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re: high rise, I fell off the tracks; belated thanks.
Hawk, good catch. Counting on a comment and help from you always.
Dieter, hmmmm let’s see… unstuck is like undead, a made up word but feels right. I wouldn’t mind you getting stuck in here and offer comments : )
a beach in Maui
black sand happens
when ejected lava
melts like dirty hot syrup
hardens on its way down
then plunges into water
it sticks everywhere
we trace on glossy dark sweat
make full body tattoos on a whim
shower off when we want
no lifelong commitment
Hi Haunt. The second stanza is much stronger than the first. The description of the advent of black sand is actually irrelevant to the meat of the piece and it does not read well. I'd discard all but the first two words of it, which I'd use to open the second stanza. You'd then have a crisp coherent whole which conveys it's pithy sentiment of observational comment coupled with that touch of bitterness and regret.
A much purer distillation of Haunted verse!
Live and be well - H
Hawk, love your version! I am currently reading spacetime and quantum mechanics, my mind is on matter, that was how the first part came about. Some commitment issues but mostly carefree. Thanks for the critique as always, invaluable!
a beach in Maui
black sand sticks everywhere
we trace on glossy dark sweat
make full body tattoos on a whim
shower off when we want
no lifelong commitment
Haunted you are becoming Prince like in your brevity. Your posts are always a must read. That's a,lot said in five short lines. Screwdriver *
Jerry so glad you are here *clang*
Just found this. It's really good, compact but wide, full of hints and nuances. I want more - but that would spoil it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
prendrelemick I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting!
Good to see you posting on the NitLet agan, Haunted
Hi Auntie long time no see. Enjoyed your new iteration of NitLet. See you around!
remembering Kilauea
you open up
like a mountain would
you want me to let you in
the way you have
I’m on the verge
the earth’s paunch churn
the lava lake swells
water closer closer closer
can’t
I’m afraid
Hi Haunted,
I seem to have missed this. Must've been posted during my apostasy.
I can't help thinking that there's a typo in l6. Shouldn't that be "churns?" It doesn't quite make sense the way it is.
Apart from that, the poem is evocative. It puts you in the moment, that seductive few seconds of fear and wonder, the 'imp of the perverse' that tempts the will to oblivion. But at the same time, there are the polar opposites of fire and water, the lava lake conjurs the image of seething liquid red hot rock, but where does the water come from? It draws nearer. Is the narrator running from the fire, the consuming red heat of the mountain, closer to the sea which threatens to consume her if she jumps? Is the fiery mountain the red devil and the water, the deep blue sea? The narrator is trapped, and robbed of volition.
Interesting. You have earth, fire and water, all of which smother, suffocate. There is no air...
The narrator is robbed of the freedom to breathe.
Nice one, Spooky.
Come on home Haunted x
This place needs you x