haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…
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haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…
Wherefore art thou?
You posted!!! So good to read you again. Welcome back. Love the metaphor of longing for the blizzard. The closing line of S1 .. should it be too rather than to or is it s question? You have an individual style Haunted. Post more often. Clink.
Hawk, thanks for taking the time to help with a few bad usages, as always!! I knew it but didnt spend the time to think it through, counting on Hawk to help out :). I got the corrections, except for "would". It started out talking about weather and future snow, hence, "will" as future tense. But the piece transitioned to a wish dependent on an unpredictable weather event, that's when I wrote "would" instead. I knew the grammar police will frown, but just wanted to convey that thought with conditional. Really pleased the piece still works for you, despite these little spots.
Dieter, so glad you actually pointed out the snow angels. As soon as I posted I was wondering perhaps I didn't need that stanza, but left it in to see if anyone says something. Definitely not touching it now. Thanks!
Jerry, it's always a '48 party when you post here! That line was just poorly written. I'm starting to think grammatically challenged is my style lol. Clink.
Haunted, your postings are few and far between. But as Spencer Tracy once remarked to Kate Hepburn about her slim figure: "There's not much there, but what's there is 'cherce.' " (Choice.)
As to "Late Winter," it reminds me of that fabulous song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside." I just did an online search and found it was written by the great Frank Loesser! I should have known.
Anyway, what that song and your latest poem do is pose cold weather, a winter storm, as a convenient excuse for a little romance. I always thought a soft snowfall was beautiful, but this year? Enough is enough. Be that as it may, I think your narrator wants one last snowstorm so she can have another session with her lover, right?
A witty -- and warm(!) -- little wistful piece.
Shoot some more of your bon mots our way.
Auntie
Fantastic! Love the bit about the snow angels.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
That's a very nice quote there Auntie, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. I didn't know that song but looked it up, enjoyed its music and construct. To your question, RIGHT! I don't write nature poems all that well anyways, so always some allusions. Ahh, talking about snow, I woke up to a white dusting a few days ago; temps got seasonal for 2 days and now it's freezing again. When is it going to end?
Qim, so pleased you love the snow angels! I'll send a few down to you for next winter (I think now we are ready for some spring action)
I think Spencer Tracy was attempting to be humorous with a Brooklyn accent: "cherce" for "choice." Either way, it describes your "stuff."Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
More, please!
I got the "choice" reference, but totally missed the Brooklyn accent! The worst!!! lol
After 4/15… Bet you know why….Quote:
More, please!
contract negotiations
if I lower the corner
of your business card
into the little tealight
will the pulp
flare in indignation
or will it singe and subside
like this slow dancing
through obscure overwrought jargon
and your nervous uncontrollable tics
would my hair catch fire
if I leant over to kiss you
would the terms of agreement
be nude and void
would it be better if you used "leant over" in s3? I didn't mind the present tense when giving your poem a first read, but during the thrid reading, I stumbled over it… and am still not sure. "leant" WOULD sound grammatically better, I guess. Other than that, you had me there. I dunno how you did it because you didn't describe neither a location nor physical characterictics nor anything, it's all very subdued & minimalist (haunted-ish, I'd say), but I heard music, saw you two dancing ever so slowly… and the song "Private Dancer" came to mind (as well as—go figure why, even I don't understand—the B.E. Ellis-novel "American Psycho").
Hi Haunt. S2 is stalling the flow a bit. The last two lines of this stanza aren't working for me. They don't flow from what comes before. The 'but' is the biggest problem. However, these lines feel superfluous to me, a digression... Going nowhere. Consequently they sap some of the energy from the poem. I'd also be inclined to put the line break before beyond...
"beyond disclaimers
and obscure jargon"
The words flow better like this. Apart from that. Cracking little piece!
Live and be well - H
hi Dieter, I'm never getting the conditional tenses right, sigh. Thanks for the correction. I'm afraid you gave me more credit than I deserved. I wish I could claim your lovely interpretation of the dance and music, you are a true romantic! But it is about something much more mundane. I used the urban meaning of "slow dancing" to convey a business negotiation not advancing, and the inevitable tension… I tweaked it to make it a little more clear. Thanks!
Hi Haunted. I might remove the "but" and then make the last two stanza one (maybe). And maybe add an "or" as in "or would my hair catch fire..."
I really like it. But after reading your response to Dieter I'm not sure what it's about. I thought it was about two people who cannot decide whether to move forward in a relationship in some way-maybe it's just a date and he can't decide whether to kiss the girl or not? Whichever, it's a nicely moody little piece.
haunted, well, I stand corrected, too, as to what you wanted to express :-) anyway, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't have tweaked anything at all; what I like in a poem is that I can read it twice, thrice, a thousand times, and discover something new each time (new music, new meanings, etc.). so don't make things clear, gal, for God's sake! And do not tweak! I for one am a fan of yours whenever you choose to appear "untweaked" :-) (not that the tweaked version is not good, but now that's the haunted-fan talking, and we won't have any more flattering, now, will we?)
I liked the last two lines about the terms of agreement.
Hawk, you called it, I was having mega problems with that stanza. Felt the same way about going nowhere, it's redundant after slow dancing, basically saying the same thing twice. Tightened the whole stanza. Hope that improved it… Thanks for the comment :=)
Qim, I'm glad you liked it, despite its many flaws. It's really just a trashy piece about two strangers in a business relationship that turns personal during the course of a dinner meeting. Trying to capture the strange dynamics in contentious negotiations and the kind of tension that arises. And yes, tried to create a mood too. At least that one worked, phew! I took out "but", actually changed the stanza quite a bit. The hair stanza is supposed to come out of nowhere, so just going to make it stand without a connector. Your input is solid, many thanks, AND it's really great to see you around more now!
Dieter, I most certainly listen to everything you have to say! In many cases my subjects are quite specific, so if people reading it are confused, then I must rewrite. I think it's better now, based on your comment and others', I knew what to tweak. Ohhhh did you say fan? Wowy! Must say it's mutual, I'm quite a fan of yours as well and it pleases me when I see a new D posting so keep them coming!
Dear Y/N, so nice that you graced this thread, your comment is much appreciated!
Sublime Haunted. You don't post much these days but when you do its always worth the wait. You have developed a theme of relationships and usually their dark side and you play them out in metaphor and romance, here through burning business cards and a contrast of self hatred and the hatred of the would be suitor along side the burning of romance itself whilst also being hopelessly romantic in its telling. Love it.
JB, so kind! I made more changes since your commented. Hope it still works for you. Clink x
stranded
even when I haven't
gotten out of the chair
since we last spoke
and life has
abruptly stopped
my hair continues to grow
eclipsing my face
behind the frozen mask
there is a budding thought
of you bending down
and lifting a strand
out of the left eye
Flawless, Spooky. So good to read you again.
Live and be well - H
I haven't learnt much. Who does? But I have learnt that Haunted posting something new is a litnet treat more than it deserves. You put so much into so few words. I love your writing .
didn't see yesterday that my dear haunted has "haunted" this place again! And I second Jerrybaldy: shouldn't have missed your entry yesterday; am glad I came back to discover this little gem. hope all's well with you, h. :-)
Bump. A big bump. Not one of those little bumps. Oh no. A big one. On merit
Hawk, Jerry and Dieter, so glad to come back and be greeted with such lovely comments. Makes me want to hang around again!
Didn't know you were back! I like the concluding couplet in #740.
Don't be a stranger.
Always love your writing, your last one is a gift, Haunted. Thank you. Hope to read more of you soon... Best from Bar
Uhm, just for the record, there's a whole book of Haunted Poetry you can find on amazon. Don't know this forum's policy re. ads for fellow writers' books, so suffice it to say that you only have to look for a certain Calyna Haunt: "unrequited". Yep, that's our LitNet h! Her book's a gem, like all of the poems in this thread. Just wanted to let you know…
Will buy it. Thanks Dieter
Auntie, YES glad you are too, NO I won't be... at least I'll try not to be. Really thrilled you found something good in there, thanks!
Bar, what a treat! Missed you and hope to see more of you here. Warm thoughts going your way.
tra la la D & Jer you guys just made my day! xoxoxoxoxo
high rise
I know it
you are stuck again
in an elevator
going sideways
until you unstuck
I’ll stretch out
on the ledge
the way you stretch
the truth
Sorry Haunted, I missed this when you posted it. As always, a succinct and and minimalist piece, expressing much in few words. You might want to address S2 L1 though, as there seems to be a typo: "you're" rather than "you," perhaps.
Always good to see an offering from you.
Live and be well - H
Yes, I second Hackman, good piece again! I didn't see where H. had noticed the mistake—I took "stuck" for a past participle at first and found it perfectly normal to create the verb "unstuck". Then, after some mulling (2 seconds at least), I realized the present tense would have to be "stick", which I found odd, too. And after looking up this word that I thought I knew perfectly well, I found out "stuck" (as used in "to get/to be stuck") was an adjective. So of course, in straight grammar terms, "unstuck" as a verb is not possible. Yet, as everybody knows, "straight" is not what characterizes me best (lol), so I have to confess I rather like the oddness of "unstuck". Or should you use "unstick"?
This is the best occasion, too, to thank you, Haunted, for having commented on my latest poem (the title of which i've even forgotten, but you do remember the "whatever day", I guess). Didn't find the time to answer and say thanks.
And at the same time, I'd like to wish you and Hawkman and Auntie and all my other LitNet-friends and -acquaintances wonderful holidays, a merry Xmas to those who are concerned (wouldn't want to anger my non-Christian friends) and a happy, happy New Year!
the man in the red suit
the mall closes
and I catch up with Santa
wish for a small gift
a little happiness
he says its elusive
for people like us
the boxes always arrive
torn or crushed
he says he is Greg
we dance to silent night
eggnog on his fake beard
gets in my hair
Haunted! It's been more than a year... But here you make a triumphant return with this little seasonal gem. Your expression is as crisp as ever. Good to see you posting. Don't be a stranger :)
Nice poem about Santa. The receivable gifts are those able to be given.
Hawk, couldn't believe it's been that long. So good you're here with your usual insightful comments.
Y/N, thanks for the comment, and so well put. Did make me think deeper into the idea of giving.
Really appreciated both your comments.
That is a little gem, Haunted, short, crisp, with a slightly skewed point of view-pure Haunted!
Oh yes, jeez, time's a-fleetin'… but glad I took a glimpse online only to stumble upon your gem. I second all the other opinions: pure Haunted, Haunted-style :-) xo
Qim, thanks for the kind words, just what I needed to get started on the next one. Have a happy new year and come back soon.
Dieter, thanks and please take more glimpses in the new year, cheers! xoxo