YesNo and congratulations prendrelemick!!
Thankyou yesno and cacian
The next phrase is -
Just add water.
Matilda Grew Suspicious While Reading the Instructions on a Box of Witch's Brew Mix at the Grocery Store
"Just add water? Who's heard of such stuff?"
Thought Matilda all ready to boil.
"No frog legs? No green slime?
And no cackling sublime?
Where's the fun if they take out the toil?"
Kitchen Modernization
Used to cut up the veggies, chop up the meat
Stir in the sauces to get something to eat
Roll out the dough to make biscuits from scratch
Light the cook fire with an old wooden match
Collect eggs every morning, pick berries each spring
Hunting deer in the forest had a beautiful ring
They claim that advances in science have made use cook smarter:
Want pancakes for breakfast? Just add water!
Soup for lunch, boy, just add water!
Dinner is freeze dried, so just add water!!
All that work raising food and cooking meals is a bother!
Wake up, smell the coffee! Just add water!
Pendragon
(C) 11/21/2012
inside the cup
a faience of kind
the tea bag is flumped
sitting in prompt
awaiting to be drunk
and so just add water
and see the cup
take saucer
to the guzzler of clover
peppermint and rasb
Anybody else?
The winner is YesNo for her disappointed Witch.