pulverize

Yes, the business about her Mom was a bit intrusive and irrelevant. The tragedy would have taken place whether she had a Mom to stat with or not, but that's a very minor point contrasted with the sadness of the poem and the dignity with which it's conveyed.

thanks Prince. I changed the part about her mom, and went back to an earlier version of the ending.

Hm. I liked it better the first time! I should have said something before you changed it. :(

Prince you are my 2nd on my list of favorite poems on here, but in this case I disagree with you. Of course the poem is still good, but it better originally. So often the first draft is best.

oooohhhhh I'm losing my touch...

let's see what Jerry has to say when he returns from rehab.

do you still have the original version?

what rehab is he in?

yes I kept a copy of the first one.

the same one Sponge Bob went to.

haha, really glad you do. I recommend you change it back to its original -- and I am really sorry I didn't say this sooner, the first one was perfect as it is -- and then put the updated version just in a later post...

good idea. The original version is restored in the first post. Here's the revised version. (you guys are so hard to please :p)

pulverize


she's going to stay with mom
every daughter does
when they leave
their husbands
but that won’t work for her
her mom died long before

he is ALL
she’s got

she checked into Hudson
an off Broadway boutique hotel
where its cocktail lounge floats
psychedelically on a lit glass floor

between ironed bedsheets
she felt around for him
she starts to panick

she can’t breathe
without him

so it became clear
crystal clear...

tomorrow
she will check out at noon
or when the meds wear off
whichever comes first

tomorrow
she will take the E train
go ten stops downtown

tomorrow
when he gets off work
she will be there
in the lobby
where they first met
going up ninety-eight floors

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him

tomorrow
she would know
there will be
no tomorrow

and she will have
no body

but she didn’t know that
when she fell asleep
just before midnight
on September tenth
two thousand one

Oh... wonderful, now we've still got the first one.

Basically, the first part seems a lot more powerful in your original version. And I like the rest of it better, I wouldn't change anything. I think on this one your first instincts were perfect. Thanks for putting the original version back up!! :)

ah, don't know how to say it... but just that the first one sounds perfect, it's your voice, and especially the first two stanzas are perfect, deep feeling and powerful - and the other one is crippled, and doesn't sound half as good, it doesn't have the purity and force of the first one, which is your voice completely and is perfect for that reason.

yeah, I did feel the second one lost some of its edge too although it gained some subtlety. I guess there's always a trade off...Thanks for weighing in Nik.

Beautiful poem, Haunted...I think this is one of your finest. I like the idea and how you expressed it. Your poems are always so effective. Keep writing!

"Bar, I know I know! It was a subtle but punchy ending originally, but then I wasn't sure if that's clear enough without talking about the desvastation. Let me look at it again. Thanks for pointing that out!!"

Is it the one you posted as second here, the original you mentioned to me? Then yes, much better, though I'd still suggest to lose the last S (wordy) and to trust that the reader understand with just an allusion. Also, I'd separate the two parts, N telling about her decisions re tomorrow, and the knowledge N reveals to the reader re tomorrow.

Just a try, if you allow:

tomorrow
she will walk into him
melt into him

........

tomorrow
she would know
there will be
no tomorrow

and she will have
no body

but now she fell asleep
comforted,
into nine/eleven.

this or some other clue (there is one already in "98 floors up")

Finally, I'm also hesitant about S1. You could start the poem with S starting:
"She checked into..."
and place
"he's all
she's got"
right after "...without him" (I wouldn't capitalize "all").

I hope this is helpful, and as usual - please feel free to toss, yours is the last voice, it's your poem!
Enjoyed.
Best.

Actually Haunted, on the whole I think this is a pretty good poem, although I would drop the itallicised lines as they read like sub headings and disrupt the flow of the piece.

Best H

Haunted, I liked the revision but I still prefer the original, it is more raw and "of the moment". And I also think it is one of your very best, which given the quality overall, speaks volumes. Thanks.

Bar, your ideas are solid but in this particular case it actually needs to reference 9/11. Not everyone knows what floors the plane hit. And despite subway/compass directions, no one really can pinpoint it as NYC, but even then they may not make the connection to the Twin Towers. Even my friend who lives across the stateline didn't get it the first time until I told her to re-read the last stanza. Some transparency is necessary, or else it gets lost as some tragic event that involves a building but didn't convey the horror that not only was he killed, he was pulverized. And that she was left with no body in every sense of the word.




Hawk, thanks so much for your kind comment and feedback. The itals tell a story within story, it's also the heart of the poem and in a way it's independent of the events of 9/11. it's a standalone.

he is ALL
she’s got

=

she can’t breathe
without him

=

she will have
no body





ah, now I remember why it says mom died when she was sixteen, it's not just something shoved in there to evoke sympathy. For sympathy I would add the word "just" — mom died when she was just sixteen, but that wasn't what I wanted to say and I made it as a matter of fact. What its saying is, until he came along years later, her life is a void left by her mother when she died. Thats how central he is in her life.