Refuge - A place for refugees, somewhere between a a deluge, for delugees, and refuse, for refusees
Best not to think about it - it'll ruin your day
Promised Land
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Refuge - A place for refugees, somewhere between a a deluge, for delugees, and refuse, for refusees
Best not to think about it - it'll ruin your day
Promised Land
Promised Land Mysterious place, sometimes known as "the sweet by and by" where all our sorrow and pain will be turned to joy. Unfortunately, we live in "the nasty now and now".
Depression A black day in a series of black days
Lethe
Lethe Ancient river whose water caused forgetfulness. Now bottled and sold as Absinthe, Tequila, etc...
Doornail
Doornail: A special kind of nail used when putting up boards to keep the zombies out. Designed to break away at dramatically appropriate moments.
Genitalia: Roman family tree
Odyssey
Odyssey Exploratory journey, such as trying to find happiness at the bottom of a glass
Shot Glass
Shot Glass- A small glass with an 'r' missing.
Death
Death Life's natural endgame, in which our "King", the actual breath of life, falls to The Grim Reaper's current stratagem
Taxes
Taxes - that which those who can least afford to, pay the most; and conversely those who can most afford to, pay the least
Originally installed because every money grubbing scam the government has come up with to steal our precious hard-earned, from traffic cams, to laser cams, from registration to license fees to compulsory third party to a whack at the bowser to stamp duty to council rates to parking meters - well it obviously just isn't enough to fund these dead-beat bureaucrats' extended holidays and - you think the cosa nostra are evil - they're nothing compared to our elected representatives
And instead of locking them up, we hand them gold passes and listen as they try to act intelligent and deflect criticism - and it's just the same tired game that's been going on since Ancient Greece
My solution? Don't vote - it only encourages them. One day we'll get the government we deserve
Tax Return
Tax Return A return by the government of a fraction of the amount of money forcibly removed from the taxpayers checks in the hope of making the taxpayer unaware of how much he or she has actually been snookered out of to pay for things like "The Advanced Study of Cow Flatulence"
Bill of Rights
Bill of Rights Document of the US Government which now has to be interpreted to fit specific events, in spite of its very simple statements.
Reopen To put the dice back into the cup for another throw
Invention
Invention - (n) something which the world had lived comfortably without for all its ages, until some smarty pants had arrived at a means to improve his bank balance by convincing everyone they never knew how they lived without it
Invention - (v) the secret offspring of the necessitous father and imaginative mother of itself, but which soon the world will know when it comes to need it to mow its lawns
Telegraph Wires
Telegraph Wires - Outdated technology worth more in monetary value than in usage.
Handcuff
Handcuff Painful procedure tantamount to Police Brutality, where in the "person of interest" is slammed into several walls, the ground, etc, has his/her arms twisted behind the back painfully, and has their rights read to him/her while he/she is too stunned to comprehend
Search Warrent
Search Warrant - piece of paper which under the fourth amendment can be issued by an authority as probable cause - well, thanks to that it makes it even easier for someone with grade school literacy skills to dupe an unwary illiterate out of their belongings
Good Cop: [holding a folded flyer for a special at the local air salon] 'We have a warrant to search your house for illicit things!'
Victim: 'Oh - in that case you'd better come in, I guess.'
Bad Cop: 'What's this? Looks like a stolen big screen plasmabox and surround sound system to me. Help me take this into the car would you?'
Victim: 'Funny - that doesn't look like a police car to me - in fact you don't look like police-'
Good cop: 'We're undercover - any more questions and we'll arrest you for assaulting us...'
Guilty Pleasures
Guilty Pleasures The terribly satisfying things one enjoys that one later regrets
Liquor
Liquor - from L'ichor, 'The blood of the Gods' and who would I be to disagree - it fortifies the spirit against sorrow, woe and loss; it makes a party where there is none to be had; it makes all men feel like brothers - but don't overdo it! That's all I can say - too much will result in the ducks and drakes, and give you nightmares from which there is no respite
see also 'Lost Weekend'
Lost Weekend
Lost Weekend Result of a rather long bottle party in which everything with the slightest alcoholic content has been consumed including the after shave and canned heat
Stoned
Stoned: A state of altered consciousness resulting from A) substance abuse or B) being pelted with rocks.
Circumstance: One's position on foreskin removal.
Composer
socks
(1) Perishable clothing item which disappears from your drawer after an average of three washes.
(2) Self-pleasuring accessory used to cover the male article in order to prevent soiling of the bedding upon climaxing.
beer
Composer One who assaults the ear using classical music
Beer The leading cause of obesity in the world
Lodge
Lodge - headquarters of a secretive organisation comprising professional lawn-mowers and tree-loppers, whom on the weekend transform into 'The Garden Masons' who drink a lot of home-brewed ale and compare true stories about the previous seven days. Note: only lawn-mowers and tree-loppers - no lumberjacks or landscapers who go by different names and meet in different premises; though the homebrew is much the same, the tales most definitely are not
Hedgehog
Hedgehog God's joking way of showing us that all pets are not cuddly
Platypus
Platypus - God's ultimate joke on Darwin for He knew the day would come - so here it is, by defying the evolutionary laws as they were being laid down: a furry mammal with a duck bill and feet, tail of an otter, that lays eggs, has poisonous barbs at the end of it's toenails, and last but by no means least - and get this - stuns it's prey with electricity like an electric ray!
Darwin ultimately conceded that it was either Friday in Heaven, or a side-project to occupy the Creator on a Wintry Sunday afternoon using up a few spare parts
(he awarded it one star for creative effort, but later retracted upon having to accept it is not necessarily the survival of the fittest, but rather the survival of anything that can survive)
Catacombs
Catacombs Places where human bones are kept in underground vaults. For some reason they are set up like labyrinths either to keep the spirits of the dead confused and wandering or to confuse the tourist and add to the collection...
Parsimonious
Parsimonious Able to grab money with both hands and thoroughly incapable of letting it go.
Moon
Moon That which supposedly works to drive people insane, thus causing them to drop their pants and expose their buttocks at other people, which I am given to understand constitutes an insult
Gesture
Gesture - action not meant to be taken seriously
'What's this?'
'It's a gratuity.'
'A?'
'You know, a tip - to show my appreciation.'
'Of what?'
'The service.'
'You weren't impressed?'
'No, I was very impressed - that's why I've supplied a tip.'
'Oh - what should I have done to earn a whole dollar?'
'I'm not sure - in the nude?'
'Listen why don't you take this 50 cents and stick it up-...'
Uranium
Uranium Small angry molecules that have a tendency to go boom at bad times and may one day destroy the earth as we know it
Extraterrestrial
Extraterrestrial - watch out for these gentlemen, they might not be so gentle as you think! Sporting vapouriser pistols and plasma guns, some of them shoot laser beams from their big buggy eyes, while others are all squirmy like gooey land octopuses with tentacles and are covered in poisonous exploding toady warts and razor sharp claws...
Gives me the chills just thinking about it.
Haunted House
Haunted House Sort of like The Blair Witch Project, a building where serious investigators such as SyFy's own Ghost Hunters manage to scare themselves silly while collecting evidence that at best is open to a lot of interpretation.
One thing that always amazes me is that people testify to seeing ghosts in broad daylight and yet investigators have to wait till dark and then turn off all lights except night vision...
Poltergeist
Poltergeist - extraordinarily noisy ghost (see My Landlord - or rather, avoid him!)
Should you encounter one, you may wish to invest in a pair of Creative EP-630's as the only effective measure of blocking the noise out, and though you will also block out noise from all sources, I've found mp3's encoded with subtle background ambience of tweety birds and ocean waves fill the bill.
Anyway, ghosts - there are a many sorts of ghosts, both loud and quiet, but a good rule of thumb is that, like dogs, a barking one never bites - unless it's a rottwieller or similar.
This poltergeist sort of ghost is not to to be confused with any other sort of ghost which is why it has its own special classification - a quiet, shy retiring ghost is, alas, just a ghost - but in being 'just a ghost' they can also prove their own veracity: I am of course referring to the tale The Hiding Ghost of Hallows Manor in which old Lord Hallows on his deathbed made a solemn vow that upon his passing he would return from the grave and hide from everyone...
And believe it or not - to this day he hasn't been seen
Bump In The Night
Bump In The Night: My dog, when I'm walking to the bathroom.
Boogeyman: A chronic nosepicker
Spirit
Spirit Get up and go, commonly referred to as "spunk" here in the Southern US and "grit" in the American West, thus the recent movie remake "True Grit"
Fable
Fable: A tale with a moral, told to children so that they may tell it to their children, but not usually acted upon.
Postmodern: Futuristic
Tupperware
Tupperware (noun): that annoying top layer of clothes you have to stop during sex to remove. As his mouth seized mine again, my hands reached in frustration for his tupperware
valley
valley The low point of life that lies between two highs
Flatline
Flatline: What happens the more things change.
Exsanguinate: To anger a normally easygoing person
Fireplace
Fireplace
Brick or stone container where the fires of love seem to burn brighter, and is lit even though your furnace gives off more heat
Dread To presuppose that the worst in life will certainly happen, even through it probably will not
frigid
Frigid (n.) - The shortened term for the computer chip in most modern refrigerators that does what it wants: the Fridge Id.
Scoop.
Scoop To be the first reporter to write about a recent scandal that is at best a rumor and at worse sheer libel
Illegal