Tell Me A Joke

[QUOTE][QUOTE=higley]Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"

Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.
Higley
This year I just met a friend who went to Ohio State and she is vicious when it comes to Michigan. I didn't realize how passionate this rivalry was until this past fall when the two teams had their annual meeting. She sent me a whole series of these jokes.

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Originally Posted by higley

Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"

Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.

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Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress twenty-two players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.

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Last one, I swear :) You may not understand it unless you're more familiar with the OSU/Michigan programs and rivalry:

Lloyd carr was on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prayed for inspiration. He looked to the heavens and said, "God, what play should I call?"

God answered, "Throw a flat pass to the right." Lloyd called the play and it was intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looked to the heavens and said, "God, why did you call that play?"

God paused and said, "Hey Woody, why did we call that play?"

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haha!! That's funny I've always heard those jokes a little differently! Kinda like this:

"What are the first words a successful Ohio State Graduate would say?

Welcome to McDonalds can I take your order? "

or

"How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?

Pay them for the pizza."

Some other mathematician jokes:

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are given the following information: two people go into a house and after some amount of time, three come out. How would you comment?

The bioligist: Ah, they procreated!
The physicist: It must be a mistake of measurement.
The mathematician: If one person would go inside now, the house would be empy again!

*

Once the science faculty needed some costly equipment and the dean of the faculty went to the universitys' administration to scrounge some money.
"Listen," didn't the prorector understand. "Why do you need so much money? Take the mathematicians as your models - they only need paper, pens/pencils and paperbins. Or the philosphers - they need only pens and paper"

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The crocodile theorem:

Theorem: Every crocodile is more wide than long.
Proof: Let's take an arbitrary corcodile. We need two lemmas for this proof.

Lemma 1: Crocodile is more wide than green.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside - it is green and wide. Now let's look at the crocodile from below - it is wide but not green - so the lemma 1 is proven.

Lemma 2: Crocodile is more green than long.
Proof: Let's look at the crocodile from upside again. The crocodile is green both lengthways and widthways but the crocodile is long only lengthways - the lemma 2 is proven.

The proof of the theorem originates from these lemmas.

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Problem: Crocodile A is 6 metres long from head to tail How long is it from tail to head?

Answer: 1 metre. We solve the problem using analogy with a known problem. There are six days from Monday to Sunday, but one day from Sunday to Monday.

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This joke is about a statician that drowned in a river that was 1 metre deep on average.

Since my 15th wedding aniversary will be coming up in a few months, I thought this was funny.

Marriage Counseling


A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I golf."

Virgil, the rivalry really is pretty vicious :D Red Sox/Yankees got nothing on us. Here's a few more :P

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General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie. The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?"

After a moment, the genie says, "Let me see that map again."

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Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

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papayahead: yea, I've heard those too, 'cept they go the other way around. :D

Great fun words! I've seen some of these in past years but some are new, at least to me. I've always loved "seagull manager," quite appropriate around where I work.

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NEW WORDS FOR 2006: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace ....(and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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A Scotsman walks into a pub and orders three double whiskies. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the barman, eventually finishing the other two.

Next day he comes in and does the same. This goes on for a few days until the barman finally says: "You know, I can put all those doubles in a pint glass for you."

"No, no, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers, but one lives in America now and the other in Australia, so this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."

The barman agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, then one day, the Scotsman orders only two doubles. The barman begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. Finally, he asks: "Is everything all right?"

"What do you mean?" replies the Scotsman.

"Well", the barman says, "All these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two, I hope something didn’t happen to one of your brothers."

"Oh no," the Scotsman replied, "They’re both fine. It's just that I quit drinking."

hahahahahahaha YOU ARE THE BEST. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST EVER. And pretty much the same sort of reasoning as my Irish stepbrother Nelson.
When he was about fifteen he had already been drinking and smoking(his scottish granny got him doing that) since he was about eleven.
He got smashed one night and came home and was pounding on the door to his bedroom because well I don't know why.
His father came marching downstairs and shouted at him to just open the bloody door.My brother started singing some daft song and his father punched him right between the eyes then carried him and threw him on the bed.
the next morning at breakfast my brother said he couldn't figure out why his head hurt so much. his father said nothing. I whispered to him the truth. He looked totally ticked.so a couple of nights later he came up to his father and said he would fight him right there right then.it was a totally bloody fight and I was horrified and just when I thought one or the other would die they slapped one another on the back and went out for a pint with someone at their house. IRISH MEN!
I can just see you Beer feet up on your desk looking all official as you read with knitted brows a fax sheet. only it is just a copy of jokes. And you get paid for it.
go Beer go! go Beer go!

This was sent to me ages ago. I did a quick search and couldn’t find it so apologies if you have seen it before.


Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex and Clean House 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail p_o_rn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!

These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems.

A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please advise best course of action.

great. poor fellow. he should just try running the hermit 2010 and at least enjoy some peace and quiet for a while.doesn't cost anything and his audience is sure to laugh at all his jokes. :lol:

What do you call a smart blonde?

you and me?

Unnamable,

What platform are you running wife 1.0 on? I ask because in some systems, a shared directory is set up for applications such as MS Money, Overdraft 2000 and Credit XP. If this is the case, there is little you can do except, save as much functionality as you can from these applications, uninstall everything and buy a Mac (preferably a dirty one) and install RedLight 5.0.

There is also a chance of permanent hard-drive degradation with the system as you are currently operating it. This can cause an intermittent connection failure which can lead to subsequent floppy-drive issues.

Whatever you do, do NOT upgrade to wife 2.0 as this will only make things twice as bad!

I have found that most of these types of problems tend to be blamed on the user's hardware, but have serious doubts that this is actually the case in most instances. I suspect that it is actually a flaw in the logic circuitry of wife 1.0 that is behind the trouble. Unfortunately, attempting to run any kind of diagnostic routine to interrogate Wife 1.0 about this seems to cause further problems.

Sorry I can't be of any further help. I have heard mixed reviews of Divorce 2005 but it involves expensive 3rd party software which can be difficult to install and definitely won't suit all systems.

Regards,

"[email protected]"

Dear Technical Support,

Thank you for your advice. However, further problems led to a complete system failure and I took a sledgehammer to the whole lot. I now intend relying on my trusty Palm instead.

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Originally Posted by sdr4jc

What do you call a smart blonde?

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Artificial Intelligence. :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana: :lol: :banana: