a poem of a friend.
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a poem of a friend.
Spring Has Sprung
Spring has sprung like an old pocket watch whose
works have spilt upon a hardwood floor: Jewels
scurry in a twinkling; there! and there! Gears and
pinions of intricate complexity ( no ébauche utilized
here! ) dance like dreidels for a moment - only to es-
cape from sight; the escape-wheel curiously not so
4/3/2015
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
This is going very well, so let's set the deadline for Friday, April 10th. In the meantime, keep 'em coming!
It’s chilly in the morning. Welcome Spring
When April’s fresh-made flowers hint that soon
The trees will bud, but first a wondrous thing:
The shadow of our Earth will chill our Moon.
CHILDREN OF GOD
Exquisite feathers,
Together they soar,
Hovering the world,
Migrating in accord,
Seasons change,
Chase the light,
Spring is here,
Faith be north!!
springs
brings
tidings
of many things
warmth
and flowers
the rain powers
the breeze
and the trees
the wind
freeze
and everything is
in border
with a natural afforder
for a summer
to order
Double post. :)
Okay, it's award day! :) Despite some ill-advised backstage skulduggery, the entries ended up being really outstanding. Thanks to everyone who contributed.
Colb, I'm a sucker for internal rhyme, so I loved the way you used "feather" with "together," as well as the subtler slant rhymes given by "soar," "accord," and "north." My only advice would be to try to work in a higher vowel sound into a secondary rhyme ("ee" or "ay" or maybe "ing") as a kind of counter-point to the more somber "oh" sound that you use. It would give this really exultant poem a joyful sound to balance the seriousness that the sounds you use already bring to it. (Think of it as male and female voices, if that helps). But nice work. Really well done.
And Cacian, you do exactly what I'm advising Colb to do in your less subtle but very enthusiastic piece: using the lower "masculine" tones from "warmth" and "border;" but playing them against the higher "feminine" sounds from "breeze,"brings," tidings, etc. I also love it that your minimalism never sounds pompous. It's not:
Me
My life
Agony
All about
Me me me
Instead, your poem is like a basket of flowers, some brightly hued, some deeply colored. My only advice would be arrange these beautiful flowers a little more. Try using a somewhat alternating rhyme scheme rather than putting the same kind together in bunches. Variety is the spice of life, and your poetry is nothing if not spicy! :)
And Tailor, yours is a truly intricate work, like the metaphorical timepiece you describe. I loved the way you used words like "twinkling" and "intricate complexity" to suggest the sound of the gears and springs spilling onto the hardwood floor. This was, in fact, a very professional sounding poem. My only advice would be to develop the metaphor you have made into more of a theme. What happens in the fall? Do we find the fallen pieces of the watch brightly colored--but with rust? Does the inevitable fall of seasons and even youth give the springtime fall of the watch a tragic quality? Or is it merely a whimsical one? My advice would be to give this outstanding poem at least one more stanza. I'm sure you would do it proud.
And that means that the winner is...YesNo for his disarmingly effective Eclipsing the Moon in April. I hope I wasn't biased by the fact that I look on YesNo as a poetic mentor--his poetry being so much better than mine, and mine having improved so much in the brief time I have known him. His poem is a perfect example of what I was trying to express before. The ABAB rhyme scheme alternates higher and lower tones; the unrushed iambic pentameter draws the reader on in a conversationally paced but subtly musical way; as does the unforced alliteration of "fresh-made flowers." I love also that this piece was written not just about the early spring but also the eclipse that came with it: an event that brought a curious wonder to the change of seasons. That feeling of gentle curiosity was what I took from this wondrous little poem. Thanks YesNo, who will determine the next subject.
Congratulations YesNo !; and thank you Pompey Bum for your kind words. I will ponder your suggestion.
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
Thank you, Pompey Bum! Your description of masculine and feminine sounds makes sense. I also admire your poetry as well as the way you put together this critique. Since "sound" is now on my mind, that will be the theme for the next contest.
Subject: Sound
Deadline: About two weeks from now.
A glow came yellow and a trilling gold:
A sweetness sifting through the branches black;
I asked you did you hear--a silence fell
As gently as the light swelled on that place.
You told me there were things you'd never hear:
Songs taken with the damage and things done,
That flew away in silent feathered flight,
And whether dawn came, so came night.
I listened on in sorrow and afraid:
For you, for me, for where the garden lay.
I tried to hear it for you but I failed,
As soft light hardened into clearer day.
Nice poem Pompey!
Thank you, Lykren. That means a lot to me.
The Sound
tires turn, churn, crunch upon sandy asphalt
into a moderately populated parking lot: stop
doors spring open/close after hats and cameras
retrieved: three pad-pad-pad down the path
to the pedestrian bridge where step/clung-
step/clung becomes the song of a throng of
nature-loving devotees walking suspended
over railroad tracks to ultimately reach the
sandy flats and lap-lapped shore where geo-
ducks murmur hidden below knowing they're
within reach of giggling youth whose eager hands
scoop the raspy gravel in a race to obtain them
gulls cry and laugh as singles and pairs splish
through the shallow waters of Carkeek seeking
tidal treasures that may be discovered (but not
lightly taken, nor kept); ankle deep, knee deep,
waist deep - the cool water becomes a living or-
ganism: pulsing; a welcoming caress to one's spirit
a monstrous centipede, a train, wails in the distance
growing larger and larger, its wailing becoming bolder; the
rumble of wheel-works rolling on the tracks is heard; then
shortly passes away - the train dopplering out of view
out of the water, a walk through the brush - then a
wade through a canopied stream that whispers sweet
nothings as one proceeds knee deep in a solemn slog
down this withywindle to another footpath; leaving
behind a treasured shell; then trundle back into the car -
leaving the Sound behind: the memories of this day,
and the many happy days of youth past, vividly clear
4/18/2015
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
'dopplering' is a nice touch, Tailor.
The Sound
The sound of heart, beating
The rushing blood, streaming
The scratching needle, dropping
Silently in the agonizing
Body, in the veins flowing
Soothing pain, and killing
All sensation, and being.
Muscles relenting,
Body dropping
In silence.
Very nice entries! The deadline is now April 25th, next Saturday. There is still time to enter!
Pompey Bum thank you very much for the detailed feedback.
some very interesting ideas.
i never thought of masculine feminine in this way.
sound
a particle of light
is without
a doubt
hollow
so to resonate
follow
and to hear
is near
precise
to the ear
so we can
be here
nature
detects
geographic
connects
it is
perfect
to
experts
Time is up! Thank you for all the entries!
Pompey Bum: This is a very nice poem. The eighth line seemed to be missing a foot but it was not very noticeable and may have been on purpose. I liked the acknowledgement that there are some sounds that could not be heard, nor could one hear them for the other. I could sense the anxiety on that bridal morning and what one heard and the other didn't hear reflected that anxiety.
tailor STATELY: I seached for Carkeek which appears to be a park near Seattle. That was a nice description of the nature devotees. I particularly liked the idea of "tidal treasures that may be discovered (but not/lightly taken, nor kept)". One usually thinks taking and keeping treasures is easier than finding them.
North Star: It sounds like a pain killing or life-taking drug was administered and for the person receiving this the sounds dominated until the end. I liked how this started with various sounds and ended with the word "silence".
cacian: I enjoyed the first stanza in particular giving me the idea that sound allows us to "be here", an unexpected line. I also liked the unexpected idea about light being "hollow".
I think these all deserve to win. They aren't easy to get out of my mind.
What I am picking is the person to continue the contest, the winner among all the winners.
The winner is cacian.
Felicitations, Cacian! :)
YesNo thank you very much for the feedback.
and Pompey thank you so much :)
and the next topic is:
telephone
The apps that smarten up my phone
Might prove that I am not alone.
My wife knows everywhere I go
And checks in case. You never know.
The yoga class I’ve scheduled there
And photos of stuff everywhere
Are organized though I am not
Aware of all that I have got.
That star? I’ll check. It’s Venus. See?
A text comes in. I let it be.
Occasionally people call,
But hardly anyone at all.
anyone wishes to enter the contest?
Yes, cacian, but I am still working on mine. When is the deadline?
two weeks and thank you for replying :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Pompey Bum
Still marrying thoughts and words... thank you for the deadline (And belated congratulations ! :) )
Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY
tailor thank you and no problems :)Quote:
Originally Posted by tailor STATELY
I'll call back in a few days.Quote:
Originally Posted by cacian
hi Peter look forward to that :)Quote:
Originally Posted by PeterL
Peter and tailor (and Cacian), try the Form Poetry contest, too! A new one just started today. :)
Pompey thanks for letting us know will do :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Pompey Bum
Amazing! talking with one not present.
Mobile or fixed the connections can be.
Ethereal crackles or buzzes are not as
Common as they were in times well passed.
Hell yes! Now they drop the call completely
Elegant in concept; poor in execution.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Ameche
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WDyKO7GQ70
Amid my scattered thoughts
And cold rationality
A yearning is
Killing me ... filling me.
What does it all mean?
What am I doing?
My loneliness is
Killing me ... filling me.
The inner child in me
Craves security.
This dread is
Killing me ... filling me.
My fears incessantly ring
So I pick up the telephone.
There is nothing but dial tone.
these are nice entries keep them coming :)
Cacian, don't wait for me, okay? Mine ended up being too personal for me to feel comfortable about posting. Good luck to everyone else! :)
iPhone Learning Curve
You know, it might be easier
to learn the saxophone,
the sousaphone and xylophone
than iClouds and iPhones
Now, francophones and anglophones
i can learn to understand
but it might take a megaphone
to get iPhones 'round my head
and the results are as follow
YesNo
My wife knows everywhere I go
And checks in case. You never know.
a fun piece i especially enjoyed the above two lines haha :D
PeterL
a very well rhymed piece enjoyable and light
i especially enjoyed the last two lines
Hell yes! Now they drop the call completely
Elegant in concept; poor in execution.
they made me laugh in a nice way ;)
Joe
a clever title
an earnest honest piece anxious in places
but i liked the last stanza
My fears incessantly ring
So I pick up the telephone.
There is nothing but dial tone.
it made for a nice closure to the piece
Melanie
and what a piece full of sound
a real buzz feel to it
humour as well as rhyme throughout
my favourite lines:
but it might take a megaphone
to get iPhones 'round my head
and the winner is
PeterL
congratulations !!!
I am honored and flattered beyond expression.Quote:
Originally Posted by cacian
I will need a little while to think of a subject, but I will post that before the Sun sinks into the Pacific Ocean, as seen from Half Moon Bay.
The next subject will be differentiating subjectivity and objectivity. That’s a good neo-classical subject, and I think it lends itself to plenty of metaphors. You didn’t even have to wait for sunset over Half Moon Bay.
It appears that the normal length of a contest is two weeks, so let that be, and the deadline for the contest will be May 27 at Noon.
hi Peter and you are very welcome i really enjoyed reading your piece it was perfect :)
i am not clear however on what the subject is
are you able to explain further or demonstrate in a line or two?
that would be very helpful :)
To further explain:
subjective
adjective
1. existing in the mind; belonging to the thinking subject rather than to the object of thought (opposed to objective ).
objective
adjective
5. not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations, or prejudice; based on facts; unbiased:
an objective opinion.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/objective?s=ts
Facts are objective, while opinions are subjective. There are valid reasons for thinking that there is no difference between objective and subjective. Something is objective, if it is outside the person and personal opinion.
What I think is one thing, but I know other
Things. I think I feel joy, but joy is my own
Unshared, quite unknown by any other.
Emotions are felt, while facts are known.
I could go on about the memory of pleasure, but that's a little more.