You should be. It's MICK Jagger, not Mike Jagger. I'm going to start calling you Zippy the Pinhead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Zippy
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You should be. It's MICK Jagger, not Mike Jagger. I'm going to start calling you Zippy the Pinhead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Zippy
Q:Why did the hydrogen atom wear a green shirt?Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
A:Because it thought green shirts were funny, but hydrogen atoms have no sense of humor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
On the contrary, Hydrogen atoms are almost as funny as Helium atoms and we all know how funny those are...
He's Mike to his friends!Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
hey the hydrogen atom was wearing a red shirt today...with yellow sunflowers(DUH!)
and it did luk funny...yea...walkin hand-in-hand with the helium atom that wore a blue pink shirt...
btw are green shirts really funny?
ok I'll tell you a joke that I heard recently:
a bull and a lion were playing cards. suddenly the lion looks at the watch adn says:
lion: I have to go now because my wife is waiting for dinner.
bull: oh common, you're afraid of your wife, what kind a man are you?
lion: well my wife is a lioness not a cow like yours. :D
the chief of police calls one of his officers and gives him two euros. he says:
CH: here are two euros, one is for my newspaper and the other one is for my hamburger.
Of: yes sir.
while going down the street he was keeping the newspaper euro in his right hand and the hamburger euro in his left hand and he kept repeating which one is which until he forgot. the officer comes back in the station without buying anything...
CH: *screaming* where is my newspaper... and my hamburger?
Of: I am so sorry sir but as I was going down the street I forgot which euro was for the newspaper and which one was for the hamburger.
CH: *screaming* YOU STUPID... now I can't remember either...
I like this one! ;)
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging
violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big
arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,having
almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave
him a rowboat, strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in
about an hour after almost capsizing twice. Seeing what happened to the
first two men, the third man prayed,"God please give me the strength, the
tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a
woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked
across the bridge.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart *** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
:D:D:D:D:D
Two statues - one of a naked man and the other of a naked woman - stood facing each other in a park for a hundred years.
One day an angel appears and brings them to life. The angel says, "God has granted me permission to give you life for the next 30 minutes. During that time you can do anything your heart desires, whatever you have been most longing for during your time as statues."
The statues smile at one another and jump down from their pedistals. They hold hands and hop-off happily behind a nearby bush.
The angel watches bemused as the bushes rustle and the air is filled with the sound of laughter. After 15 minutes the statues reappear, still holding hands and looking happier than ever.
"You still have 15 minutes left," says the angel. "What do you want to do?"
The woman statue smiles sheepishly and says to the male statue, "Do you fancy doing it again?"
The male statue grins, and after a moment says, "Well...okay. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on it's head."
:p LMAO!!! :D
What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
:lol:
ROFLOL
*g*
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why didnt the ghost go to the dance?
because it had no body to go with.
How do you make a Tissue dance?
You put a little boogy in it.
what did the cow say when it saw the balloon?
Moo
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A wooly jumper
Did you hear about the wooden car?
It wooden go
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Letter requesting for "Software support" on "Personal Computers"
Dear (IT) Technical Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
Saturday-Rugby6.3 always fails but Saturday-Shopping 7.1 runs instead !
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting
to run any of my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help.
Joe
Reply from Technical Support
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic is understanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under
alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused
them, you must run the
C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key.
It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but
hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any
circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Regards,
Technical support
Have a nice day
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
The result of my childhood zoological "experiments."Quote:
Originally Posted by Zippy
(heh-heh)
ROFLMAO!! :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
I never thought this thread would "live " for so long~!
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "It's awfully hot in here, isn't it?" The other looks over and screams, "AAAAAHHHH!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
Grandma Elden was baby-sitting, and every five minutes adrienne had another request to keep her from going to sleep. Exasperated, she said to her four-year old grand-daughter, "Adrienne, if you call grandmother one more time, I'm going to get very angry." Five minutes later she heard Adrienne say quietly, "Mrs. elden, can I have a glass of water?"
Neither did I. It's a disgrace.Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
What makes you say that, starrwriter?
disgrace???. I don't get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
The "quality" of most of the jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Two potatos were walking down the street, how do you know which is the prostitute?
The one that says: I da ho.
You know, starr, you don't even have to read them, much less like them. I happen to like these jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
oh stop jumping for the bait robin, and tell a joke
Q: How do you weigh a whale?
A: take it to a Wail Way station
:D
:p Nyeh. :p
What's a perfect square?
A nerd that doesn't make mistakes.
I wouldn't brag about that if I were you.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Fortunately for me, you're not.
More math jokes: "Statistics means never having to say you're certain."
really I never understood stats?
lets see
Q: Whast yellow and scary
A: shark infested custard.