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This has got to be one of your best poems - and also, of course, one of your most morbid. I hate the ending but exactly in the way you mean me to hate it.
You need to make the switch from past to present more gracefully than you do here, before the final stanza.
wow what an anethesist! I like the description of the hospital gowns but I have to say, I got the impression that where you were going, you weren't coming back as if you were kissing the hand of a merciful God...
Loved it - haunting and nightmarish, yet also reassuring.
The way we always surrender meekly to people in white coats whenever we need their mercies.
I can't say more - you really created a gem here
H
For a momment there, I thought I was going under.... You tease - you -...
xo
Thanks Prince, Delta, Hill and Mary!
Prince, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?
Delta, you're right 100% ; )
An l-word from Hill, can't ask for more.
Mary, always enjoy reading your comments!
You could narrate it in the present tense all the way through. Why not? But if you have objections to that, any of the following are places where a switch from past to present would be less obtrusive:Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
walking out I wonder...
The switch would work here because of the shift from simply carrying out an action, to the self-consciousness of the line that immediately follows.
Or you could do it here:
I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter
where the anxiety of being uninsured comes to the surface, in which case "he said it don't matter" should become he says it doesn't matter and off you go for the rest of the poem
I'll go with "wonder", that's what it was originally but because I seldom write in past tense I thought everything should be past tense before the last stanza. Thanks Prince!
I agree, Haunted, one of your best. The intimacy is harrowing.
Fire, thanks for your kind words!
Wow haunted! It's overwhelming. Sensitive, close, distant, sad, impossible... and an exquisite poem indeed. Best of all for the new year, Bar
Bar, I appreciated that! You too, best wishes for a wonderful new year.
Adam’s apple pie
you smell delish
would it be too forward
if I finger taste you
it’s not Old Spice you need
it’s me
with a single head toss
I could drop enough star dust
to spice up your world
in return I’d like a satiable
piece of the pie
and I meant your net worth
you can find me on Facebook
my name is Cinnamon
A delightful poem! haunted. Delicious pie! sweet idea, smiling writing! :smile5:
best from Bar!
What a tease, this Cinnamon character! A very loaded poem it seems to me. I couldn't help thinking a tad bit biblical (probably incorrectly so), while at the end recognizing this fully contemporary material girl.
Great poem, Haunted!
Hey, Cinnamon, what a spicey young woman you are - and how delightful is your voice!