that's a cool one! @jay
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that's a cool one! @jay
Here's one:
Quote:
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and
we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud
of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a
moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You
know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and
even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and
they WALKED every where they went!"
:lol:!!!!!!!!!!!
:nod: .......... :p :D :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay
Knowing the owners are out of town, a thief has broken into a house in the middle of the night and is busy gathering up valuables when he suddenly hears a voice saying:
"Jesus is watching you!"
He looks around but can't see anyone in the dark, so he keeps searching when he again hears the voice:
"Jesus is watching you!"
The thief is annoyed; he knows no one is home. So he answers:
"Who's there?"
"I'm Moses", the voice replies.
OK, this is getting freaky. He gets out his flashlight and shines it around the room until it lands on a parrot in a cage just as the parrot once again says:
"Jesus is watching you!"
The thief laughs his head off. "What kind of idiot names a parrot 'Moses'?"
The parrot replies: "The same idiot who'd name a 150-pound rottweiler 'Jesus'."
k i have this joke that i found funny:
there was a guy who went to a mental hospital and walked into a room where every one was jumping up and down, he saw one sensible man sitting down and asked him: " why are these men jumping around like this" he answered: " they are pretending to be pop corn in a saucepan when they pop" so the man asked: " so why r u sitting down?" he answered: " i got stuck at the bottom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i dont no if ur gonna find it funny but i cracked up!!!!!!1
yeah myself that was funny :lol:
here's one..
Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
Good one Eva. Here's another:
Quote:
On a city street a cab driver stopped to pick up a nun, and when she
got settled in he told her, "I hope you won't mind my telling you
something personal." "No," she replied, "what have you to say?".
"Well," he said, "I have always wanted to kiss a nun and I was
wondering if you did not think that that was too weird." "My good
man," the nun replied, "that is foolishness, and besides you would
have to be unmarried and a Catholic to even consider such a thing."
"As luck would have it," he said, "I am Catholic and single." "Oh
all right," the nun said, just one kiss for the good of your soul."
Whereupon they exchanged a deep throat smooch, at the end of
which the cab driver said, "I have a confession to make sister. I am
married and I am not a Catholic." "
That's ok," said the nun, "I'm Jewish, my name is Kevin, and I'm on
my way to a Halloween party."
heheha! nasty..
Here's one I like:
Chili Cook offs
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
i have this joke i read on the net:
on a sunday morning, the church was full of people. then all of a sudden satan appears.everyone yells and shouts and runs out of the church. at the end it was empty except for one man. satan asked him:" aren't u scared of me?" "no" said the man "Y" asked satan, " bacause i got married to ur sister"
:lol:
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."
An 85 year old widow went on a blind date with a 94 year old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house
later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead "
Well, this is an Estonian joke, but a good one.
Kaali is a meteorite crater in Estonia, fell about 4000 years ago. There is a schoolhouse nearby.
Meri is an ex-president of Estonia.
Rüütel is the current president of Estonia and Reps is a minister.
Meri, Rüütel and Reps stand at the edge of the beforementioned crater.
Meri looks at it and mutters something like: "Here this meteorite fell. Maybe our ancestors saw it."
Rüütel wants to look smart too and says: "And look how exactly it fell into this crater!"
Reps adds: "And how good that it didn't knock down the schoolhouse!"