Sorry Dada

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Originally Posted by PabloQ

Nikhar,

The first thing I want you to understand is that I don't look at the voting before I read the stories in this competition. I don't let the vote count or who voted for each story prejudize my opinion.

Secondly, I read all of the stories and try to determine which one had the best story. Based on that, I eliminated your story upon first reading it because I didn't like the story, primarily because it seemed like a wordy rendition of a simple story and the short section at the end seemed obscure and disconnected from the rest of the text. To be honest, I just didn't care.

That may seem harsh, but writing a good story within the economy of 2000 words is extemely difficult. I've tried it a couple times myself and failed. This story struck me more as an effort to fill a story with 2000 words than to tell a story well within that constraint. Fifth Element's points are spot on. There are points where you got carried away with words instead of telling the story. (examples, that first paragraph, the description of that injection, the race for the elevator).

I got confused a couple of times in the story. When the narrator returned from the "tour", based on his mother's reaction, I would have thought Dada was already dead. When the narrator sees his Dada in the hospital bed, I once again thought he was already dead. And like I said, the bit at the end didn't fit for me.

I can't imagine how much more difficult it is to write a story in English when it isn't your native language. Of all the advice, considering that challenge, try to keep it simple and tell a good story. Fight the urge to overuse modifiers. You run the risk of choosing the wrong one. (Most folks don't find elevators to be cavernous, for example). Trampolines don't thump naturally unless someone is bouncing on them. Bad choices distract from the story. So, my advice is to concentrate on telling a good story and less on trying to impress folks with your writing.

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Hi...firstly, thanks a lot for your comments. :)

One of the complaints against my writing has been that it hasnt always been very clear and has been confusing. I certainly need to work on that.

Thanks again.

Anyone else?

Any criticisms is greatly welcomed and it helps me leaps for my next story.

Most of the previous comments were good. The only thing I object to is a technical difficulty. When he gets the shot and you describe the needle, it a bit off. Three and one half inch needles are not used to hit veins. If blood flowed into the needle, it was a vien shot. Such shots (as in morphine) are intramuscular and show no blood. The only way blood flows into a syringe is if it's drawn there on purpose. (like when junkies "register") The idea of the story is good, just the execution needs a bit of revision.

Thanks a ton steven for your comments. :)

One of my limitations being a student currently is lack of technical knowledge and I regularly err on that front. I really need to work on it. :)

Dear Nik,

Sorry for not reading your message until just recently, I keep saying I'm gunna stick to regularly check the forums out but fail epicly in keeping that promise. Life's getting more and more busy in my end, but you can say I'm getting by fine enough =3 (God, I sound like an old man lol)

But enough about the boring stuff xD

I've read quickly through the first lines and your style never fails to hook me up, student or not, your pen has a unique feeling to the way it moves. Look forward for my comment in the near future... not sure when I'll finish reading it though it's short enough for a 30min read, but I'm currently at work and need to attend to some matters =P

Keep writing, Nikhar, and keep developing your writing skills. I like what Mr. Steven Hunley said about the needle, and yes; putting some simple-yet-not-commonly-known facts is a trick I use a lot in my work lately =D Just make sure you know enough of what you'll write, and you can't go wrong.

(the comment I promised)

You, sir, are seriously something else.

You succeeded in showing 4 different stages of character development in less than 2000 words, and like most of those who commented already, 2k words is already almost too short for a good story. You showed the reader how the narrator shifted from innocent happiness to a sudden shock, to guilt and agony, then finally to a form of a spiritual apology or an unspoken promise. Not really sure if you really meant or planned this all along, but it was appealing the way you put it.

However, I didn't find the last moments of dada's departure very... how do I put it... realistic?

Don't get me wrong, sir. I mean sure, I loved how he wanted the narrator to have fun at first, and how the first thing that came out of his mouth on the bed when he saw his grandchild was about the tour and all that--it's so grandfather-like to be concerned with his grand children's happiness. But then again, I didn't like how he parted without reassuring words... I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I thought that maybe you should have worked a little bit on that part... lol but then again, you were limited to only 2000 words after all, so maybe achieving this would have been at the price of something else.

I notice you like to use Metaphor a lot, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but sometimes you need to describe what the narrator/speaker/protagonist really feels, or how he/she sees things, hears things, smells things... Don't misunderstand me, I like metaphors very much, and - English being a secondary language to me - I find them rather interesting. But Emotions play a great part in ourselves, and our senses vary a lot based on what we feel. Try a nice and friendly challenge to write a short story without using metaphor, and see how you can relate to your characters' feelings using what they experience around them instead of metaphor.

My only real complaint about this piece, Nikhar, cannot really be called 'complaint' to begin with. As they already said, the idea of the story is great, it's just the limitation that chained you this time, there wasn't enough details to fill in the gaps, that's why you relied on metaphor to cut the story short somewhat. As I said earlier, using facts sometimes shows the writer's muscles, but be aware of what you write or else... lol... you'll look thin, if you can catch my meaning =3

Personal Rating: 7/10

+Pros:
Hooking style
Good variety in words
Awesome metaphors (personally, I loved the goat one)
Simple-facts trick to juice the story up
Almost real character development

-Cons:
The 2000 words limitation rule killed any possible development, sadly nothing can be done here
Metaphor trigger-happy, sometimes simple description of emotions or actions speak stronger

Thanks a lot Monamy...very generous of you indeed to take out the time during your busy work schedule. :)

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You succeeded in showing 4 different stages of character development in less than 2000 words, and like most of those who commented already, 2k words is already almost too short for a good story. You showed the reader how the narrator shifted from innocent happiness to a sudden shock, to guilt and agony, then finally to a form of a spiritual apology or an unspoken promise. Not really sure if you really meant or planned this all along, but it was appealing the way you put it.

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I knew the narrator had to undergo those changes. But the way you describe it...it makes my writing seem much better than it is. lol :D

I am, indeed, drawn towards metaphors a lot. Maybe, next time, I would concentrate on other things more. :)

Thanks for such a detailed analysis. ;)

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Originally Posted by MarkBastable

You voted for your own story?

How would you have felt if you'd won by one vote?

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Sorry to bring this topic up once again. But I now realize what you had meant. I don't think I would ever vote for my story again without reading all others and deciding for the best. At that time, winning was very important for me and so was the money. Now, I'm past that.

Indeed, the time makes you much more mature. :)
And thanks, for criticizing me at the correct time. ;)