The Woman with the Twisted Lip

Hello Steven,
I have really enjoyed following this tale. It has had a many memorable moments, my favourite being the appearance of the ghost of Seti 1st, even though your description of him sounded more like Ramesses II to me :D

My only real criticism of the piece is the setting in time and place. The style of writing at the beginning was very Arabian Nights. We have Sultanas and Wazirs, which stylisticly belong in a kind of medieval nerverland in Bagdad. But we are in Ciaro, Egypt. What is the timeframe exactly? The first overt sign that we may be in a more modern era comes from the mention of a bullet wound. Well OK, that could be any time from the 16th century forward. But when Ali turns out to be an Englishman and a serving British Army Officer, we are transported forward in time again to any time from the 1880s to about 1916. At this time, the ruler of Egypt was the Khedive, a Turkish Viceroy. I did wonder if your mention of Colonel Strickland had any basis in historical fact or literature, so I looked him up to try and get a handle on the temporal setting, and I did discover that a General Strickland who died between WW1 and WW2 had been a major in Egypt around the time of the Kalifa's uprising and the battle of Omdurman. There are numerous ficticious Stricklands in Adventure fiction too.

However, my minor temporal disorientation did not prevent me from enjoying this rather jolly tale, and I compliment you for your imagination and stamina in serving it up for our enjoyment. Great fun, Thanks.

Live and be well - H

Hawk, as is usual, you are correct. The time is completely unmentionable, unexplainable and unbelivable because there is no time! The era is all out of kilter, what ever kilter means.
There was even a time when I was stressing over giving Ali a revolver, or maybe a Webley (always wanted a Webley with a lanyard to wear around my neck and all). Then, after worrying about all the other details I just gave up and threw in the anachronistic towel.

I would like to thank any other readers who may have soldiered through the entire story, as it ran over my expected length. There was a point where I thought 6,000 and then stretched to 8,000 and when I got done it was 6 or 7words short of 13,000. If I could 'keep it up' three more times I could have a novella or novellette! Maybe I should do it? I dunno.

I mean, these two characters both on a boat together and heading towards the Sunda Strait on their way to Batavia-which is modern day Jakarta I think. I figure they arrrive and it's about 1883. So I've got two interesting characters that are ripe for a ship-board romance and maybe Asian pirates and all. They haven't even properly kissed yet! Will the "Little Princess" cave in and want to return to Egypt and the good life? Will Ali be able to turn from a life of adventure and daring-do to become a stable coffee planter with a bunch of stuck-up Dutchmen?

Maybe they should fall for each other in some steamy Sommerset Maugham location. Maybe Krakatoa should blow up and add instant drama to a scene that has more drama than an undeserved parking ticket! Maybe I should lay off the Columbian Supremo Coffee and go to bed and quit pitching my latest story idea.

Anyway, I thank all of you who saw this thing through. You're a brave lot of litnetters for sure.

Steven this is a good effort but there is still room for improvement. Your use of flowery language is excessive and prevents the story progressing at an enjoyable pace. You might like to read some of my short stories and try to emulate my use of pace control.

You're obviously new to creative writing, PM me whenever you need advice. Keep writing, you'll get there!

I'll keep that in mind. Now, on to other subjects. This thing was anachronistic as all get-out. But I figure if I change the revolver (was it a Webley? Always wanted a Webley and besides lanyards are so fashionable) and I change the Mauser reference to a musket with a long barrel and an ivory inlaid stock and all, it would back date the piece! Then I could supply pictures like these:

http://youtu.be/zvMHtoNyxKU

Get it? Words And Pictures! And no one gets hurt financially since Rimsky and Jean are both gone from the face of the earth. Would that make it, as my mother used to say, "All better?"

I mean it invokes the most famous woman story teller of all time Sheherazade herself! I wish the princess had been my mama (no offense Mom, you know I'm kidding. Don't slap me when I get to heaven) Then she could make me sleepy with all her great tales and all, and tuck me in.

Seriously!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bobbycrane

Steven this is a good effort but there is still room for improvement. Your use of flowery language is excessive and prevents the story progressing at an enjoyable pace. You might like to read some of my short stories and try to emulate my use of pace control.

You're obviously new to creative writing, PM me whenever you need advice. Keep writing, you'll get there!

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Are you published? I have been reading short stories lately. I want to learn writing by reading. Can you post the published titles? Thanks

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bobbycrane

Steven this is a good effort but there is still room for improvement. Your use of flowery language is excessive and prevents the story progressing at an enjoyable pace. You might like to read some of my short stories and try to emulate my use of pace control.

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Ego much?

Miyako 73- learning to write by reading has alot to commend it.

I wrote a short one once about that and here's a piece:

"Some people will read anything. Me, I don’t read just anything. I read the masters. The point is this. They’re so damn good, these masters, or Maestros of Letters, that even though their words and style are ancient, positively dusty in fact, their stories are still read today and at this exact moment in time, thousands are reading their stories. We must give these maestros their due and recognition.

Some who read English only read the English.

I’m getting two slices of generic bread out of the wrapper and placing on the cheap splintered plywood cutting board.

“You can never trust a translation anyway,” they argue. “There’s so many ways to interpret a word. Check a thesaurus. They can’t really be accurate all the time.”

I’m getting the generic strawberry jelly out of the fridge.


Well maybe. I really can’t say. But I can say this. Some of the foreign stuff is good. Good old foreign stuff anyway. Like Maupassant. Right now I’m into Maupassant. Not because I’m a Francophile, or because I’m stuck up. It’s because right now I’m stuck down. Poor as a church mouse so to speak. Whatever language you speak. I don’t even have a church. For how much they charge for this dump I call a home I should be renting a nice slice of heaven. But no. This is about a mile from Crime Compton, California, U.S.A.
So the words will not be exactly right in translation, but the characters, the characters share something with me. I felt it at once when I read the first page of The Necklace."

The piece goes on from there. The bold print is coinciding story that is interwoven with the first story (it's here on lit net and titled Guy and Me.)

The idea is that you read classics for the fact that even though they're old and the language is dated people read them anyway! Why is that?

Shakespeare is 1600's stuff! Maupassant was French and always a translation. Poe is dated and maudlin to say the least. Maugham is often too British! But all classic authors have something in common. They are still read today. To find out what makes them so good is something each one of us has to discover for ourselves. Since writing is art it often means something different to each person, but touches them all in one way or another. In one it's the dialogue or interaction between characters, in another it may be plot or wordsmanship or brillant descriptions that ring true as a bell. Each has it's own and just BECAUSE the language is dated it's used in unusual ways. Usage is often just fashion with words,and certain phrases go in and out of style.

It's probably a good thing new authors have egos. They need them when they start getting rejection slips!

I just want to thank any of you there that read this piece and to quote someone that once critiqued a piece of mine, "Keep writing!" It's another road to discovery.

You just read all you can and see what happens.