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It is that the natural spoken accents don't match where I think the melody wants them to be. I would accent that line and the one above it like this where I speaking it:
IF a HUman FARM I SPY,
With GARbage LYing nearBY,
Both the number of accents and their place in the line may be a problem, however, I am not that familiar with the melody of the song. It might work.
This poem rather burst out of me, which is highly unusual - for me, poetry is usually a more considered and drawn-out exercise. In any case, it may have something to do with dipping into the Book of Revelation, and having a long discussion with somone about war and terrorism.
Kingdom Come
We hear about the end of war,
The news is sung from door to door,
While bodies pile up on the floor
And all our feelings numb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
The statues went and towers fell,
We were told all would be well,
The Devil sighs and reigns in hell
Atop a growing sum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
Did John alone have eyes that see?
Can one be both a slave and free?
The laws that govern you and me
Do not apply to some.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
A lonely rider rides the sky,
White horse, white drone, away to fly,
But we aground must love and die
Beneath a ruler’s thumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
All bodies rise up from the ground,
And march to here from all around,
They only hear the trumpet’s sound,
The beating of a drum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
And they have died that yet do live,
Poor souls with nothing left to give,
That cannot damn, that can’t forgive
But only can succumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?
We tools of war were made to mar,
In Father’s fire we sere and char,
So never knowing what we are
Nor what we may become.
O Lord, O Lord,
This is thy kingdom come.
Nice rhyme and meter. Most of what I write bursts out of me as well, "diarrhea of the mouth," as one of my high school teachers called it, but it is often more entertaining and more rational than the well-reasoned stuff.
A forceful poem. Sometimes I ask this question myself, but in prose.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lokasenna
Thanks, YesNo! I'm glad you liked it. I too have been accused of 'mindless verbosity', particularly in my non-fiction writing, though I try to curb it as best I can.Quote:
Originally Posted by YesNo
Thank you very much. It's unusual for me to write poems of social relevance, but this I think is quite a reasonable exception.Quote:
Originally Posted by Danik 2016
This is a grand poem from what I would term a temporal, perhaps even dystopian, viewpoint... and I see nothing wrong with that, for it is a worldly point of view that many, including many Christians, share in this day and age.
I'm grateful for your poem to allow me to explore the spiritual aspect of hope and salvation found in "The Book of Revelation" which you prompted me to explore within my faith:Your ending: "So never knowing what we are / Nor what we may become." is a temporal tour de force. My perspective however is much brighter through my faith and I thank you for bringing this to remembrance.Quote:
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1975/09/u...ation?lang=eng - As the Saints pursue the course of progression and perfection, they look for a better world. Amid the evils and downdrafts of this life they have a need to look upward and ahead, to look at the overall course ordained by their Creator; they need to think in terms of millennial and celestial rewards. Where is all this set forth so effectively as in the latter part of these writings of John?
Nowhere else do we find the detailed data relative to the plagues and scourges of a sick and dying world. Nowhere is the overthrow of satanic power so pitilessly described. Truly the teachings of this inspired work are some of the greatest incentives to personal righteousness now found in holy writ.
Has not the day come when the maturing gospel scholar can dip into this great treasury of revealed truth and come up with a knowledge of those things that will assure him of peace and joy in this life and eternal life in the world to come?
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
Thank you, Tailor. I'm glad you liked the poem, and that it provoked such meaningful emotions for you.
While I do not share your religious sentiment - the God of Abraham really is not for me - I do find great artistry in the holy books of the Abrahamic religions. Whether John of Patmos was divinely inspired or not, his book is a thing of terrible power and compelling imagery that has shaped much Western thought. Our politicians tell us that we must have war to end war - a sentiment not far removed from the concept of the final battle before the end of days.
Watcha, Loki
One really can't help being reminded of Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven with the theme and sentiment of your latest offering. "If this is God's kingdom, let him do with it as he will," as the rather sullen (and uninspiring) Orlando Bloom declared in his incarnation as Balien, the defender of Jerusalem. I, for one, would not have been tempted to lay down my life at his invitation!
But I digress. You have a strongly rhythmic piece here, the first four lines of each verse could be sung as a marching song, or chant. For the most part, your lines are strong and purposeful, but there are a couple of areas of weakness where you've succumbed to the temptation to wrench them a bit in order to maintain rhyme and metre. "...away to fly" & "And they have died that yet do live," which might benefit from a little tweaking.
I have fairly mixed views on the refrain though. I have often remarked that rhythms form "natural questions and answers." This is demonstrated by various rhythmic forms in music and poetry. The fact that the last two lines of each verse actually pose an unanswered question rhythmically can be interpreted as a physical realisation of the question itself. However, here, the fact that it is tacked on at the end of the verse, destabilises it. I wonder, did you try it at the beginning of each verse instead? I do have another reservation, though. Repeated seven times, without variation, it does become a little 'old' by the end of the poem. Would the question itself have more power if presented less frequently, or even only once as a more complete thought poetically? Just a thought.
Regardless, this is a strong piece.
Live and be well - H
I haven´t thought about the repetition. But the theme of the poem in a certain way is the undoing or failure of the present world. In this context it is interesting that the last two lines desestablish the whole verse. I don´t know if this was intentional, but it creates a meaningful correspondence between content and form.
I really liked that Loki. Poems that flood out have an engageing and immediate quality that can get lost with more considered stuff.
Thank you for your feedback, Hawk - as ever, your criticism is intelligent and helpful! I did see Kingdom of Heaven when it came out in the cinema, and it left me with a sense of... er... profound indifference. My aim was for something more contemporary, but now that I think about it there is a certain Crusades vibe to this piece of mine.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
I (think) I was aiming more for a Johnny Cash-esque bluesy elegy than a marching song, but I can see how that sentiment would fit with the piece. And yes, my usual occasional weakness with metre is on show - though I happened to be quite pleased with the 'away to fly' line. Still, I take your point - the necessity of sticking to the metre has introduced a degree of clunkiness which I should try to iron out.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
I too have mixed views on the refrain. The repetition gets a little grating, particularly when the poem is recited aloud - I found myself asking the question in different tones (anger, puzzlement, resignation), just to give each stanza a bit of differenciation. I played about with moving or excluding the refrain for a little while, before coming to the conclusion that I should go with my original gut instinct and have the refrain at the end of each stanza. Somehow the poem feels too brisk without it, and I think thematically the repetition is a necessary punctuation to the layers of war imagery.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
Thanks, Danik. I think your reading of my poem works. As for what I intended, it hardly matters - I strongly believe that the views of the artist are irrelevant to how others interpret their art.Quote:
Originally Posted by Danik 2016
Thanks Prendrelemick, I'm glad you liked it! Would that poems would flood out of me more often.Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick