I find stanzas 2 & 3 a bit stiff, mannered, especially after the full-tilt authority of the first stanza and the felicity of it.
Printable View
I find stanzas 2 & 3 a bit stiff, mannered, especially after the full-tilt authority of the first stanza and the felicity of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin
I knew there was something wrong with it, but hadn't the foggiest notion of how to fix the damn thing. Thanks to this reply and your PM on the matter, and to the other LitNutter who came to my aid, I was able to work on it (for hours!) last night so I can revise it today.
Here's the revised version
http://www.online-literature.com/for...02#post1119102
See? Yours reply is a fine and thoroughly useful example of constructive criticism which other LitNutters would do well to follow!
I really appreciate it, Prince!
Wow! I think the whole of it works so much better now - and I was going to mention the possible pun intended in the title, which one can read as a verb in the imperative sense or as a noun; and I believe seeing those two possibilities fits the poem well.
FREE the Wistful Sparks!!!!! The campaign starts here, let them out there plastic bags, let them flutter like fireflies lighting our miserable adult existence. I know where to find them, they were dumped out side.
"What do we want?"
"Free our sparks!!"
"When do we want them let out of there plastic bags, probably some really cheap arse chain store bags, and set free to flutter like fireflies returning childlike simplicity to our dour existence ?"
"Errrmmm. Now. "
Give me a S
give me a P
etc etc :D.
Loved it Auntie Fawcett
These:
are my preferred lines here, Dear Auntie, though I loved the "revolutionary", ie ironic at least tone that permeates all the poem!Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntShecky
Thanks a lot, your offerings always surprise with the exactness of what they spy on and reach!
Just for the hell of it, I'm reposting these two from way back in 07, when I was just a tiny LitNutter, still wet behind the jeers.
On the Nose
(by a nose)
It’s plain as myself
on this face that I
am always sticking myself
into other people’s business
when I'm not stuck in a book,
or stuck up in the air
or looking down myself.
If not stuffed up,
I'm running,
though even when I smell sweet
(or sweetly)
a nose is a nose is a nose,
so I guess the
only thing left to do is
to cut off myself
to spite my face,
for as everybody knows
no nose is good nose.
------
"Chick Sal Sand"
Note how
in the dankest digs
someone remembers
to water the plants
struggling through
lack of light.
It’s helpful to catch
the briefest spark of humanity:
the pedestrian’s grinning shrug
when the “Don't Walk”
sign won't change;
the abbreviated
lunch order scribbled
on a little green pad.
AuntShecky
"A louse in the locks of literature."
Well I like, "On the Nose" for its wit and good humour, but I'm missing something in the title of the second offering. Not sure why you put a stanza break after the opening two lines and the last three don't seem to relate to anything which has gone before. My feeling is that the last satnza either needs extending or cutting. As a two stanza poem I think it would be stronger.
Anyway, Thanks for giving us the opportunity to peek at your back catalogue.
Live and be well - H
Well, Cyrano would have stuck his nose into your nose business for sure had he been younger! for his nose was his life business... and indeed, what a strange whim of evolution, nose...
I like your nose poem very much.
And as for the second, it's another amazing poem, elliptic, its surreal meaning(s) floating in the urban air for one to ponder as one is bound by a street sign to the pavement.
No end to your creativity, Dear Auntie, and you say it was at the very beginning...!
a nose is a nose is a nose
Now that's hysterical. Tiny LitNutter...maybe, but one can spot a budding rose (is a budding rose is a budding rose) of a poet here without a doubt.
The second one is full of ironies. Watering plants even when dank; don't walk sign suggests it's being walked on; and Chick Sal Sand...the abbreviated for Chicken Salad Sandwich? The scribbled note is discarded, littered, the final insult to the poor plants.
I particularly like the second one which reads as very PrinceMYshkin-like to me. Its brilliant disparate observation.... or is it ? Hugely enjoyable, if you were wet behind the jeers there is no sign.
If It’s Friday, This Must be Egypt
Near an obelisk
a slinky odalisque basked,
‘til a basilisk snuck by,
with its wings tucked and linked
and its breath’s putrid stink,
and that lethal look in its eye.
With considerable risk,
she gave its scales a quick frisk,
donning a mask so she wouldn’t die.
Then, after dancing to a disk,
clicking tunes hot and brisk,
they supped on crocodile bisque
and a slab of gooseberry pie.
Wonderfully trippy wordplay and a very conscientious skivvy! Obviously very well trained :D A very witty and enjoyable read. More please!!!
Live and be well - H
#386- Haha, nicely done Auntie.
J
Lol, loved the gooseberry pie (it's been years).
"Odalisque" was a nice touch; googled.
I noted "bisque" breaks the form you chose to work, followed by "pie" tongue and cheekily placed in the "off" line (interesting); or perhaps a form I'm not acquainted with. Quite fun>
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
Thanks, Hawk and Jack and Tailor STATELY:
Good catch! You're right, it breaks with the form as it adds an extra line.Quote:
I noted "bisque" breaks the form you chose to work, followed by "pie" tongue and cheekily placed in the "off" line (interesting); or perhaps a form I'm not acquainted with.
But what the hey. Not an established form, just something cooked up from
the cobwebby recesses of yer auntie's brain.
Thanks for the comment. Good to see ya back on the LitNet again.