Tough Love? Tough Luck!

I believe standards are the anchor that our children need. We have a zero tolerance of alcohol in our house. As a parent I must remind myself that it is not my duty to be a cool friend for my kids but to create a structured framework where they are clear on the limits. They don't have to like it either but it is there for a reason. None of their friends use our home to consume alcohol and I don't deal with melancholy or aggressive young adults as a result. I have heard the age old argument that they will just do it somewhere else and that might be true but even if I let my kids drink at home, they would in all probability drink elsewhere anyway and the only thing I would have given them is an extra place to get smashed which would make me a facilitating, abusive parent.

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Originally Posted by Delta40

I believe standards are the anchor that our children need. We have a zero tolerance of alcohol in our house. As a parent I must remind myself that it is not my duty to be a cool friend for my kids but to create a structured framework where they are clear on the limits. They don't have to like it either but it is there for a reason. None of their friends use our home to consume alcohol and I don't deal with melancholy or aggressive young adults as a result. I have heard the age old argument that they will just do it somewhere else and that might be true but even if I let my kids drink at home, they would in all probability drink elsewhere anyway and the only thing I would have given them is an extra place to get smashed which would make me a facilitating, abusive parent.

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Tough love is a good practice, and is appropriate for those kids who have never had a drink or tried a drug. Perhaps a policy like tough love will influence those kids and prevent them from ever taking a drink or drug. Maybe If they know your position, they won't ever try it.

But what about tough love after the fact? Suppose that despite your position, your child tried something at a party or at a friends house after school, or at the park or something. Suppose that child tried the wrong thing and just suppose that child developed a serious addiction (play along). suppose an addiction developed under your nose...maybe drugs came into play at an age you wouldn't expect (10 year old child from affluent family smokes pot with older kids, tries other things and winds up with a pain pill addiction - opiates maybe). Should tough love be applied in those situations? For example, suppose the child is an addict - do you put him/her in rehab or kick them out and let them fend for themselves on the street in the hopes that the reality of street life will bring them to their senses? Are parents more likely to employ "tough love" with boys than with girls? Maybe a son addicted to crack won't be as vulnerable on the streets as a girl would? Just curious - opinions?

Tough love has to be defined. It doesn't mean abandoning your child and kicking them to the kerb so they're out in the world alone. Despite the difficulties they may find themselves in a parent applying tough love has the courage to make those hard decisions, trusting (sometimes hoping) that their integrity is what will win the day. A child addict is in serious need of help but that doesn't mean a parent should facilitate harmful practices or remove consequences from the list of parental responsibilities. You make it sound as if tough love means no love when that is really not the case.

I agree with FifthElement. How is he supposed to learn responsibility if he's not allowed to make his own experiences? When I was 17 I had an older boy friend who didn't have honourable intentions (neither did I, for that matter). But guess what? I'm still alive. And what's more, I consider it an extremely valuable experience because it taught me that I don't want this kind of relationship and helped me form a very clear idea of what it is that I do want in a relationship.
Anyway, why are we even assuming that he is ruining his life or whatever? From what it says in the article, he's become a better swimmer because his girl friend pushes him to train harder. Surely, that's a good thing. Apart from that, we don't know anything about their relationship, so why do we need to jump to the conclusion that he's making a mistake? That seems a bit prejudiced and alarmist to me. Moreover, if the legal age of consent in NZ is 16, then his parents don't have any right whatsoever to interfere in his relationship. If he wanted to go out with an 80 y/o granny, there'd be nothing they could do about it. I suppose there are good reasons to argue that the age of consent should be 18, but that's a separate issue altogether.

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Originally Posted by Delta40

I believe standards are the anchor that our children need. We have a zero tolerance of alcohol in our house.

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See, I think that's a bad idea. I mean, a really counterproductive idea. Because, at some point, every kid is put in a position where they might get very very drunk - and when a kid first finds himself in that position, it really helps him to know a bit about how to deal with alcohol responsibly and measuredly.

The kid in the group who ends up dangerously inebriated tends not to be the kid who has been taught to handle alcohol, just as he's been taught to handle a breadknife, an electric drill and an approach from a predatory weirdo.

All you can do is love them, bring them up to cope with life, and let them go. The last part is the hardest. I suspect this is what the 17 year old's parents found difficult.

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Originally Posted by MarkBastable

See, I think that's a bad idea. I mean, a really counterproductive idea. Because, at some point, every kid is put in a position where they might get very very drunk - and when a kid first finds himself in that position, it really helps him to know a bit about how to deal with alcohol responsibly and measuredly.

The kid in the group who ends up dangerously inebriated tends not to be the kid who has been taught to handle alcohol, just as he's been taught to handle a breadknife, an electric drill and an approach from a predatory weirdo.

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That is true.

I think an awful lot of alcohol problems might be reversed if parents showed their kids that alcohol can be enjoyable without getting blind drunk.