Tell Me A Joke

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Oh Boris what a gift you are. I love St. Petersburg. When I was little I already started reading every book I could about Mother Russia and I fell in love with the land, the great architecture, the poetry, social life, just everything. When I would read Tolstoy or the diaries of Nicholas and Alexandra I would tremble with joy. There is something so alive and gorgeous about Russia even in her most broken moments.
When I watched in real time the burials of the Romanovs,royal and saw the line of Romanovs standing silently watching the caskets being lowered and saw the unbelievable beauty of the church I wept for an hour afterward. Do you ever wish to go on an extended trip home?
I have never heard ONE of your jokes before. That shows how much I get around.
Spasibo Boris

Yes sometimes I want to go back- I have really a lot of friends there, after all I left Russia only 4 years ago. I love St. Petersburg- I was so dissapointed that I missed the celebration of 300 years birthday of the city. Have you watched "The Russian arc"? I was casted in Winter Palace itself. I like Tolstoy, but I always prefered Dostoevsky. What Russian poets do you like?
And another silly one:
A little turtle is climbing the tree. After a long and difficult way it finally manages to climb to one of the big branches and jumps from it. While flying it tries to flap its paws and naturally falls on the ground. Hurt, it tries to climb the tree again, falls, etc.
Nearby two birds are talking: "I think that it's time to tell our child that he is adopted"
And a short one- all people are born free and equal. Then some of them get married...

Poor poor turtle! can't wait to tell my girlfriends. thankyou.
Oh I agree about Fyodor, I was meaning Tolstoy with regard to his frequent experimenting with agriculture, with his serfs concerning the way they were treated socially at that time. From that he was able to extract some beautiful imagery. But nothing can break my heart or make me think like Dostoevsky. Poets? Well Pushkin of course and I am very partial toMarina Stvetaeva,(spelling). I find her hauntingly beautiful. And like Sylvia Plath she took her own life, which is tragic. For music I love Borodin, one called the Steppes of Central Asia I loved and Rimsky Korsakoff. Well there probably are fifty names to be mentioned, Russia is so rich in everything. I cannot understand what a shock to you to come from St.Petersburg which TO ME A FAERIE TALE place and be where you are now however impressive.
Do you write poetry?
I just realized I don't know any jokes. Usually the people telling them to me are so gross that my face is glowing from embarassment and I wouldn't have repeated them anyway. so I will just catalogue all of yours and then my friends will first of all think I have gone peculiar(am very shy with friends) and or have been visiting the jokes shop and bought them out of all good books. Thank you Boris.

A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them

Another one: two old friends are meeting.
First: You know, almost all our friends are divorced or at least have a lot of problems with their marriage. But you seem to be very happy and satisfied for 15 years. Is there some kind of secret?
Second: Yes, I'll open you a secret. We decided that life shouldn't become boring and mundane. So we are going to the restaurants. We start from the romantic dinner with candles, then go to the bar, dance, touch each other anticipating the night full of love
First: And how often do you go?
Second: To the restaurant? Every week: I on Tuesdays, my wife on Fridays

I know some Punjabi jokes and some about Sikhs which I find very funny but the problem is that they loose their actual thingy when told in English. *frowns*

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QUOTE=Boris239]A short anekdote: If you don't have a girlfiend, then somebody has two of them

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girlFIEND??! :D

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Originally Posted by mir

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girlFIEND??! :D

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yes- one girlfiend is scary, but can you imagine that someone has two :D

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:

1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and

2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

Actual Statements Taken From Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Powerful letter from Grandma....

Grandma

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Baked Beans

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will ......

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,I
have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold
until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of
cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door..."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway..."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup... He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door closes and locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

HUSBAND 1.0

From: Danielle Knowles

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:\IThought
you loved me" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install
Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5, which just
might reinstall Romance 9.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1, and Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snore Loudly 10.8. Whatever you
do: DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend downloading LotsaHotFood 3.0, then reformat your personal files to be compatible with NFL 6.5. That should automatically reinstall and run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
Don't forget to run Keeping Slim 5.5 three or four times a week for about 20-30 minutes (Use the image minimizing routine). Then install and run Victoria's Secret 10.0 and I'll bet that Romance 9.5 will restart, automatically update to version 9.9 and perform flawlessly.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

:lol: uhmm..
Ques: What''s black and white, black and brown, and black and black?

Ans: A nun roasting on a spit!

nice jokes tania :lol: the baked beans!

1:Knock, Knock
2:Who''s there?

1:Cows go.

2:Cows go who?

1: No, silly! Cows go moo!