It was a dark and stormy night...

And with that, the ship of fools, or rather the trainload of maniacs, chugged off into the sunset. "Chugga-Chugga-Whoo-Whoo," said the little train, "I think I can. I think I can." But then the little train realized he was going to Kansas - a state with only two or three contour lines in the whole place - and so he just floored it.

"Not NOW, Spock! I have a date with a Terbarian Moon Princess I've....got. To.... get ready for! Set phasers to 'sexy'! Mr. Spock, you have the bridge!" With that, Captain Kirk strolled to the elevator, smoothed his perfect hair and struck an action pose as the doors close. "Chances of successful copulation are highly unlikely. Terbarians are all male." Spock quips, arching his eyebrow. The bridge erupted with howls laughter.

"Oh, yeah?" Kirk shot back. "How do they populate the species, budding? Trust me the one I know is..."

"A female impersonator." Spock said, arching an eyebrow.

Stung by the crew's laughter, Kirk stormed into the turbolift. "Transporter room"

When the car stopped and the door hissed open, Kirk stepped out into the train carriage as Jack the Ripper boarded the turbolift. "Bridge!" the psycho laughed...

But before the turbolift departed, Kirk leaned into Jack and said, "JTR, you would know this sort of thing. Is the Terbarian Moon Princess a female impersonator?"

Ripper smirked an evil smirk and said, "She's a dude, dude."

And as the lift whooshed away, Kirk thought, Ah well, at least I've got something to fall back on if this whole heterosexual thing doesn't work out for me.

Captain Kirk was now approached by Doctor Watson. "Blimey!" Watson said, all moon eyed. "Down the bloody lift, what? On a bleeding train?"

"Ignore him" Sherlock Holmes said. To Watson: "Been at the whiskey again, John? Eyes like pissholes in the snow" To Kirk: "You are after the female impersonator, I presume? Next car over."

Kirk headed for the door muttering. "Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound."

Funny thing is I began my first story with that line back when I was 13. I thought it was a masterpiece. Hahaha.

^pure art, eh Darcy? Welcome back. Jump on in anywhere. The more the merrier.

And then...

Watson said, "What'cha got in that pipe, Sherlock? I'm as sober as a tree stump." And then to Kirk, "Well, if you're gonna go mooning around with the princess, my advice is: put a helmet on your soldier."

Then he ripped into a new number:

http://youtu.be/4EJyvWjfePY

During a grand pause in the piece, Watson said, "Call me Arthel."

Kirk edged into the car containing the "Terbarian Moon Princess" A tawny skinned blonde with luscious lips was just removing "her" helmet. It was RuPaul

http://thebplot.files.wordpress.com/...pink_final.jpg

[story note: Bah-hahahahahah]

Later that day Kirk, looking somewhat disheveled, rejoined his traveling mates in their Pullman Car.

Spock, who had been deeply engaged in a discussion with Holmes over an apparent anomaly in Kepler's law of planetary motion, looked up and queried, "How was your date, Captain?"

Kirk, while buttoning his tunic, removing a long blond hair from his shoulder, and generally smoothing out his uniform, said, "You guys will not believe this."

"What is it, Captain?"

Kirk said (a little too smugly for Holmes' taste), "The women of Terbaria are fantastic. But that moon princess had a huge clitoris - must've been six inches long."

"That is, of course, a medical impossibility." Doctor Watson commented striking up minor chords on his guitar mournfully.
Spock remained stone faced but inside he was laughing wildly and pounding on a wall. "Captain forgot his glasses again!"
Sherlock Holmes looked around. "When did this pointy eared alien come into the car? I must have been observing telegraph poles and computing speed."
"Or on your seven per cent solution again." Doc Watson said in a stage whisper.
Kirk flipped on his communicator, which oddly looked like a modern cell phone. "Two to beam up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here!"
"Are ye daft, Captain? Beam up from where? Sensors show ye still on the ship below turbo shaft three." Scotty voice came back.
"Affirmative, Captain." Spock indicated the door which was swishing open to reveal Jack the Ripper. Spock and Kirk entered the turbolift, as Jack the Ripper exited, bloodstained.
"This whole environment is illogical, Captain." Spock intoned.
Kirk stared after the departing serial killer. "I hope he didn't get Yeoman Rand..."

Kirk then looked around the car and commented, “Hey, how come all you guys are standing with your backs to the wall?” He cocked his thumb towards Jack. “If it’s him you’re worried about – don’t – he only slashes women of a certain social status.”

Holmes said, “Quite right, old boy, but it’s not him we’re worried about. You see, based on recent events, we’ve made a certain deduction about your, hmm, how shall I say…”

Spock looked from Holmes to Kirk and said, “Fascinating. But I think what Holmes is trying to say, Captain, is, based on specific recent events, we’ve induced that, er, hmm…”

Watson said, “For this next number, I’ll use A-standard” He then plucked and tuned his G-string a couple of times. "How about a Show Tune, Cap'n?"

Over the communicator Scotty announced, “Prepare for Warp.”

Kirk grinned. "Show Tune? You think I'm a singer?"

"Not exactly, Captain" Holmes said dryly. "Frankly we find you a bit of a Nancy Boy. Friend of Oscar Wilde, what?"

Kirk frowned. "That had better not mean what I think it means, Pal!" He fumbled with his phaser's settings ominously.

The train car blinked and everyone was thrown to the floor. Then it was all normal again.

"Can't see the bloody telegraph poles but we must be flying." Holmes snorted.

"On his second shot of cocaine" Doc Watson whispered to Spock. "Reminds me of a song"

Scotty's voice drifted down. "Warp three, Captain!"

The door to car opposite the "Princess Car" opened and a man in ancient evening dress and an opera cape came in. "Goot efning" Said Count Dracula...

Strange things happen at Warp 3: Light bends. Time wrinkles. Matter dissolves.

Holmes’ pupils had shrunk to a pinpoint. He said, “Whoa! Trippy!”

Watson similarly had kaleidoscope eyes. He said, “You can take a trip and never leave the farm.”

Spock appeared normal, but commented, “Lunacy is not a logical lifestyle choice.”

Just then over the P.A., Ishmael made a station announcement: “STILLWATER, next stop, LUBBOCK” which caused a flock of black birds to fly off of a nearby fallout shelter, and drove Kirk into a soft-shoe routine; he began humming to himself, “Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.”

Meanwhile, Ahab and the Count sat in the corner, drinking Whiskey and Rye, and agreeing with each other that this’ll be the day that they die.





Edit note: It just occurred to me, in trying to lend some coherence to an incoherent narrative, the train would need to stop in Lubbock (home of Buddy Holley) after stopping in Stillwater, Oklahoma and still be more-or-less heading for Kansas.

And as they were all there in one place, on a train bound for nowhere and lost in space, they all got up to dance. Unfortunately, they never got the chance. The train screeched into Stillwater and jerked to a stop. Ishmael called "Any one for Stillwater, come on down!" Scotty's voice also came over the intercom. "We hae arrived at Terbaria, Captain. Send the Princess up tae the transportor."

RuPaul minced into the car and over to the turbolift. He/she smiled at Captain Kirk. "At least we have our memories of the train ride."

Kirk turned to Ahab. "Pass the paper bag that holds the bottle. I need a drink!"

The train roared off faster than ever, almost causing weightlessness inside the car. Doc Watson struck up "Dust in the Wind" and Holmes played his violin in accompaniment.

The Count withdrew a deck of cards from inside his cape. "Poker, geentlemen?"

Wisely, nobody disembarked at Stillwater, and only 25 sacks of mail were loaded. As the train they call The Big Easy* pulled out of the station, with Ismael and Scotty guiding it past houses, farms, and fields (and distant galaxies), all of the merry band of pranksters began arranging themselves around the poker table. The Count sat with his back to the wall, next to him sat Ahab, then Watson who had reintroduced his guitar to its gig bag, then Kirk and Rupaul sat together - ever so close, and finally Holmes completed the circle with his fiddle still tucked under his arm.

The Count idly shuffled the deck a couple of times and then slid it across the table to Watson. "Es ist der dealer's choice." He said.

Doc extracted three cards from the deck, seemingly at random, showed them to everybody, and placed them face down on the table in front of him. Everybody watched with rapt attention as Doc explained the game:

"Now three-card Monti is a gamblin' game
Two black aces and a pretty red queen
Keep your eye on the lady and lay your money down
Watch the fastest hands you ever seen"

Ru' perked up and commented, " Oouu, I like that red card!" She then looped her arm through Kirk's and pulled him closer. "Oh baby, you're making me hotter'n a pepper sprout."

Kirk flashed a s**t-eating grin around the table and then looked deep into her eyes, "Gimme some sugar, my little Rupee-Shwoopee." And he puckered up his best kissy face.




*Buenos días, L'merica, ¿Cómo estás?
I like Arlo's version