Funny quotes

One of my favorites for the witty wise crack is Dorothy Parker (1893 -1967)

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under the host.

Tell him I was too f**king busy - or vice versa.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw — I don't say she will, but she can.

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

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