I've been thinking that it would be nice to know if the person with the problem found a solution, be it through advice on this thread or not :)
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I've been thinking that it would be nice to know if the person with the problem found a solution, be it through advice on this thread or not :)
Good idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by Maximilianus
I will see if they would like to share anything.
Okay Scher, thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
The reply I have received:Quote:
Actually she is gay, she's bisexual.
However, I was speaking to her on facebook and she thinks that high school is not the best time for a relationship. She's going to wait since "no one in our high school is good enough". She has no idea I like her however and I'm trying to be friends. :(
Many people who first say "not good enough" eventually change their minds. I would suggest a slow beginning, be it friendship for example, and moving on little by little, to see what happens. Hasting relationships is seldom advisable. Patience may work.
Here's another letter:Quote:
So there are a couple people I really like...but it seems I'm totaly not important to them. and the two that act like im important are unavailable for one reason or another... One I have been with before they are 21 and never have time for me, but always have time for everyone else, and I have caught them in several lies. The next is 31 and very sucsesfull, but sometimes he will talk to me, others he completly ignores me and I'm not sure how he feels about me. The third is the most complicated he is amazing and flirts all the time, he has a girlfriend that he has left 'for me' 3 times, but we never get together and he always goes back to her its like this never ending game he plays. the last is 30 lives like 3 hours away claims to love me and want a future together, but I know he still has Fbuddies and hits on women all the time...
So do I tell them all to F off? Are they all just playing with my emotions? UGH! men are complicated. any help...
This last one, the "amazing" one -- bad news. He's playing you; he's playing his girlfriend; he's playing the other girls he's flirting with. If you value your heart, stay far away.
The middle boy, the one who "ignores" you -- I think he's your real wild card here. You have to see if he's shy or has has a self-esteem issue. Men can be very intimidated by women. Maybe he's just not sure he measures up to you. Or maybe he's an arrogant hot-head. Further research is needed.
The first boy, the liar -- stay away. This seems like he's giving you the friends routine.
I mostly agree with Comedian's suggestions. I too believe the second guy should be more assessed. Regarding the other two, just get rid of them for good. Men like them are only capable of tarnishing the male condition, and because of them, many women believe that every man is flawed.
from your description, they pretty much all suck. If someone only gives you the time of day when it's convenient for them, they're not worth you emotionally investing yourself and giving them what you're not getting back. The more you put into it and fail to recieve the thought and attention you need, the more you will end up getting hurt in the end.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
Since my advice is to ditch these losers completely, what I would do is give one of them the benefit of the doubt. Tell them how you feel, what's bothering you, and why it hurts you to be treated the way you are. If the person pretty much blows you off, then you know you were right (that they are not worth your time) and can walk away. If the person makes a promise to change, perhaps they'll mean what they say and finally start treating you the way you desire them to.
EDIT: And comedian, I wouldn't say the 31 year old is the wildcard here, none of them are. I don't think the person who wrote this letter is any older than 21, so that's a 10 year age difference. The person who wrote this is putting too much attention into people that probably deserve much less time than they are being given.
Sage advise here. All of it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathor
I'd get rid of all three of them, like Mathor said.
But I don't think I'd bother to explain to them why you're getting rid of them. I mean, would you believe them if they promised to change?
I presented that option, because in actuality, whoever wrote that likely wouldn't follow the advice of getting rid of all three. Most people want to hold on to things like that. It's what makes human beings pretty silly.Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
yes, I know. I'm not sure I'd be able to follow my own advice ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathor
can I add that I wouldn't waste any time on the guy who sometimes talks to her and sometimes ignores her. I know this kind of guy, although in my case it was someone I wanted to be friends with, not someone I fancied. This kind of guy will make you feel like there's something wrong with you, because you can never do the right thing. If you talk to them, they'll ignore you next time. If you don't talk to them, they'll mope and feel neglected (although they probably won't admit it). Whatever you do is wrong. There's a word for this kind of guy and the word is JERK. It's nothing to do with being shy etc.
Think that ias a good idea, making it practical is also a easy one..
Yes, get rid of all of them and take a break from dating for a while until you meet someone you like.
From your post it sounds like you are interested in these guys simply because they have shown some kind of interest in you and you feel the need to pick one. It does not have to be so. We don't know how you actually feel about them.
So, I think you need a clean slate and wait for someone that really matters.
Another letter:Quote:
Here's my question.
A friend of mine, G, suddenly confessed her affection for me, telling me that's she's liked me for the last year but didn't make a move since I was attracted to another girl, K. While I was stunned at her confession, I impulsively asked her out.
Now, I'm a very shy girl, I've never even dated anyone before and I've had some issues with stalkers, harrasers and suchlike people. I really don't know how to act around others (since i usually socially isolate myself) and I obviously have no idea how to act around this girl. She's very smart and beautiful yet almost as insecure as i am and we're very good friends.
We're going to the movies on a date. Help me guys! How should I act? What should I do? I don't want to make an spectacle of myself or ruin our friendship, and while I'm still attracted to K, I'm curious to where a relationship with G may go. Advice?
I believe you should carry on acting as friends as much as possible; just because it is a "date", it does not mean that you need to start behaving differently. Go out and have fun and, if there is chemistry between you guys, then the rest should follow naturally.
It is great that you like each other as friends so should be able to have a good time without forcing yourselves.
What Scher said. Just be yourself if there's chemistry that's great but if not at least you gave it a try and go back to being friends.
We have another letter but considering the sensitivity of the issue, I would like everyone to respond in a suitable fashion and respect the feelings of the people involved.
Thank you:Quote:
Following the death of a close family member couple of years ago, I started to think about my childhood a lot. I began to remember certain incidents that I had forgotten or to look at them differently. Now, I suspect that I might have been abused as a young child... Not by the family member who passed away but another very close one and this suspicion is really tearing me apart.
I desperately wish to get some answers but this person has always made very poor choices in life and is now leading a very unhappy life after losing everything (both emotionally and materialistically speaking). So, I am not sure what I would gain from a confrontation - apart from upsetting other family members and myself too because, I guess, this is one can of worms one can never close again.
Do you think I should still speak up and ask some questions or simply try to move on? How does one move on in a situation like this?
My suggestion: see a therapist and tell them everything. It might make you feel lighter, and they can advise you better then we can on the course of action that you should take with the family member in question.
I really wouldn't keep this to yourself though. If it's already tearing you apart, then bad things could happen if you don't address it.
I agree with Juniper. I think here are help-lines or charities that specialize in cases like yours, where the incident happened many years ago in their childhood and they are not sure what to do.
plus, the fact that this person is very unhappy now has nothing to do with it. that does not give them the right to abuse you.
Samaritans provide free confidential counselling over the phone. It might be a starting point.
I agree with the others, you really should talk about it to someone and not just keep it all to yourself.
You ask if you should move on, and how to move on in your situation. I can't give exact advice, because I never suffered what you have experienced, nor am I an expert in the field of abuse. However, I humbly believe that in order to move on you have to be settled with your past, meaning that if your past is a real burden then you should shake that burden off your back in some way, to the best possible. Spending all of your life running away from painful events instead of facing them will only add to the sadness you already feel, I believe. Of course I also believe you may benefit from professional advice. I wish you the best.
By the way, the fact that other relatives may feel upset by your questions doesn't oblige you to keep your mouth shut. It's not your problem what they feel. Your only problem should be what you feel, because you were the victim, and not them. In the same way, it's not the victims' concern if abusers lead unhappy lives and lose everything. Their misery doesn't entitle them to get free from their victims' reactions against what they did, even if it happened many years ago. Abusers have to pay for what they do, somehow, because they've got it coming.
Again, my humble opinion. Best of lucks.
Internet too.Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm
I didn't know they offered assistance over the internet as well; thanks, Juniper.
I have been thinking about this and "not being sure" part must be the hardest. Unless one feels sure about it, it must be very hard to speak up.
I'm actually kind of torn on this one. Is it something that has an effect on your current state of health either emotionally or physically? If not I might just try to make my own peace with it and let it go (which may include counseling). If the abuse is having a toll I would definitely seek some kind of counselling.
Then again it really depends on the type of abuse, if this person abused others and if it is still happening today.
We have another letter but considering the sensitivity of the issue, please respect the feelings of the people involved and offer constructive replies.
Thank you:Quote:
I'm polyamorous. I am in a relationship with two men, and though they are not attracted to each other, they both love me very much, and I them. We've been together for almost 3 years now, and, for the most part, we are happy. I was with one of the guys before I met the other, so our circle of friends knows him as my "boyfriend" and the other guy as "just a friend."
The trouble is, we can't tell many people about our relationship. We've tried hinting to friends, and all reactions have been negative, so we just shut up. It's frustrating for me, as I've always been an open and honest person with my friends and family, and I feel like I'm lying every time I introduce the second guy as my "friend."
My attraction to both men is not purely sexual. I am in love with both, and they both know it. The three of us get along splendidly together; it is the secret-keeping that kills me.
My question is: if I were your daughter/sister/best friend/aunt/neice/grandmother/granddaughter/coworker...whatever...what would you think if you found this out about me? If this idea angers/upsets/disgusts you, please, be honest and descriptive, as I want badly to understand people's aversion to what has become a very happy part of my life.
I think the reason why most people respond negatively to polyamorous relationships is because of the common-held sterotype that they are abusive/mysoginistic/unnatural, which is complete ignorance due to the fact that I'm sure plenty of people such as the poster are in polyamorous relationships and are just happy. A lot of the negativity derives from ignorance, and just as it is difficult for homosexuals to be open about their relationships, it is difficult for polyamorouists because of negative sterotype.
Either way, I can't exactly give you any useful advice besides my own empathy. If I were a friend of yours, I would certainly not react negatively, especially since it has become a very happy part of your life, in fact I would be very happy that you have two men that love and care for you.
You know, that's one thing I don't understand towards people who are unable to tolerate those of different sexual practice or orientation, if he/she is happy with their partner(s), than why fret and have offensive comments/attitudes?
I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to polygynandry. If I were your sister/friend, I'd be cool with it. As long as you're happy, then I wouldn't care.
If you told your family and friends, they'd probably get used to it. It's a gamble, though. I know kids who have told their parents that they're gay, and it caused some problems. You have to decide whether the secrecy bothers you enough to take the risk.
Sounds crazy. Three years? This isn't emotional, it's perverse. And while I can see why you're having an interesting time (actually I can't), I have no idea why either of the two men would hang around. Does either of them have self respect? Do you?
As much as I think that honesty is usually best, sometimes keeping quiet about something you're sure your family won't accept is better. I have a very strained relationship with my mother, and that's pretty good considering the horror stories I've heard. There are people who end up fully ostracized by their family for being who they are. If you think a close family member won't accept something, it might be better to keep it secret.Quote:
Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf
For the person who wrote the letter, telling people anything unusual about yourself is always a risk. Although, I think being in a polyamorous relationship isn't even that unusual. Christ, there are thousands of people out there in polyamous relationships, except usually one of the members is in the dark about being in one. Anybody who has a problem with what consenting adults do in their own time, that doesn't harm anyone, need to suck it and go f' themselves.
Anthropologically speaking, monogamy is largely a result of sedentary lifestyles and the need for males to try and control the paternity of a woman's offspring for inheritance purposes. I can think of no reason why monogamy should be a condition of love. I would certainly agree that deception of a partner is wrong, but in something open and agreed upon, well I can see no wrong here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
To..
I say...Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scheherazade
I have given this some thought. For once this is a situation I have no experience with personally. (By this I mean that all perties involved are aware of each other.) I'm not sure what sort of response you are looking for. If I was a friend/relative etc. speaking for myself alone I would point out to you only one thing. Who is the weakest link in the chain here? Sooner or later someone is going to want more out the relationship and also what sort of future that will come of it. This current state of things can;t last forever much as it may seem to. Time will ring it its inevitable changes. Word to the wise is sufficient. This wont last.
This is true of the vast majority of monogamous relationships as well, so does it really matter?Quote:
Originally Posted by mtpspur
I'd also like to add that I began my post before Virgil's was posted and the, "suck it up and go f' themselves" comment wasn't meant to be directed at him as an insult.
Well, that makes no sense. We have a situation here where a female is screwing around with two males. This is the very opposite of control of paternity. In the few places that bigamy is legal, it's a male who gets to have multiple females. And anthropologically speaking? I doubt these people were raised in a jungle. There's a such thing as culture shaping values.Quote:
Originally Posted by OrphanPip
Maybe I was unclear. If we look at some non-sedentary societies like the natives of Quebec immediately after European arrival. French records report the native cultures as exhibiting matrilineal inheritance with children being raised communally while polyamory was rampant. Of course, the French expressed great disgust at this lifestyle. However, it informs us about what life would be like when we take away the need to ensure that the child be the fathers when patrilineal inheritance is taken out of the equation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
In sedentary societies where polygamy is found, yes it is usually the male with multiple partners because there is patrilineal inheritance.
Inheritance is largely not a social issue today, the only reason we cling to social structures of monogamy is because of tradition. Now I think it's perfectly fine and admirable to be in a monogamous relationship. However, I just can't find a logical reason for polyamory to be wrong when it doesn't involve the power or control relations of say a polygamous cult that keeps women locked away in the home.
Sure culture shapes our values, but that doesn't mean cultural norms are inherently right. We need not look far back in history to find a time when many reprehensible actions were socially acceptable.
And that doesn't mean that all cultural norms are not represhensible. In fact I would venture to say that most are normative, including this one.Quote:
Originally Posted by OrphanPip
"My question is: if I were your daughter/sister/best friend/aunt/neice/grandmother/granddaughter/coworker...whatever...what would you think if you found this out about me? If this idea angers/upsets/disgusts you, please, be honest and descriptive, as I want badly to understand people's aversion to what has become a very happy part of my life."
I'm going to be honest with you. I think that you have a difficulty making a commitment. I would not respect your lifestyle, nor would I condone it. I think that the three of you are not being truly honest. You are getting everything that you want...both men, which is a very selfish attitude. No matter what both men say, they each want you wholly for himself. While it is true that one man can never be your all-in-all, you need to take the good with the bad. I'm not telling you what you ought to do...I'm telling you how I would react to it. Consider asking each guy if he would be pleased if you chose to be monogamous with him. You will find that each man really wants that...but it is possible that they won't be honest with you. Most people will not openly condone this lifestyle...accept for those people who also have a lifestyle that they don't want to be judged in...
Without getting into some meta-ethical debate over how we come to decide what is right/acceptable/whatever.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
I think it is unfair to define her experience as a girl "screwing around" with two guys. There is no way for us to say her feelings aren't equally profound for either man, and I think it is equally unfair to say these men have no self-respect.
We can't just begin rejecting unconventionality for merely being unconventional. It is simply a recipe for intolerance and the kind of social control one would expect in a fascist state. No one is being harmed in this relationship, and no one significantly involved is being deceived.
Their need for secrecy is perhaps worthy of criticism, but the polyamorous nature of the relationship itself isn't. I wouldn't be involved in one, but perhaps that's just my male dominance behavior manifesting itself.
Pssh, maybe some people will condone it because we're not caught up in archaic rigid social structures.Quote:
Originally Posted by BienvenuJDC
Honestly, my lifestyle isn't nearly exciting enough to require judgment from anyone. It mostly involves work, food, and sleep.