Dust

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alexander III

Thanks, I have always had a fondness for the Elizabethan poets and dramatists, for their elegance of phrase.

19, but I will be 20 in Autumn

That is Fitzgerald in his 20's, the very god of American recklessness.

Quite a lot, I have traveled a lot of the world, and traveling is one of the few pursuits which I do not think pathetic.

I have never gone to a party I have not been somewhat invited to.

I am a university student, so I am stoned pretty much 24/7

Amongst my friends I am never poetic, only satiric.

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The teenager you have created here is not very difficult to catch. :P

The lie of your age goes poetically with the piece. Logical assertions to prove this will be an insult to the piece you have posted here.

You made me imagine things
You struck a chord
with the teenage life
that I never got to live

That dream had vanished
And yet you brought it to life
A desire that never breathed life
That never will breath life

Many such desires are buried in the heart
A puff of air with a piece like this
This is all they deserve
this is all they can ever get

You call it's dust,
It's your piece, it's your past
I am no one to ask you to see it otherwise
I just want to thank you
For having written this piece

I will give you my impression of this piece, albeit shaded by the uncomfortable
position into which my slowly-healing broken hip has forced me, the pain medication notwithstanding.

I'm afraid I have to agree somewhat with Jack-of-Hearts on this one. It's not
so much that the prose is "purple," however, but rather that it's a tad abstract. Although the piece begins with the idea that the narrator's memory "fades", he might have at least retained a few vivid recollections of such exotic places as Genoa and Singapore. In the general way in which the two references appear here, they could have been any two randomly selected place-names. I'm not entirely convinced that the narrator had ever set foot in either of the cities mentioned. Likewise, a brief capsule or anecdote about those university days and the narrator's schoolmates would have enlivened this piece.

Structurally as well as thematically, some expressive, active verbs would have vastly improved this narrative. For example, the second line, despite its length and inexplicable use of semi-colons, is actually a sentence fragment because of its lack of a main verb. Also try to avoid minor errors and typos such as "who's spirits" ( should be the possessive--whose.) Another pitfall to avoid is hackneyed thoughts and ideas, such as the amorphous description of the sea and the central metaphor, dust, a theme which has already been done ad nauseam.

In one of your replies you deny that you are lyrical and affirm that your personality is more "satiric." I've noticed that sardonic side of you in your other postings, and I do believe that's a quality you should try to develop. On that note, I'd say if there's one thing this piece suffers from is that it tries to take itself seriously.

Hope you accept this criticism and do not feel hurt as I do not mean to be harsh. Because of my current condition, my time on the PC is very limited, so please be assured that I thought that your piece was worth the time and comment.

Best wishes,
Auntie

Auntie, this is the kind of critique I so want to read. You pointed to the writer where and what to develop. You did not mangle the structure of the piece. You dissected the content. Please write more critiques. I want to read. Thanks.