Changing Horizons

Don't doubt yourself, there is creativity to be sure. I might suggest some work on the structure. White space, paragraphs and paragraph indentations, these conventions make it easier to read. Reading by computer is difficult enough for me, at least, so that might help.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Beautifull

I'm doubting the power of my creativity...

---

Do not, I repeat, do not!!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PeterL

Your creativity is not at issue. People don't usually comment on the works of strangers, unless there is some incentive. Join a critiquing group and you will get more comments than you can stand.

---

This is true, and I will add that some comments might not be made politely.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by EJMathews

Don't doubt yourself, there is creativity to be sure. I might suggest some work on the structure. White space, paragraphs and paragraph indentations, these conventions make it easier to read. Reading by computer is difficult enough for me, at least, so that might help.

---

This is a good suggestion to be considered.


Don't give up, Beaut. Keep posting your creations. Eventually, people will read and comment. It just takes some time. Be patient, and insist :) :thumbsup:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by EJMathews

Don't doubt yourself, there is creativity to be sure. I might suggest some work on the structure. White space, paragraphs and paragraph indentations, these conventions make it easier to read. Reading by computer is difficult enough for me, at least, so that might help.

---

Thanks!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Maximilianus

Do not, I repeat, do not!!!


Don't give up, Beaut. Keep posting your creations. Eventually, people will read and comment. It just takes some time. Be patient, and insist :) :thumbsup:

---

Aww....Thank you! I'm glad to have a supporting and encouraging friend like you.

And Peter of course. He's the one who's read and edited. Thank you too, Peter. You've been a BIG help to me! :p

Welcome! http://smiles.kolobok.us/personal/hi.gif
One good day you'll be doing this: http://smiles.kolobok.us/user/kuzya_01.gif

:)

Aw thanks!

this is a really nice love story. I can see you put a lot of time and effort into it. good work. thanks for sharing and please write some more!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by breathtest

this is a really nice love story. I can see you put a lot of time and effort into it. good work. thanks for sharing and please write some more!

---

Thanks so much. :) I'm glad you liked it. And Though the revising took days, I'm surprised the story itself only took three hours to write. :D Writing's sure one way to relieve stress!

And of course I will write more, just for my readers to read more. ;)

Aw, still not many comments after so long...

Ok, you asked for comments so allow me to make a few critical points.

1) a enjoyable story, well-written considering it’s a lurve story (where pretty much anything goes)

2) the plot is interesting, and has enough intrigue to make the reader want to continue right to the end – though I did find the ‘rich stockbroker father’ rather hard to swallow and totally unnecessary for the plot (?)

3) the dialogue works well – but you need to make it clearer who is speaking when. The rule of starting a brand new paragraph whenever the speaker changes no matter how long or short their speech is a good one to follow (think of your poor readers)

4) a couple of other issues – but nothing major :

Quote:

---

I stood and looked out at the horizon. I could keep chasing it, and I wouldn't ever run into him. That's because where he was, I couldn't go. He would never be able to talk to me. The rain started falling, and yet, I didn't move my hands from the rail protecting me from falling down into the vicious crashing waves below me. It's nature seemed to reflect the inner turmoil in my own body. The vast, unmerciful waves crashing against my heart was pain, and it doubled and doubled, until, my tears mixed with the rain.

---

the word 'falling' appearing twice so close is a bit lazy,
and the underlined sentence is unnecessary - you don't need to tell the reader how you felt when you do such a good job of showing in the sentence that follows.

Quote:

---

. "Jeez. Are you trying to kill yourself?!" The voice was unfamiliar also. I didn't answer. I wouldn't be living after a while, so why did I care?

---

underlined section a bit clumsy - 'I had no intention of living much longer' might be better.

Quote:

---

The sea woke me the next day. Where I was was somewhat uncomfortable, but there was a warmth, halfway on me, halfway on the side of me. something was wrapped around my shoulders

---

I suggest you reword the underlined bit - it's very difficult to picture. Of course, you could leave it out.

Quote:

---

This was the first time I ever doubted one of my scenes

---

again, hard to comprehend. Do you mean 'had cause to distrust one of my visions' ?

Quote:

---

Lee made no effort to quietly conversate.

---

I think you mean 'converse'.... or 'Lee made no effort at quiet conversation'.

and my pet hate

Quote:

---

I laid in my bed,

---

unless you were in the act of laying an egg I'm assuming you meant 'I lay in my bed'.

So - overall an original piece of story-telling on a topic that has been covered so many times that it's difficult for anyone to come up with something fresh. I particularly liked the way you described Lee - with eyes as clear as Puerto Rican seawater.

well done

H

Oh, I can't thank you so much H, this is exactly what I needed. I really enjoyed the criticism to my story because no one wants to tell what's wrong with my story. Thank you so much!!! I shall take ALL of that into consideration. :D
~B