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cannibal - pidgin Franglish (South Sea Islands) derived from 'cannonball' a favoured method of tenderising human flesh before bicapitation, skinning and boiling alive (served with yams and coconut cream, it apparently tastes like chicken, and the bones are good for toothpicks and piercing noses)
pornography
Pornography Despite being the most popular form of entertainment available on the Web, pornography is so notoriously difficult to define that many resort to a kind of meta-definition most famously expressed as follows:
I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it...
Justice Potter Stewart, concurring opinion in Jacobellis v. Ohio 378 U.S. 184 (1964)
Those of us less confident than Justice Stewart in our ability to recognise pornography when we see it should probably resolve to keep practising until we get it right.
Erotica
Erotica - Infamous third symphony of Ludwik van Beathogen R.I.P. featuring breakthrough rhythmic changes, introduction of the timpani for use as percussion, and an exotic new instrument resembling the kazoo in both sonic quality and performance options
The original intention of dedicating it to the mistress of (briefly) French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, Josephine, was abruptly altered upon discovering the portrait he'd fallen in love with belonged not to her but her maidservant, while Josephine herself he diarised as owning 'a pair of legs you could hang the washing on, hair of golden spaghetti, eyes like two pissholes in the snow, and a complexion as bright and pure as the surface of the moon' - so the maidservant it was!
licorice allsorts
licorice allsorts One of the many reasons that the world as a whole consists of overweight people
Diet
diet - what to do with a favorite piece of clothing which unfortunately was originally white but accidentally got mixed with a pair of non-fast red cotton socks
socks
Socks - things you can have in abundance but never find as a matching pair and in good condition. They tend to vanish and become holy. It is recommended that one buy at least 100 of them monthly, and all of them exactly the same so that by month's end one might find two good ones. They are known to cause embarrassment whenever one visits anywhere shoes are meant to be removed.
Also see: odor and dirt traps
Odor
odor - odd (or) dour airborne essence, the nasal equivalent of blowflies in your kitchen, a high pitched whine, prickles in your socks, the taste of earwax (from memory), and a cold shower in Winter
Not quite a stench, nor a rank reek, just a lowly pong, though it may evolve into something quite evil if left without investigation to its source
bumblebee
bumblebee - a rather endearing insect, which manages to give the impression that if it were a person it'd be the kindly bespectacled proprietor of an old-fashioned sweet shop.
Unfortunately, the bumblebee is often cited by misinformed, muddle-headed loudmouths as some kind of indication of the flawed precepts of science. "According to scientists, a bumble shouldn't be able to fly! They don't know how it works! Amazing, isn't it! They can put a man on the moon but..." And blahblahblah.
Incidentally, scientists do know how a bumblebee can fly. They are baffled, however, as to how people like that avoid being beaten to death by roaming mobs of miltant rationalists wielding lead pipes.
earwig
earwig - 'ere we go again - a merkin for the lugs! What else could it possibly be besides a tiny carnivorous humanbrain muncher with scissorsharp pincers protruding from its arse! God may have designed and manufactured all the other 'sects but this one is the work of Beelzebub Inc and an army of behorned minions! It is rumoured to lay eggs inside the human skull which upon doing the hatch the young thence consume all known neurons for nourishment - well, rumour no more! It happened to me and a few friends a while back. I'm not saying it was a totally bad experience - just 'different' - not something I'd recommend necessarily, but, well, whatcha gonna do?
Forums
Forum - a pleasent, if virtual space lined with a great number of soapboxes, which the incoherent multitudes are permitted to stand upon and bellow loudly in the safe knowledge that no one is listening.
Kettle
kettle - ma and pa oompah band, featuring Tom Kettle on Kettle drums and Beryl Kettle paying the fresh Kettlefish - tragically the one 1/2 hit wonder band from Birmingham U.K. came to sudden end in an horrific Greyhound Bus (okay 'coach') incident involving the luggage doors and a (non-ironically) unplugged kettle - I would go into details but that is an altogether different kettle of fish
Quasar
quasar- some kind of word used in Star Trek or somewhere that few know the meaning of, but many will pretend to know, much like 'black hole' or 'fusion'
Death
Death - not, as some would have it, the only known cure for the disease that is Life, but rather the beginning of new life (this is of course dependent on the nature of the demise - blasted into component atoms at ground zero will eventually see them reabsorbed into other life forms, while being pickled in vinegar and kept in a large specimen jar near the event horizon probably won't)
Life
Life - all things known, and other things perhaps. A very confusing state which we find ourselves stuck in, unaware of alternatives.
Friendship
Friendship - HMS Lollypop, a good ship indeed, though in a bit of need - sister ship to the HMS Loveboat, which is in turn the sister ship to the Starship Enterprise in an alternate universe
Three concurrent entwined stories per episode, Captain (Baldy)Stubing/(Baldy)Picard setting Gopher/Number One straight on a few life-matters, and getting the remaining crewmembers lovelives straightened out ('Just don't fraternise with the passengers')
In one episode (Ships Full Of) the three ships meet in a wormhole with zany and quite hysterical consequences
Boiling Point
Boiling Point The moment when your mother finally gets tired of the same old story and precedes to grill you about what really happened
Prison
Prison - The place where you get intrigue by the same sex...
Hunger
Hunger - For some, a real concern; for others, something akin to boredom.
Curiosity
curiosity - one time out of ten a longterm catnap, the other nine times something to get whetted
tiger
tiger Large striped cat. Also one whose virility is somewhat akin to the striped one's abilities
short
short - in horseracing the opposite to a furlong i.e. not furlong
'How soon until I find out if my horse won by a nose?'
'Not furlong.'
The above example, to the astute amongst us, makes no sense: welcome to the Sport of Kings - so called because only a king can be guaranteeed to win a king's ransom to afford to wage an unopular war, build an unpopular palace etc and not be bothered about losing the next election
It's no wonder the Romans got rid of their kings
In the vernacular it is a mug's game, and what precisely is a mug? A M.U.G. is a Mathematically Uneducated Gambler (remember this - it cost me money) whom, blinded by the cyclopaedia of statistics before his eyes, will attempt to make a calculated judgement based upon number of races won, weight, handicap, age, sex, and whether the jockey (himself usually a furlong short of a height - it assists the illusion) is married, has kids, owns his own house/horse, the kind of car he drives etc
Going by this wealth of information a mug punter will deposit an entire wage on the mere hope that it will buy him a position of king, which it of course won't, thus perpetuating some strange cycle in which no prophecy is fulfilled
laser beam
laser beam The High Beam headlights shined in your eyes by an inconsiderate driver on a dark and stormy night
fool
Fool ~ An illiterate little punk that says "Fooo!!! Foooo!!!"
Candy!!!
Candy- Girl I met once.
Breath
Breath - an expanse, wider than it is deep, and also something to sing about, see niffle
Hairy Hippy
Hairy Hippy - the embryonic stage, assuming it survives, of the raging conservative defender of tomorrow's Establishment. This has lead scientists to hypothesise a connection between hair loss and, say, an attraction to Church Fetes and Conservative clubs, but as yet no proof has been found.
Lemon
lemon - cowardly lime, one that has graduated from its green days, and adopted the colouring of the fraidy cat, whom having already been bitter about its early lot has settled on being sour for the remainder
teasmaid
teasmaid To taunt the lady who does your laundry
Lawyer
lawyer - someone versed in loopholes. The common variety of criminal lawyer possesses an appropriate adjective, and will get you off a charge of murder unless his personal reputation is at stake - and a good one, though rare, everyone else seems to know
judge
Judge - A much despised person who deserves the scorn he delivers in office, and then goes home to be human.
Panic
Panic The point at which you realize that the prosecuting attorney is in fact the Judge's son, and regardless of your guilt your goose is totally cooked
defense
defense - not the place to sit after hearing all the evidence against you - too bad if you committed the offense in your sleep or under the Devil's influence
Exhibit B
Exhibit B The second in line of odd and unusual evidence provided by either lawyer in a court case that is supposed to be relevant to the matter at hand but is really there to confuse the Jury under the assumption that confused people make errors in judgment which the lawyer presenting the evidence prays falls on his side
Arrest
ARREST - Something that is made to be bad but is actually good because it is...FREEDOM!!!
Monday!!!
Monday- Once a feared but compulsory holiday, Monday (short for Monarch Day) is celebrated weekly in modern times. It is still dreaded and feared by all. Employed hate it because they must return to dreadful work and the unemployed hate it because it reminds them that they have no job to dread.
Grasshopper
grasshopper - not much to fear alone, but upon assembling for the Grasshopper Annual Feast they have stomachs a thousand times larger than their bug-eyes and will merrily eat everything not nailed down
In many African villages they are regarded as Gods of Abundance in both number and protein. Dipped in honey they are disproportionately more nutritious and appetising than any equivalent amount of failed crops
bibliography
bibliography The great number of falsehoods you tell as to where you got the information you quote in your term paper, Master's Thesis, or Doctorate Thesis
autobiography
autobiography - a collection of tall tales, fibs, squibs, and white lies tacked together by the 'hero' to make him appear so - the sort of book written solely for one's personal amusement to correct a few inconsistencies, apologise after the facts, convince themselves the situation was always under their control and owed nothing to chance
Beware the autobog composed by successful businessmen, as much those scrawled on paper napkins by raconteurs, those only to be published immedately after the author's death (the longer the wait the better), and especially the never-should-be-published corrective fiction of ex-politicians
Considering how popular the genre has become amongst the self-important self-authoritative self-indulgent, it's surprising that anyone still reads, believes and cites them
navel gazing
navel gazing A supposed relaxation position in which one is to contemplate Nirvana, but actually to disguise the fact that one is so bored they are dozing in the lotus position
Hobo
hobo - jolly chap, lives on trains, half philosopher, half adventurer, some are very wealthy (inheritance), generally indisposed to working for the man thus has chosen to instead live on the rails and see America - or at least that part of America the tracks take him to
zebu