Eight lines Deploring the Sea

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Originally Posted by MorpheusSandman

Well, one thing I've taken notice of in your poetry is a tendency towards fairly even line lengths often divided equally evenly in two; usually by punctuation. I can do this almost entirely for this piece:

Some have whimpered; || some have sung;
some have gone to || the edge of the sea
and tried to lift it up, || like a rumpled duvet
after a restless night, || to lift it up
and resettle it, || on a hopefully tranquil bed.

But the sea is engaged || with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea || is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.

So the final "half line" is probably what makes it seem incomplete. This isn't necessarily criticism but observation because it could definitely be an intended technique. As Virgil said, your poetry is unusually subtle and often I don't get it on anything but a superficial level the first 2 or 3 times I read it so many my reaction against that last line was actually intended and, therefor, successful.

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Course I'd then have to change the title, but what the aitch, I think I'll try it that way. Thanks...

With apologies to blnk_vrz who made the same suggestion but with regards to the 2nd stanza alone.

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Originally Posted by qimissung

I adore it; i love the mysterious element and the elemental nature of it. I especially love the line "the mother of the sea is a god in torment..." It's fate to be ceaselessly tomented, it would appear.

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Many thanks, dear friend. Do you have the time to look at the revision I made per Morpheus' suggestion?

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Originally Posted by Virgil

I'm in agreement. What also fascinates me about this is the the way it starts in a song rhythm and then extends away from it. I think it captures the sea's immensity that way. The sea shore is traditiuonally perceived as rhythmic but the sea is so much more than the shore and so huge that it's really not rhythmic. I don't know if I'm making sense or even if I'm reading too much into it.

I have to say Prince, you have crafted an art that is so individualistic and honed down that subtleties like I mentioned just stand out so. You say so much with form.

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Many thanks, Virgil. I hope I have not diminished your perception of a songlike rhythm by adopting the shorter lines recommended, in part, by blnk_vrz and in the whole of the poem as suggested by Morpheus.

Your appreciation of the "honed down" quality of my writing is very much what I aim for and will likely continue to do.

Actually, Prince, it does read better this way. I wonder why that is? I love the duvet metaphor, too.The whole thing just brings the ocean to life.

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

Many thanks, Virgil. I hope I have not diminished your perception of a songlike rhythm by adopting the shorter lines recommended, in part, by blnk_vrz and in the whole of the poem as suggested by Morpheus.

Your appreciation of the "honed down" quality of my writing is very much what I aim for and will likely continue to do.

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You're welcome. You know, I liked it better the other way. The longer lines gave me the feel of the immensity of the ocean. I think you kind of lost that. That short ending line was also brilliant. There is no need for a balanced form. The unbalance is actually very suggestive as well. What was the rationale for the shift?

This is such an interesting piece from a formal perspective because now having read it in the altered version I agree with both quimi and Virgil. It does "read better", and it yet it does seem as if you've lost the effect of those long lines. I no longer get the sense of incompleteness from that last line but I'm debating with myself as to whether what's gained is worth what's lost. It might be better just to compose the final stanza that way since I think the first was perfectly balanced anyway.

That's why it's sometimes better to trust your instincts. Change it back, Prince, or at least put the original in here somewhere.

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Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin

Some have whimpered;
some have sung;
some have gone
to the edge of the sea
and tried to lift it up,
like a rumpled duvet
after a restless night,
to lift it up
and resettle it,
on a hopefully tranquil bed.

But the sea is engaged
with its own temperament.
The mother of the sea
is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal.

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Good personification and verification

I'm glad I did see this in its original form. I just did not have time to respond then.

I like the original much better. Breaking it makes the pauses too long.

Virgil was correct about the rythmn and the broken form takes away from that.

I have one criticism for the last line:

"The mother of the sea is a god in torment.
The sea is an animal."

I read this as "The mother of the sea is a god in torment, but the sea is an animal.

With making it a compound sentence using "but" you make the last line refer back to the first line of the last stanza ("But the sea is engaged with its own temperament."). This clarifies the devolution (or at least difference) of the sea from godlike origins as you state.

I really like this poem. It's a sailor's poem.