Auntie's Fairly Flailing Tales #2--"The Lyin' King"

Hi Auntie,
I'm not ignoring this, just taking my time enjoying it. I'm about halfway through so far. Don't know when I've read something so bursting with energy.
Reading it is leaving me breathless.

Thank you, DATo and 108 Fountains, for taking the time to read and comment on this lengthy piece.

I've been doing 2-3 chapters a day except on weekends. Have three chapters to go. The strongest overall impression I have is the amount of energy in the piece and secondly I would say is the unique style, both of which make it enjoyable reading. I'll need a few more days to put more thoughtful comments together.

Auntie,

As I mentioned earlier, what struck me most strongly is the incredible energy of the writing in this story. I was left breathless at the end of each chapter. The non-stop humor, the convoluted, rollicking plot, the wild vernacular of the speakers, the ever-present allusions (the footnotes were much appreciated; I caught many other allusions that were not footnoted and probably missed many more), and the sheer zaniness of the characters and their situations all combined for an entertaining, farcical, fun-filled read.

Reading the story was in many ways like watching a Marx Brothers movie or the Three Stooges. At other times it was like watching a cartoon. The characterization of the story as one of Auntie's Fairly Flailing Tales and the title “Lyin’ King put me in the frame of mind to expect something along the lines of old Fractured Fairy Tales of the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, which I always enjoyed, and the story lived up to that expectation.

Writing humor that works is, I think, really difficult, and the humor here works, but rather than fill up this space with laudatory comments, I imagine you would probably appreciate some constructive criticism, so here are a couple of suggestions:

My main criticism, and my only real criticism, is that I think the story goes on too long. The problem with most comedy movies that I’ve seen is that they need to fill up 90 minutes or more. Even the best Marx Brothers movies tend to languish toward the middle. The more modern comedies, with Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Jim Carrey, and Adam Sandler, share the same problem of having to deal with a plot rather than focusing entirely on the humor. The 1987 Ishtar is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen - for the first 30 minutes, and then it just flounders. I think Laurel and Hardy, W.C. Fields, and the Three Stooges made their “shorts” for a reason - it’s hard to keep ‘em laughing very long.

In the case of “The Lyin’ King,” it does not languish or lag anywhere; the energy and the humor continue straight through, but it just seems to go on a little too long, which may be why the earlier chapters received many more comments from readers than did the later chapters. You could probably make revisions to take out some material, although I’d be at a loss to suggest what. It appeared that you were posting each chapter as it was written, so I suspect that if you went back and looked at it again as a whole, you’d find areas to cut.

The only other criticisms I can offer are really more a matter of taste, and every author and reader has his/her own tastes, so I won't pretend mine are any better than anyone else’s. One example is that because the characters were all sort of cartoonish characters, I was not able to identify or sympathize closely with the main character or any of the other characters. But I don’t believe that it was your intention to develop strong or complex characters here; it would not have been in keeping with the purpose of the piece, which was humor. (Although I will admit that I began to sympathize with Tom at the end when he was reunited with Gretchen. If you were to do a re-write, I would suggest emphasizing the character of Gretchen more and her relationship with Tom more at the beginning, since it becomes such an important piece at the end.)

I did catch the allusion to the old song, Corrina, Corrina, and enjoyed that part, especially the phrase “from across the sea” (which is not in the Bob Dylan version of the lyrics). But I have to say, the last verse embroidered into the old tapestry totally confused me:

For the kind queen, the choice would be
Corrina, from across the sea,
With this man, of mind and body sound,
your new and truthful king was found.

I thought you were talking about the queen, er… the Royal Consort Geduld in the first line ("the kind queen"). I know that you made a point throughout the story of not referring to her as the Queen, and now I know why. But even then, I was confused at first reading. However, I think you could easily clear up the confusion with a bit of rearranging and a couple of small word changes to that last verse as follows:

With this man, of mind and body sound,
your new and truthful king was found
And for his queen, the choice would be
Corrina, Corrina from across the sea.


I also felt like you missed an opportunity for satire with the character of the King - where else have I seen a national leader who sometimes stumbled over his words and who brought his country into an ill-planned war for dubious reasons? I tried, but was unable to find other parallels between the King and the real life persona, so again, I think that was not your purpose. (Although it’s possible that, because I missed some allusions, there may have been some satire that I also just missed.)

The sort of modern, urban dialect of many of the characters was incongruous to the fantastical, medieval setting, but that, I’m sure, was intentional as part of the humor. The only danger is that it might be overdone, but again, for purposes of humor, it’s the overdoing that makes it funny. (I’m working on a story of my own where the main character has a humorous, heavy North Carolina/Tennessee accent, and I’m concerned that you and Calidore will think that it is overdone.)

I could go on and on picking out things that I enjoyed, as well as things that I thought could be improved, but then my comments might be longer than the story itself! I’m looking forward to the next installment of Auntie's Fairly Flailing Tales.