Seabird's Short Stories

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Originally Posted by pbmn

I like it still, but I do prefer the first version (even if I have heard similar writing before). It was more... you. This one seems to be too forced, a little more unrealistic (yes, even more so than meeting a ghost!) Maybe give some more insight on Jill, help us to know her because obviously Bill is not the main character, he is only the vessel showing us Jill. And when I say tell us more about her, don't give just her basics/biography, give her feelings. Make us like her as much as Bill does. If you have any more, I would love to read them.

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Cool. I really could expand this to a 20 page story, a novella even, but I just don't have that time.

Right now, I'm writing essays, which come so much easier for me. I remember a lot of crap...

Seabird, I don't agree with pbm at all. The description of Jill was just perfect. The point wasn't to beautify Jill as the new Sandrella, or to make a new version of Romeo and Juliet, but to illustrate that humane deep touch, which is very well presented at the end of the story through Bill's reaction to the obituary. He's so mad and angry that it's so small for a person he knew only in a coffee chat, and yet meant so much to him already. It shows how greatly we are affected by each other. I thought the ending was clever, emotional and sad.


The second point is totally off subject, but allow me to say it, seabird.
Your avy is so annoying.

See, the ending is one of the aspects of your second edition that only hindered it, in my opinion. It was too obvious, too corny (stuff like that happens a lot, and if you are trying to make a point, catch us with something new/fresh). We're obligated to our opinions, and that is the best thing about literature: there's always more than one view.

Also, the other reason I disliked the ending was because, well, it was very abrupt; like you wanted to finish it because you were tired of writing. I understand it's a short story, and maybe it is just an element to the message of your story, but it left to many loose-ends. That's a pet-peeve of mine, but if it is purposely ended so, then no complaints from me.

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Originally Posted by Taima

Seabird, I don't agree with pbm at all. The description of Jill was just perfect. The point wasn't to beautify Jill as the new Sandrella, or to make a new version of Romeo and Juliet, but to illustrate that humane deep touch, which is very well presented at the end of the story through Bill's reaction to the obituary. He's so mad and angry that it's so small for a person he knew only in a coffee chat, and yet meant so much to him already. It shows how greatly we are affected by each other. I thought the ending was clever, emotional and sad.


The second point is totally off subject, but allow me to say it, seabird.
Your avy is so annoying.

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Wow. I've never had someone like it so much :D! That really made my day.

As for the avatar, what can I say? I love South Park.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pbmn

See, the ending is one of the aspects of your second edition that only hindered it, in my opinion. It was too obvious, too corny (stuff like that happens a lot, and if you are trying to make a point, catch us with something new/fresh). We're obligated to our opinions, and that is the best thing about literature: there's always more than one view.

Also, the other reason I disliked the ending was because, well, it was very abrupt; like you wanted to finish it because you were tired of writing. I understand it's a short story, and maybe it is just an element to the message of your story, but it left to many loose-ends. That's a pet-peeve of mine, but if it is purposely ended so, then no complaints from me.

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That's somewhat how I wanted to end it, yes.

"Mum's the word".;) Overall, very nice stories.

Danke.

:D.

I've got a tad bit of writer's block here...