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Dr. Seuess meets Abbott and Costello
From How The Grinch Stole Christmas
C: Who are those people?
A: Yes.
C: I mean the one's down in the village below
A. Who
C: The one's doing all that singing, and dancing, and cooking roast beast!
A. They're Who.
C. What are you asking me for?
A: I not asking you man, I'm telling you. They're Who.
C: Look when Santa comes to the village tonight who get the presents?
A. Certainly, they deserve them.
C: Who do?
A: Yes.
C: Look, Abbott all I want to know is what are the people in that village called?
A: But they aren't. They're Who.
C: Will ya quit asking me? I don't know!
A: Who.
C: Here we go again! That guy there, the Mayor is he?
A: Yes. He's the Head Who.
C: The head who what?
A: He holds the office of Mayor, so he's the Head Who.
C: You mean all those people are who?
A: Now you got it.
C: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Two philosophers are sitting on a beach in Tahiti. One turns and says to the other, "Have you read Marx?". The other replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs".
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A teacher asked a new student,"Can you read and write?"
Student replied,"I can write but can't read."
Teacher was puzzled ,but she thurst a paper and pencil towards him and nudged him to write.
The student drew a few rough lines and returned the paper.
After looking at it with every angle, she told him to read what he had written.
Student replied sheepishly,"Sorry teacher,but I have already told you that I can write but can't read."
..........................................
I read it in a magazine and loved it. :lol: What do you think? :brow:
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A new Pastor was nervous about taking over a church from an older man. But the outgoing Pastor just winked, and showed him three envelopes. "Each time you feel pressured, open one, and do what it says. They are numbered. But make sure you are in real trouble."
About a year later, during a rough time, the new Pastor opened envelope 1. It read: "Blame it all on me. After all, I'm long gone, and it won't hurt."
Things settled down for a while but in about eight months, the new Pastor was in hot water again. He opened envelope #2. It read: "Blame it all on the denomination. They can afford it, and are unlikely to come after you since the church is one of the smaller congregations."
Things went quite well for the next five years. Then the new Pastor really had his back to the wall. He reached and opened the third envelope. It read:
"If things have got to this point you might as well prepare the three envelopes. You'll soon be meeting your replacement." :angel:
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WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW." HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK." "I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS
TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A
NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Hope this makes you laugh!!!!! :lol:
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Hmm, new pastor jokes eh?
A new pastor was a bit nervous on giving his first sermon. "Don't worry", said the more experienced man he was replacing, "I'll sit in the front row and write down some notes for you. And I'll tell you a secret: if you get really nervous, the water glass always has gin in it instead of water". The young pastor thanks the older man, and delivers what he thinks is a very sucessulf sermon. The older pastor's notes read as follows:
1. Sip the gin, don't gulp it.
2. Jesus had twelve deciples, not four.
3. Mary Magdalane was a prostitute, not a 'skank'.
4. Jesus said: "Take of this bread, for it is my body". He didn't say "Eat me".
5. There are four gospels, not twelve.
6. After the sermon on the mount, Jesus' deciples distributed fish and loaves, they did not 'set up a buffet'.
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Playing Gold
Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split
down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped
about 5 ft from the hole.
Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses."
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was
also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very
wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball
finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole.
Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus."
Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old
man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer
picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and
grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning
strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the
ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad."
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An agonostic insomniac dysexic is someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Hummmm. Golf jokes.
Bob had called everybody he knew about a game of golf but they were all busy. He was determined to play golf anyway, and he hated to play by himself. That's when he remembered Johnny. Johnny had dropped out of high school, been in prison for drug charges, and now ran an auto repair shop. Johnny wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak.
Bob called up Johnny who said things were slow today and he was going fishing, but he'd play golf with Bob, but he'd never played before. Bob said that was OK, he'd rent a set of clubs, and teach Johnny the basics.
Johnny's first shot was a horrible slice that bounced off a tree, hit the windshield of a passing car, and caused a four-car pileup.
Bob was aghast: "What are we gonna do now!?"
Johnny was studying his club. "Well, maybe I was gripping the dang thing wrong. I told you I'd never played before...." :D
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
The husband confidently says, "I want the house."
The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies, in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles and says:
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. The airbag!
/Claes
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A chicken walks into a bar and explodes.
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What's the difference between a duck?
Because a snake has no armpits!
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An Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, so the Rabbi says to the minister, "I think we're in the wrong joke".
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Green, but only if the girrafe is waving headphones at a piano.
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How many members of an ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb?
X, 1 to change the lightbulb and X-1 to act in a manner associated with a negative sterotype of that group.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Eleven ! One will change it and the rest 10 will discuss how better and faster they can do it.
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sorry, it was a retarded joke. lead guitarists will understand it though.
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A blonde, a redhed, and a brunette all jumped from the Empire State Building at the same time. According to the laws of physics, all should have hit the ground at about the same time. However, the blonde was more than ten minutes late. She had to go back and ask directions! http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/liebe/f020.gif
