Remorse.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by qimissung

I'm not sure what this is about at all, but there is some beautiful imagery here, Zoolane, as usual.

I'm particularly with the third stanza. "Pale as an apple" gives a very vivid picture.

As a whole, while the lines are individually expressive, Zoo, I'm left wondering what it is exactly that your trying to convey?

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Thank you.
I am sure what I am trying to convey qim, so time to rewrite I think or try a least.

The first one was very good.

Hi Zoo. Did you want feedback on Childhood Memories?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zoolane

Childhood Memories

The circle of a piece of paper in the air,
Like a cloud that is quiver as it slide across the sky.
Echo's of my childhood memories convey,
Into seamless gust from a broom as it sweep the road.

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This first stanza has a lot of nice imagery. This reader really liked 'The circle of a piece of paper in the air' as an opening line. This stanza is good because there are good descriptions a reader can easily imagine.

Here are some boring notes on grammar:

'Like a cloud that is quiver as it slide across the sky.'

We can say 'Like a cloud that is quivering' or we can say 'Like a cloud that quivers.' Also, we need to conjugate the verb 'to slide' correctly. We can say 'Like a cloud that is quivering as it slides across the sky.

'Echo's'- if this is a noun, we must say 'Echoes.'

'as it sweep the road'- like 'slides,' we must conjugate the verb correctly.
We must say 'as it sweeps the road.'

Quote:

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Rust of lessons learnt long go,
From suicides thoughts that lingers.

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'Rust' is an interesting and original way of describing lessons learned from the past. But the second line, about thoughts of suicide, is surprisingly unsubtle given the rest of the poem (which is spare and beautiful). This line doesn't seem to fit as nicely as the others.

More grammar notes:

'From suicides thoughts that lingers.'- Did you want to say 'From suicidal thoughts that linger'? This reader didn't precisely understand this line. Are the thoughts of suicide? Or do the thoughts belong to the suicides (people who have committed suicide, maybe)?

Quote:

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Faded into the wall.
Ribs did stick out,
Pale as the inside of apple.
Breath which pour in to the air,
That freeze into ice in fraction of a second.

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'Ribs did stick out/Pale as the inside of apple' are some really great lines. Your signature style is at play here. Well done zoo.

For line 2, 'Pale as the inside of apple', we need an article for the noun apple. It seems natural to say 'Pale as the inside of an apple' in this context.

'Breath which pour into the air,'- if it is just one 'Breath', or 'Breath' in general, we need to conjugate the verb differently and say:

'Breath which pours into the air,'

and we need to do the same thing for the second verb, 'to freeze':

'That freezes into ice...'

And lastly, the noun 'fraction' needs an article here. We can say:

'in the fraction of a second.'

or

'in a fraction of a second.'


As usual, it is a pleasure to read your poems, zoo.








J

Thank you J. More feedback I get and more I hopeful I will learn.

Childhood memories didnt seem as happy as they could have been. There is always an assumption that the writer writes from personal experience. I often don't or I would be one horrible human being to have done half of that I have written. That said I am still prone to believe that this is personal. Maybe it is all personal because at the very least we thought it.

I found it difficult to penetrate zoo, but that rarely puts me off. From the opening line I am wondering what the circle of paper is........., I didnt understand but it didnt stop me continuing. If I see a poem by zoolane I am always prone to click on it.
JB

I enjoyed childhood memories and reading it in my mind as it is written and with corrections, it has strong imagery. I wouldn't use 'seamless' with gust and would choose a different word.

I particularly like: Rust of lessons learnt long ago. It's strong and suggests the residue of some hardship that stays with you.

Zoo, Childhood Memories is an ambitious piece of work, and very well accomplished at that. Good for you!

By repeating the title, you weakened the poem. You already said it, now advance that thought in the poem by showing it, expanding on it.

Not sure what the circle of paper is, though it morphs beautifully into a cloud. Once I got pass that, then it gets better and better. I don't want to change your poem, but that could be the paper on which the suicide note was written. It would make a powerful opening but you would need to make it clearer to readers.

L3 — there are two ways to deal with the repetition. One way is to say it in a different way, something to the effect of "it all comes back." It seems like you just need a filler, a pause, before the shocker.

But if it's me, I would flip it. I would make that the title, and leave "childhood memories" in the poem to set up the stunning contrast of childhood innocence vs. suicide.

The last stanza is really original, an open ended wrap up after S2. But "faded" is a bit problematic to me. Conceptually it doesnt' work. It's not faded if the thoughts "linger". Since you use the image of rust, you can try something like, "reddening into the wall". That's the color or rust staining the wall, and it's a very potent symbolism: rust = iron, iron = blood, blood —> suicide... you see how it all ties in?

Again I don't know if you have something specific you wanted to say, so don't make me change your poem, go with your gut. But there are times we set out to write something, then the poem writes itself and ends up saying not what we want to say, but something better.

Thank you Delta, Jerry and Haunted. How so different way of rewriting this poem
but where to began.

Maybe because it was the first of these - and seemed to be introducing a new, more self-confident Zoolane - Remorse is the one that made the greatest impression on me, although Childhood Memories was a close second.

Thank you Prince, I have re- work both poems on other thread, changes and hopeful I have take on board the suggest made.