Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

I Ching: An ancient Chinese divination text providing interpretations for seemingly random patterns made with yarrow sticks.

Ancient:

Ancient: Anyone over 65 until about 9am. Anyone over 75 until about 11. Anyone over 85.



Biology

Biology: That thing which leads us inexorably to being ancient.

Proctology:

Proctology: A field of medicine that’s useful to know about should you ever get into that yoga position where you stick your head up your butt.

Witless:

Witless: A condition that can only be described as having one's head up one's butt.

Condition:

Condition: What one has if one’s head gets stuck in places it doesn’t belong. If that should happen, don’t forget the photo.

Stuck:

Stuck: 1) Unable to move, i.e., I got stuck in traffic. 2) Hampered by i.e., I am stuck in this job. 3) The opposite of humble, usually used with the word "up", i.e., Trump is a stuck up embarrassment of a politician.

Embarrassment

Embarrassment: The word that best describes the field of candidates currently running for president. Indeed, that Americans tolerate this farcical election and, indeed, intend to still vote on Election Day--instead of, oh, let's say, completing the work that Guy Fawkes, in being apprehended, was prevented from carrying out--is a major embarrassment.

Fireworks:

Fireworks: A Chinese invention that has come to mark Fourth of July celebrations even though a) The US did not fight for independence against China or with China's help, and B) Fireworks are illegal in many states including my home state of Virginia, despite the fact that four out of the first five Presidents was from Virginia...

Invention:

Invention: A way of doing something or a new product that represents something new introduced by someone with the intention to make or do something new.

Farcical:

Farcical: Ludicrous, absurd. Anything whose veracity can be compared to my Aunt Fanny.

Pendragon, the fireworks on the Fourth are meant to emulate and hearken back to the "rocket's red glare," the cannon fire and explosions of the battles of our Revolution. Although, Chinese food is an option during said celebrations.

Suppository:

Cheddar: I am well aware of that...

Suppository: Medicine that coined the phrase "Stick it up your @$&!"

Coined:

Coined: A phrase or word that gets said and then re-said because we are such herding and imitative creatures who like to say and re-say stuff and in that manner turn thoughts into something as solid as we hope a coin might be.

In flagrante delicto:

In flagrante delicto? We did this one, mate, and in fact I wrote the definition, a reply so witty on my part, so immeasurably jocular, that The Sun dedicated placed an extra busty girl on Page 3 the next day in tribute. And I accepted with both hands.

Virago:

Virago: A woman who in Shakespeare's time would be termed a shrew, today we use a word that rhymes with "rich"

Oafish: