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A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.
I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18 year
old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 43 year old ***?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
:lol:
where do you get these awful jokes? :lol:
A long anekdote about women:
Once King Arthur was captured by his enemy who told him that he would kill him unless he funds the answer to the question what women want most of all. The evil king gave Arthur a year to find the answer. Arthur was trying to find the answer, but the search was fruitless.
Finally in the end of the year he found an old ugly witch who told him that she would tell him the answer if Lancelot will marry her. Lancelot was of course a noble fellow, so he decided to save his friend. The answer was that women want most of all to decide themselves how to live and choose their own destiny.
So there is a wedding of Lancelot and the witch. Then they go to the bedroom and she transforms into a beautiful young maiden. She tells Lancelot that he has a choice: either she will be ugly during the day and gorgeous at nights or other way around. Lancelot thought for a while and said- decide by yourself. She was so happy that she had decided to stay beautiful all the time.
MORAL- It doesn't matter if the woman is old or young, ugly or beautiful- underneath she is still a witch
that's in the canterbury tales!
i love these.
Japanese computer haiku
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
The web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
This site uses frames
And yet your browser does not.
One of these will change.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User.
8) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
You like that Riesa? Here's another:Quote:
Originally Posted by Riesa
Quote:
Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
After my last antiwomen joke here is antimen:
In the Paradise God is talking to Adam and Eve:
God: I have two gifts for you, but you will have to choose who gets what. The first gift- you well pee upright.
Adam: I want it. Me, me, choose me.
God: Ok
Eve: What is the second gift?
God: Brains, Eve, brains
hahahahahahahah Good one there Boris. Do you have any anti postmen jokes?
Please.............
The only postman joke I know is an old one:
Why are postmen always angry?
Because they get the sack every morning
I don't know a really good one but here is one postmen:
Night, rain, there is a huge storm on the sea. Boat with the postman is sailing to the lighthouse. It reaches the lighthouse and the postman angrily gives the package to the watcher of the beacon: "Here take it"
Watchman: "if you aren't polite, I'll subscribe for the daily newspaper"
No, Eva. I found it, and thought it would make people go crakers! It's a joke you'd think would be not nice which turns out to have fooled everyone!Quote:
Originally Posted by smilingtearz
I know exactly how this feels with my lawn mower.
Quote:
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on
a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a
lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?"
asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,"
said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked "Will
you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after
riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've
got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He
pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the
mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,
"I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it
to get it started."
The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's
been so long since I've been saved that I don't even
remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just
keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
The Blonde Hanywoman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Answer: To get to the bottom!