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It's nap time for you kindergarten students.Quote:
Originally Posted by Zachisgnarly
A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"
Now that's funny.
I dunno, are they wearing green?Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
I dont get it :confused: or if I do get it and it is what I think it is it isnt funny!Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
A friend just e-mailed me this:
CORPORATE ZODIAC
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out.
CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Independent-minded, and unique of wit. You are a loser. Goddamn mercenaries like you who can't hold a steady job shouldn't be allowed to roam the earth. Everyone laughs at you behind your back.
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your work place. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization. Combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "MiddleManagers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
No, what?Quote:
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."
s10cr
I'm not good at jokes. But I've some on my PC.
1.Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
2.My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
3.God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
4.Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
5.ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
6.Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
7.probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't you get down from a goose.
Note: Yes, I know this is a stupid joke. I heard it when I was a kid and never understood it (I'd say a good 10 years) until I was walking down the bedding aisle and I saw a goose down pillow and it was like a light bulb went off.
Okay, you asked for it:Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
How does an elephant prepare for a long trip?
He packs his trunk.
(Tee-hee.)
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
No punch line?Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
The Chipmunks were wearing green shirts.
*edit*Darn! You beat me to it!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Papayahed
:D
You have a thing for green clothes, but is it funny? NOT!Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
I think it's funny :D
I saw the punch line!
anyway green is a good color but since msost of my clothes arer green does this make me funny??
Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.
No. Green is not inherently funny despite Papayahed's fixation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightshade
Kill me now. (Before I read another "joke.")Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay
Green IS funny but only when used to get under Starr's skin.Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn't understand.
Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!
:angel:
Humor from the land of cow tippers, where people sneak up on cows at night, tip them over and laugh like it was the funniest thing since "American Pie."Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
Now that wasn't very nice.
If green's funny, then I must be the most hysterical guy on the face of the planet.
<-----
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Never saw it.Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny......
*Starrwriter removes sumarai sword from wall, presses blade point against chest, and falls on it. Hara-kiri preferable to forum jokes.*Quote:
Originally Posted by baddad
You thought THAT was bad? Try this one on for size:
Two computer geeks are trying out the hot-air balloon at the Carny when it breaks free of the restraining ropes, sending them off into the wind. After a couple of days, they have absolutely no idea where they are when the see a tall building with a person on top of it. They shout down to the person, "WHERE ARE WE??" The person shouts back, "YOU ARE HERE!!!" One computer geek turns to the other and says, "We're in Seattle. That's Microsoft HQ."
:confused:
You know these jokes are begining to sound like the kind my sister says before we all run away screaming last birthday I think she ended up with3 joke books in the end.
Q:Why did the dinosour cross the road?
A: Becaue the chicken wasnt around yet.
That's a respectable joke. It has subtle humor and a put-down of Bill Gates. Everyone loves to hate Gates. He probably cries about it all the way to the bank.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
:goof: huh? Out of all that comedy genius, that's the joke you like?????
I had to think about that joke for a few minutes..
my fave so far is "I am the ninth letter..." it just tickled me.
Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."
(She's a genius -- and modest, too.)Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
I told you I have a weird sense of humor.
My point exactly: subtle.Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
You mean like a proton? Or a positron?Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
Never mind.
Maybe Starr is wearing a green shirt too after all!Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
:p
I have to share this joke, if only because without a doubt it's the worst joke ever. I read it today in the Daily Record - a national newspaper here in Scotland:
A bank clerk by the name of Patti Wack is behind the counter one morning when a frog hops in. It comes to the desk and says "I'd like to apply for a £20,000 loan please." Patti looks a bit shocked and then says, "Certainly, could I take a few details first - what's your name?"
"Kermit Jagger," replies the frog. "I'm Mike Jagger's son."
"And what will you be putting down as collateral?" asks Patti.
In reply the frog produces a tiny pink porcelin elephant. "This is my collateral," it says.
Patti is even more confused and calls for the manager and explains the situation. "I just don't understand it," she says.
In reply the bank manager says:
"It's a nick-nack Patti Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
I'm really sorry, but I felt compelled to share it - misery loves company.
Putin visits a school in Russia.
He makes his speech and in the end he asks if anyone has any questions?
Vova stands up and asks three questions:
1. Why is Hodorovski imprisoned?
2. Why do most people in Russia live in poverty?
3. Why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?
Putin thinks what to answer but then the bell rings and students go out of the class.
When the next lesson starts, he asks , if anyone has got any questions.
Petja stands up:
1. Why is Hodorovski imprisoned?
2. Why do most people in Russia live in poverty?
3. Why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?
4. Why did the bell ring 15 minutes earlier?
5. Where is Vova?
*
Graduation at a catholic nunnery school.
The abbess asks the girls who they want to be.
Sister Ann: I want to become a teacher.
Abbess: Good, good, my child. Teacher is a very good and godly proffession. And you, Maria?
Sister Maria: I want to become a doctor.
Abbess: Yes, very good. Doctor is also a very good profession. ANd you, sister Mary?
Sister Mary: I want to become a prostitute!
The abbess faints. When she comes around, she asks: What did you say?
Sister Mary: I want to become a prostitute!
Abbess: Thank God! I heard: "protestant"
The Hydrogen atom was wearing a green shirt.Quote:
Originally Posted by starrwriter
You might have heard this one before.
A man was walking down the street and he passed a mental asylum. He heard all the inmates shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" The asylum was surrounded by a tall wooden fence, so out of curiosity he looked through a hole in the fence to see what was going on. Then he got poked in his eye! As he was running away, he heard everyone shouting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"