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Oookay...there's something spooky goin on here, because even though you went for a different tone than you're last story, I still voted for this one...and I voted for your first one...does this say something about me? you? both?
I bet if you write a book of short stories I'd buy it :) lol
Haha, I guess so. Perhaps you find yourself mysteriously gravitating towards me in general. :brow: Or maybe you just have excellent taste. :cool:
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Or both? gasp! :goof: lol
I'll claim the "excellent taste"... :D
Maybe next elimination, you can prove yourself three-for-three...
Don't worry, Scher, I'm not going to tell her anything about which one.
you have a talent Robin . Do your best to develop it and I hope to see you one of those famouse writers one day. Well , at leat your famouse here,right? good job.one thing to remeber all thrugh your life,criticism leads us to be better .
Aww, thanks, tenderness (may I call you tenderness?). I'm doing my best, I'm hoping to get published for real someday. I'm glad you liked the story (I assume you like it) -- any advice or suggestions?
naa, how can I advice someone writes that well :)just do not make anyone knowledge discourage your eagerness towards writing,I met many of the sort , and then you end up saying what the hell I was doin!
call me tender ,that'll be easier:)
Hmmmm,
Robin, you seem to be foreshadowing the later suicide a little bit in this passage...or so it seemed to me. Eve does come across as a very moody person, perhaps narcissistic as well. David seems like an immature teen, very eager for sex, but not so much for intimacy. Interesting story. :)Quote:
Eve suddenly lost her balance— the assets I had so admired before being the likely culprits— and began to tip forward. Grabbing her round the waist, I pulled her back with a shout of warning. She peered frighteningly deeply in my eyes as my voice crying “LOOK OUT!!” came echoing back.
Yeah, I meant it as foreshadowing just a little bit, I hoped. I wanted the incident to both establish that the fall was undeniably deadly and also to set up David and Eve's little...liaison.
Hehe, I'm glad you liked it. David is supposed to be a little immature, but in an adult sort of way, meaning he takes certain things very seriously.
Updated the version -- dunno if much is different, though.
Actually, Robin, the update may have lost some of the original's "spark." But the end is absolutely great. A suggestion would be to work from the end and go from there. Your ending is magical and tremendous. It opens more questions than it answers and that is what makes it great. Now, go back and bury hints in the text before the ending, that may make the reader turn the way you might want them to think, or leave clues that could be taken several ways. Add mystery to the mystery.
Pen. :thumbs_up
Thanks very much, Pendragon. My apologies for being so pushy about the critiquing, but I wouldn't ask if I didn't value your opinion.
May I ask which changes you didn't like? I need to get into the habit of saving drafts separately :blush:...
Well, tell the truth, I'm not really sure what it was. I just know that when I read the original, there was something that caught my attention early in the story that seems to be missing now, but I couldn't say what it is for certain. I do know that I wouldn't change anything about that ending, that is a cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers! But I would drop subtle hints that could mean anything or nothing from the moment the two meet. I'm apologize for not being any more help, but I would have to compare the two copys to see what I thought went the wrong way. But you can write, bro. Make no mistake. You can write! :thumbs_up
really great story there! The first thing that came to my mind were the characters. Their actions reveal them to be quite something. but you dont seem to describe with great depth like you did a little of in these last posts.
hey our Robin, I've just reread your story.
As I've said before, I liked it a lot but there are also some weak points... Let's blame them on the eeeeevil 2000 word limit, OK?
:lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Robinhood3000
To be honest, David is a real jerk (in my humble opinion), but don't get me wrong: it's a very funny and enjoyable description of a jerk, very well-written. :) (er, this is not a weak point actually)
About Eve, I agree with PL and Virgil that the suicide is a little out-of-the-blue/melodramatic. But then, I don't really know what else you could do about Eve...
Maybe you could add a few lines where the guy speculates about her character or why she did it? Now that you're no longer tied to the 2,000 word limit you could also characterize her in more detail?
which takes me back to David being a jerk...Quote:
Originally Posted by Robinhood3000
*long ramble ahead, I'll try to be coherent, though*
Well, you said David is immature but takes certain things very seriously.
Maybe you can make that a bit clearer. I mean, obviously, the bloke is haunted by his "accursed memory". So it's quite clear that he takes some things seriously.
On the other hand, the ending seems to indicate that he got arrested because the police thought he raped and murdered Eve or something?
Which means, he's probably in prison/or at least had his reputation tarnished at the time he tells the story?
----> his taking her suicide seriously could amount to whining about his situation rather than wondering about why she did it/ being shocked about her suicide/suicide in general.
----> is this story intended to be about
a) David whining about how stupid he was and how sleeping with Eve landed him in trouble?
or
b) David caring about things and trying to figure out how it could happen?
The fact that he is a bit jerky tips the balance in favour of a) in my very humble opinion, because he's not a character one can easily sympathise with 100%.
Well, I suppose it all depends on what you intend the story to be about.
The way you wrote it, the whole atmosphere of the story struck me as a bit dreamy/surreal. It's definitely a great mystery story and a very good read. If it was intended to be that, there's no need to make changes. :)
But if you wanted it to be about "suicide is terrible" or "it's hard to tell what makes a person commit suicide" or "David takes certain things very seriously" you'd have to bring that out more clearly and add more explanations about the characters (make David less jerky and Eve more of a rounded character).