Revels before Lent

Hi Sleepy. I took a page from Virgil's book and made some in-text notes on your story. I hope you won't think it's disrespectful of me; I really did like the story. Feel free to kick me in the face if you completely disagree and think I got it all wrong. :smash: :D I took it upon myself to tweak some things (it just seems easier to show you, rather than describe my suggestions) mainly paragraph arrangements, and those mainly for clarity of dialogue. If you disagree I will understand completely. If you had a specific arrangement to carry out a purpose that completely passed me by, I apologize for messing with it. I’ve also shown a lot of attention to the use of italics; I don’t know what you’ll make of my suggestions with regard to them. The only actual story point that I can make is concerned with Roland. I think the character is good, and necessary, but there are a few points that confuse me, for which I’ve made notes.
This is about as nit-picking as I can get (they say I’m a harsh critic, but it’s really just nit-picking :goof: ) so I hope you won’t think I’ve tried to pick your story apart. I really, really like it. It was a pleasure to read. The idea behind it I think is brilliant, and you’ve included all the necessary information, but only the necessary information, which I appreciate above all in reading short stories. Anyway, thanks for sharing it with me.
Well, I tried to upload the document, but it's just over the limit, so I split it in two. I know that's bothersome; sorry.

wow, Jean, thanks for your comments!
I don't mind your tweaking at all... I'll have to go over it again and do something about the paragraphing. The paragraphs don't mean anything, I just left them that way out of laziness....
thanks for correcting my spellos, there are some that totally escaped my because I've read the story so many times I just don't notice them.
yep the ending is a bit lame... I'll think about it, but it may take some time :)
I might also cut out Julia's second e-mail (the fragment) to Nadine, because a friend of mine said it doesn't contain anything interesting.

about Roland giving her number to the student: Julia and Roland both live in a place a couple of hundred kilometres away. That the student phones her only now is deliberate (it shows how stupid the student is! Lots of people actually do that! Some even phone their professor the night before their oral M.A. -!!!!- exam to changer their topic!)

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Originally Posted by Jean-Baptiste

The idea behind it I think is brilliant

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:D what is the idea behind it in your opinion? Hehe, I'm just curious because every reader seems to interpret it differently depending on his/her own background. E.g. my boyfriend and Uncle Pen both thought it's about loneliness. My best friend said Julia cares a lot about her work and career but she's yearning for some 'human warmth' (which is a good description of my best friend herself, in a way!she's a nicer person than Julia, though)
Uncle Virgil was shocked at first....

hehe, now I'll read Virgil's changes and then I'll comment on your stories :)

heehee, our Virgil, hum, please don't be cross, but I'm not sure I like your changes too much....
this isn't too bad

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“You read about the industrial revolution?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said, looking down at his book.
“Those boys from yesterday seem like such products of industrialism.
“Why do you say that?”
Well, they come from that industrial neighbourhood.”
“Of course,” he said. Julia felt that he had an understanding ear. So she continued.
“They seem like characters from a Naturalistic novel.”
“Oh, like something from Zola?”
Julia was surprised. “You have read Zola?”
“Oh Yes.” He spoke so politely.
“Well, the script of life is badly written for most.
“Oh, don’t wallow in self pity, please.” He smiled.
“No, really sometimes I feel that life is patched together by a drunken fool, whose sense of plot is..uh..is that of a parrot.”
Uncle Berhard turned his dark eyes toward her, puzzled. She giggled.
“I once saw a parrot peel cherries, spit out the flesh, and then line up the seeds like stones in a neat row.”
“Oh,” Uncle responded. She was not sure if he understood. No matter.

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but some of the other passages you've added are a bit too errrr *gargle, arrrgh looking for a word that will not offend you*.. romantic/cheesy/soppy/over-emotional err... I don't know...
you see, I want her attraction to him to be a bit more irrational and out of the blue... if she starts locking eyes with him that early on, it won't be out-of-the-blue...
also, I made his eyes 'amber' rather than brown on purpose. I know the right word would be brown. Plus, 'amber' eyes are very rare. But that's what's makes him special. I don't want him to have clichéd warm, dark brown, soft eyes but eyes that look weird most of the time, but can do funny things and can suddenly change to look soft.
If he had dark brown eyes, that would be hard to achieve because many people associate "warmth" and "depth of feeling" etc with brown eyes by default. So he couldn't help looking trustworthy and caring even if that's not what he felt like/wanted people to think.

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She placed her hand to his face and kissed him.

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not a bad idea... that would make it easier for readers to understand the "waking-up"-scene... I'm just not sure I want any explicit reference to kissing in there... But if that's the only way I can make things clear, I will do it :)
or would it be enough of a hint if she just touched his face or something?

thanks so much for help and all the time and work you put into this. I hope you won't be cross because I'm stubborn when it comes to some of the changes you've suggested.

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

heehee, our Virgil, hum, please don't be cross, but I'm not sure I like your changes too much....
this isn't too bad

but some of the other passages you've added are a bit too errrr *gargle, arrrgh looking for a word that will not offend you*.. romantic/cheesy/soppy/over-emotional err... I don't know...

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Oh you're not offending me.:lol: I didn't expect to be original with someone else's story. I was just trying to show you needed to bring out the Bernhart character more (he is the critical part of the story and he's delegated to third string almost), eliminate the fat (I still don't understand why Roland and the incident with the kid who gets attacked are in the story), and come to a clearer conclusion. I know you want to be subtle, but you are being so subtle that i don't understand the point. Perhaps it's just me. IMO, a writer is not there to tease and obscure. The implications of a story may be complex and deep and unstated; but a story line should be smooth, clear, and precise. I'll be curious to see your next revision. :)

Well, gee, I'll take a stab at interpretation, if only to show what a simple dolt I am. I see a couple of things going on in this story. I took the story to be about how Julia's life has, up to this point, been on hold, placed in the background in favor of a focus on academia. She seems socially and emotionally stilted as a result, and realizes (without expressed realization) that there's something missing only when it is presented to her in a mediocre form, to which she instantly succumbs. She is certainly not emotionally dead, as shown by her concern for the boy in the beginning, but emotion has taken on a secondary significance for her, which makes her somewhat harsh and calculating (as you said above, your friend is nicer than Julia.) She is innately lacking any desire for personal (romantic/emotional) attachment, as shown in her choice of friends, viz. the homosexual Roland, and her choice of liaison with an absolutely off-limits man. As for regarding academia as the main perpetrator in this outcome, I couldn't say that it's necessarily about the effect of a prolonged acquaintance with academia, but more about anything that could have this effect of relegating one's personal life to a secondary importance, and the insistence that life will reassert itself eventually. Also, it seems that Julia lives in a constantly updating mind. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to make solid plans (not that there's anything in the story that makes this explicit, just the feeling I get) nor is she able or willing to dwell on the immediate past (as implicit in the fact that she's working continually in stages on marking papers, and throughout the story saving documents and moving on to something else.)

That's what I see. And I think it's brilliantly portrayed. If I got it all wrong, I'm sorry. :goof:

Yes, students can be quite ridiculous--changing their minds. I understood the point about the student, but I don't understand how Roland gave the student Julia's number so recently. If he had given it away before they left home, wouldn't the student have called sooner? I don't know; maybe that is something a student would do: frantically get the professor's number too late anyway, and then wait for a day to call. :lol:
I did the paragraph thing mostly for my own reading; I figured you just hadn't gotten around to it yet, as some were done and some weren't.

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Originally Posted by Jean-Baptiste

Well, gee, I'll take a stab at interpretation, if only to show what a simple dolt I am. I see a couple of things going on in this story. I took the story to be about how Julia's life has, up to this point, been on hold, placed in the background in favor of a focus on academia. She seems socially and emotionally stilted as a result, and realizes (without expressed realization) that there's something missing only when it is presented to her in a mediocre form, to which she instantly succumbs. She is certainly not emotionally dead, as shown by her concern for the boy in the beginning, but emotion has taken on a secondary significance for her, which makes her somewhat harsh and calculating (as you said above, your friend is nicer than Julia.) She is innately lacking any desire for personal (romantic/emotional) attachment, as shown in her choice of friends, viz. the homosexual Roland, and her choice of liaison with an absolutely off-limits man. As for regarding academia as the main perpetrator in this outcome, I couldn't say that it's necessarily about the effect of a prolonged acquaintance with academia, but more about anything that could have this effect of relegating one's personal life to a secondary importance, and the insistence that life will reassert itself eventually. Also, it seems that Julia lives in a constantly updating mind. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to make solid plans (not that there's anything in the story that makes this explicit, just the feeling I get) nor is she able or willing to dwell on the immediate past (as implicit in the fact that she's working continually in stages on marking papers, and throughout the story saving documents and moving on to something else.)

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I like your interpretation a lot! except for the passage I've highlighted. The reason why she doesn't mark all the papers in one go is because that conference keeps her busy. Another person would maybe not mark the papers at all at this stage and do it the following week (which would cause some inconvenience for her students because they'd have to wait for their marks longer).
but you are right that she sort of drifts into the Bernhard thing and that's were the irony is: she's very organized when it comes to her work and certainly knows how to deal with silly students, but when it comes to her personal life, it's a different story

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Originally Posted by Virgil

and come to a clearer conclusion

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I will work on that :) *one of these days* (when Sleepy says that, it usually means sometime between now and the day I die :) )

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Originally Posted by Virgil

I still don't understand why Roland and the incident with the kid who gets attacked are in the story

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yep, you're right: the transition from the first to the second part is veeeeery clumsy.
but here's why I still want the incident with the boy to be in there:

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Don't wallow in self-pity. She told herself, but the thought that she had been able to help the boy had a coppery tinge, it could not make up for the fact that she lived in a world where little kids drank themselves senseless and tried to kill each other. But what am I supposed to do about it?
Of course, she had wanted to take a different route to her aunt's home in the first place, but Roland had taken a wrong turn.
Julia squared her shoulders defiantly. She had never really understood why Naturalist writers were so fascinated by the scum they called 'real' people, why they relished rolling in the grime and filth like swine roll in the mud. What could that possibly teach us about ourselves? How did elevating all that blood and soot onto the plane of literature contribute to making those things go away? How did it relate to humanity? No, her job was to stick to what she was best at, to cling on to the good, the true and the beautiful. There needed to be something the antisocials could look up to,....

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I don't know if it comes across very clearly, but as I see it Julia is a bit frustrated about the world around her. She doesn't like violence, ugly things etc. But the incident with the boy doesn't turn her into a socialist heroine who sets out to save the world and do something to help people like the boy.
Rather, her frustration makes her withdraw and hate the world as it is, because she can't do anything about it.
She decides she needs to cling on to the beautiful things in life...
And what is her brilliant solution: she resorts to random middle class adultery.
---> Julia, you're full of sh**

well, I'm glad I wasn't entirely off base. Yes, I can understand your explanation for the papers; notice I left a way out for myself on that bit about plans.

I agree somewhat with Virgil on the beginning situation. I think it is definitely a necessary part of the story, but as you say, the transition is sketchy. I think you should be able to bring out its significance a bit more, without stopping the story for explanations. Perhaps a sentence or two strewn in later would do the trick.

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

yep, you're right: the transition from the first to the second part is veeeeery clumsy.
but here's why I still want the incident with the boy to be in there:

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OK, it can work, but I think it does need to be better integrated.

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I don't know if it comes across very clearly, but as I see it Julia is a bit frustrated about the world around her. She doesn't like violence, ugly things etc. But the incident with the boy doesn't turn her into a socialist heroine who sets out to save the world and do something to help people like the boy.
Rather, her frustration makes her withdraw and hate the world as it is, because she can't do anything about it.
She decides she needs to cling on to the beautiful things in life...
And what is her brilliant solution: she resorts to random middle class adultery.
---> Julia, you're full of sh**

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Her frustration is there. Although it could be sharper. What may be missing is the regret or whatever she feels after. Perhaps our differences are because of our writing styles. You seem to prefer subtlety and I prefer clarity. I guess the question you should ask yourself is, when is it too subtle?

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random middle class adultery.

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:lol: Are you implying that the upper and lower classes don't have random adultery?

Are you and I two pieces of a mind split asunder? Through all of your thunder I sat, only to hear similar sounds between storms. All the while, wearing ear plugs. To you I cast hypothetical hugs. - But seriously, without fully reading your most recent stories, I found similarities to already written writing of my own - that have never been posted - when only observing the first paragraph. I'll read this lengthy story through soon, and cast back info from Matt's black...Processor.

hi Mats,
thanks for your comment :)
why don't you post your stories?

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Originally Posted by Virgil

:lol: Are you implying that the upper and lower classes don't have random adultery?

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nope I'm not implying that, but I think the lower classes make less fuss about it.. for them it's not such a big issue or rather they just do it without blowing it up into a big tragedy.... :)

slightly timid when posting works I want to publish. I have an interest in freelance but I'm really wanting to write a novel. Therefore, every 'story' I write is potential publication - least in my mind. Listings are easy, it's sticking to writing that's hard; which is odd, when hearing so many struggles of pursuing publication. Going off what I've read, the trick is a good query letter and a elegant manuscript. Then, simply have a meaningful and proper story. Anyway, I can't post one that you reminded me of, because it is a novel and is slightly scattered around - between computer and paper. Basically with that, I used a character by the name of Roland, as a base character. It's a good name. Also, the recently posted story about the lake, was vary similar in various aspects. I could post that... 'Tis not concluded; however, lively at genesis. I'm still considering a new title but it is currently: (A) Treacherous Lake. I'll post it now.

I'm struggling to post because: I'm roughly 2000 words above average. I would revise, but, 2000 words? I'm curious, must those attachments be in MS Word format?

Matsiah, its easy if you want to post a story, just break it up into (two or more) sections (depending on how long it is) and post it in multiple posts to the same topic.

Unless you're talking about the short story competition, in which case 2000 words is the nonnegotiable limit ;)

And yes, MS Word format. If you're using OpenOffice, just save it as .doc, not sure about other applications though. (this part applies for short story competition as well)

Poor Sleepywitch is having her thread hijacked.

yeah, all those nasty moderators coming here to post off-topic msgs :)
but at least that way the thread stays active :)

Hey sleepy!
I really liked your story. Good stuff. Very sophisticated, and nitty-gritty reality. All I can write is mush, currently. :D Roland seems like a half-character to me, like I just met him, but don't really know him yet. You've said over and over that it's only part of the whole story, so I'll let ya off the hook. :) If you ever get the rest of the story out, let us read it, so we can get to know the other characters better. :) And, I like the thoughts that Julia "thinks" that we can "hear." I'm a fan of using that every once in a while, too. Best of luck with your work. :)

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Originally Posted by zanna

Hey sleepy!
I really liked your story. Good stuff. Very sophisticated, and nitty-gritty reality. All I can write is mush, currently. :D Roland seems like a half-character to me, like I just met him, but don't really know him yet. You've said over and over that it's only part of the whole story, so I'll let ya off the hook. :) If you ever get the rest of the story out, let us read it, so we can get to know the other characters better. :) And, I like the thoughts that Julia "thinks" that we can "hear." I'm a fan of using that every once in a while, too. Best of luck with your work. :)

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thanks :)
er, actually that is the whole story... Uncle Pen suggested I should make it the first chapter of a novel, but actually i can't see that happening.
the Roland bit is the first part of this story and the Uncle Bernhard thing is the second part, if that's what you mean?

One thing, right off the bat that i had to reread, and am still not clear. The first two lines:
"Watch out!" Roland stepped on the brake and brought the car to a skidding halt.
The two kids ran in front of the car and stopped two metres ahead of them.

Does this mean that two kids ran out in front of a car after it stopped?
Who was the "them"?

Reading with interest however...
-- Phil

yep it means the kids jump on to the road in front of the car like kids sometimes do to annoy people ("them" is Julia and Roland, in the car)

How do you attach a word document to your posts?

Here Sleepy. I take it this is what your story picks up on. Thought you and whoever reads the story might be interested. The article has pictures on the web site. Costumes are very elaborate and well done.

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German Carnival Pokes Fun at Hitler, Bush and the Mullahs
Hitler, Bush and the Mullahs have one thing in common: they're represented as effigies at the Düsseldorf carnival. On Rose Monday, costumed revelers cheered on the parade which pokes fun at everyone and everything.

Once a year, the Germans show off their humorous side: dressed up with wigs, masks and costumes, they flock to their local carnival parade to get madly drunk and sing along to carnival chansons à la "I need more beer." Those who want the real deal go to the Rhineland where cities like Cologne or Düsseldorf have become carnival mecca.

While Cologne is undoubtedly the number one in the fun league when it comes to numbers -- up to 1 million revelers were expected for the Rose Monday parade -- the Düsseldorf carnival has earned much admiration for its politically incorrect spirit. This year's parade is themed "Düsseldorf's foolish illusions."

Effigies of Hitler relieving himself or George Bush smelling the armpit of Iranian leader Ahmadinejad -- the float is dubbed "Achsel (the German word for 'armpit') of evil" -- demonstrate Düsseldorf's high art of poking fun.

German politicians and celebrities are also paraded by the German jesters. Chancellor Merkel makes an appearance in a bathing suit and as a weasel licking the head of her vice chanceller Müntefering on two floats at Cologne carnival. Cyclist Jan Ullrich -- under suspicion of doping -- is another countryman who had been remodeled as an effigy.

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http://www.spiegel.de/international/...467230,00.html

hey old Virgil, thanks for the link. will read it later.
i've written a better ending for the story and will post it tomorrow! what a coincidence.

hey Uncle Virgil, Jean and all my other suporters :) the new ending is up :)
how do you like it?
is it any better now?

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Originally Posted by Virgil

Here Sleepy. I take it this is what your story picks up on. Thought you and whoever reads the story might be interested. The article has pictures on the web site. Costumes are very elaborate and well done.



http://www.spiegel.de/international/...467230,00.html

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hehe, after reading this article, do you think my description is accurate?
is Spiegel International edition available in print over there? (the German edition is a renowned weekly newspaper, which I read regularly).
i saw it at a newsagent's the other day and was curious about it coz i didn't know there is an English edition.
Do you think this article was written by a native speaker of English? sounds very native to me. maybe I'll by a copy of the print edition to study the language and find out who writes their articles.

I have never heard of Spiegel International before. The article headline came across a web site that collates interesting news items of the day and I saw the headline and rembembered your story.

Speaking of your story, I'll down load and try to read it tonight if I get the chance.

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

hey Uncle Virgil, Jean and all my other suporters :) the new ending is up :)
how do you like it?
is it any better now?

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That's exciting, Sleepy! You'll have to give me a few days, but I'll read it as soon as I get some time to breath.

thanks Jean and Uncle Vergilius

here's some Berlin donuts for you (traditional German Carnival specialty. called Berliner in the North and Krapfen down here)
(can i resize images in php code? I'll try it, coz it's a bit large. nope it's not working. i suppose that's why it's called php and not html)
http://www.landvogt-back.de/images/NeueKrapfen.JPG

Hold the donuts. I didn't get a chance to read it last night. I will though. I'm really curious how you end it.

Donuts look delicious though. I wonder if my fatty liver can handle them. ;)

OK I read it this morning. Much improved. :thumbs_up Yes I really like it now Sleepy. I'm not much on endings that explains it all, but you handled it very well, and now I see why you have that intro with the boy and roland. The story is now organically whole, and that is always a first priority. One qualm I still have is that Uncle Bernhardt's attraction to her still comes across as unprepared and sudden. I don't know if you have enough on what makes him tick. I know he's awkward and unused to making a pass at a lady, but why does he do it? What makes him go over that line. It seems to be a missing answer.

But I really do love the story now. It makes me want to read more of characters. Great work. You should try to get it published.

OK, now I'll take a donut. ;)

hey Uncle Virgil, thanks for your comment :) glad you like it better now :) :) :).
well, the Bernhard thing is intended to be irrational etc, i'll stick to that... yeah.. well let's see.. whatever :) i guess the idea is that Julia just feels a bit disconnected from other people and this is her way of seeking 'human warmth' and uncle gets cheated on by his evil w**** of a wife and blabla. :)
enjoy your donut :)

what do you make of Julia's reflections at the end? do you share her view or is she too bitter? does it make her more or less likeable? do they still tie in with what we know about her character?
what about the general tone of the ending? is it a good/bad/open ending?

(hehe, do I sound like a Lit teacher?)


do you really, really, really think i should publish it? i think I'll print it out and have it bound at the copyshop to circulate it among my friends for a start. have you ever done that? it's embarrassing :blush:

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Originally Posted by SleepyWitch

what do you make of Julia's reflections at the end?

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I thought they were appropriate. Like I said, I don't usually like endings that are explained, but I felt comfortable here now.

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do you share her view or is she too bitter?

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I didn't feel she was bitter. Realistic is the word. Not an idealist any longer perhaps, but life does that. That's what makes it a story.

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does it make her more or less likeable?

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If I didn't like her by then, it would be too late. I liked her voice as it went through the story. One really bonded with her.

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do they still tie in with what we know about her character?

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I think so.

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what about the general tone of the ending? is it a good/bad/open ending?

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I think it closes the story. I don't think it you left anything open.

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(hehe, do I sound like a Lit teacher?)

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Yes, but you should be thinking more like a writer, not a teacher. ;)

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do you really, really, really think i should publish it? i think I'll print it out and have it bound at the copyshop to circulate it among my friends for a start. have you ever done that? it's embarrassing :blush:

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I've never published a story. Give it a try, what's the harm. There are some diction places I might change. I really didn't write them down, but I'll read it once more and note those little things. Also, I still find the way you layout dialogue as awkward. There are standard ways to do that.

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Originally Posted by Virgil

Also, I still find the way you layout dialogue as awkward. There are standard ways to do that.

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yep, I know. i've just been to lazy to space out the dialogue so far. that's the least of my worries :) I'll do it one of these days. as long as the dialogue doesn't sound unnatural, I'm happy :)

Well, here are my thoughts:

Praise:

I like how you tied the "comingling of lives" in the opening with the "delimma of stratification" at the end.

"Their faces were illuminated eerily in the orange light from the street lamps."
For reasons completely obvious to anyone who has opened Bastat, I adore this sentence. Very ghoulish.(-:

"She had on those tights...the ones that make your legs look like big, fat weiner sausages!" - LMAO! I've thought the exact same thing, except I compared them to dinosaur legs.

I love Roland. He and Jules would get along wonderfully well.

I really identify with Julia - she is a compelling character, an introverted philosopher with a passion for literature. If she were real, I would befriend her in a heart-beat.

I liked the irony of making "The whore" "an angel".

I loved the ending most of all, though - a sort of exploration of Maslowe's heirarchy of needs. That's the fundamental problem: people stuck on Rung 1 survive. They don't actually live; every moment is consumed with acquiring food/resources and protection, like the neanderthals. When they have surrendered to the inevitability of death, when they ask themselves "why do I fight so hard so I can take my next breath to fight so hard?" they die - some by addictions, some by gangs, some by suicide.

People who have resources can afford to live, to develop emotional connections and community, even to self-actualize. Strangely enough, however, many people don't, especially here in America. Most of the rich remain on Rung 1, obsessed with the acquisition of wealth and materialism, the luxury of greed. There is no "self" beneath the "mask", so the mask is the self. They really *are* that superficial.

Then there are weirdos like me stuck on Rung 1 because their aim is self-actualization, and pragmatism is sacrificed at the expense of authenticity and consistency with the self and with God.

And here's a rhetorical question: instead of the aristocratic Julia saving the poverty-stricken boy, wouldn't it have been even more amazing if the reverse had actually happened?

Suggestions:

I like the philosophical musings on page 8 but the shift from being inside Julia's mind to narrative style is awkward. Add a "she mused to herself" or something to keep the flow in synch. The paragraph I'm refering to states: "It was the kind of weather..."

The dialogue needs to be clearly separated so the reader knows which character is speaking.

There may be "too many Aunts with penchants for purple-feathered hats" in the beginning but then my reading preference appears to be grossly different than current standards. Roland entertained me but it wasn't until Julia developed some depth that I became engrossed, and that occured when you introduced Bernhard - those two characters evolved one another, much like Ana and Jules.

You can circumvent this problem - if you deem it one - by introducing some insight in the first scene, with the injured boy. Don't make it only a matter of physical death, but a spiritual one as well. Julia has the capacity to think both ways at the same time - to attend to the boy's physical needs while simultaneously processing the thought that here lies a human being - only a boy, small and frail - who might die without anyone ever really knowing or caring.

Give her depth there and it will string you over until you introduce Bernhard.

PS: Do you have a thing for old guys? (-:

wow, thanks for your feedback. glad you liked the story :) :)

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Originally Posted by Countess

You can circumvent this problem - if you deem it one - by introducing some insight in the first scene, with the injured boy. Don't make it only a matter of physical death, but a spiritual one as well. Julia has the capacity to think both ways at the same time - to attend to the boy's physical needs while simultaneously processing the thought that here lies a human being - only a boy, small and frail - who might die without anyone ever really knowing or caring.

Give her depth there and it will string you over until you introduce Bernhard.

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that's a very good idea :) I'll keep it at the back of my mind and wait till i can come up with something.

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PS: Do you have a thing for old guys? (-:

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:D :D :D nothing wrong with old guys :)
but i swear Bernhard isn't based on any one from RL, he's entirely fictional (his character, his appearance, his way of life) and so is Julia... --> that's why I'm kinda proud of this story even though it's far from perfect

PS: I've PMed you privately Sleepywitch. Check it. (-:

Sleepy, I think you are going to have to change your signature to take out the reference to "stupid" about your story. It is a fine story, but I did have a few issues with it.

1.) Why is the aunt referred to as a "whore"? I get that she and the protagonist are distantly related, and that obviously there is bad blood between the aunt and Julia' s mother. It just seems odd that Julia seems to buy into that (having thoughts about her aunt running off to speak to somebody from her tennis club during the Carnival.), and yet by her own admission Julia hasn't seen her aunt since she was five. It struck me as odd. Surely momentarily abandoning one's husband and guest by taking off and running over to speak to a man doesn't make one a whore?

There is an allusion to the aunt being out late one night, but again, that seems pretty thin to slap such a pejorative term on someone.

2.) You say there is an implication that there was sexual intimacy shared between Bernhard and Julia. It is extremely subtle, as I would not have recognized it as such if I had not previously read through this thread. The subtlety is not the problem, I just find it hard to understand the motivation for such an act. In order for me to feel sympathy towards Bernhard, I am going to need some understanding of why a married father of two is going to sleep with (to use a more old fashioned term "commit adultery with") a guest under his and his wife's roof. In order for me to empathize with Julia I am going to have to understand how she can justify sleeping with her aunt's husband after somewhat judging her aunt as a "whore".

This last bit is much more pickyune of me. I am assuming that Roland and Julia are of the same age...and Julia is 30 and Roland is mentioned twice as taking Ritalin, which is classified as an amphetamine. Such a drug is prescribed to hyperactive children. In adults Ritalin acts as a stimulant. It calms hyperactivity in the young because of their somewhat different body chemistry opposed to adults.



I don't know why I bring it up, it is just something that seemed odd to me. All in all I must say I enjoyed your story. This is why I suggest to you taking out the "stupid" part in your sig, because I think this is a work to be proud of. :thumbs_up