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A belated thank you to all
kittypaws, so sweet of you, loved the cat comment.
Hawk, as always, thanks for helping me improve, I've made some edits.
Dieter, I'm sorry about your dog! Even in your grief your words are comforting and beautiful.
Jerry, thanks for looking out for me x
It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it :)
the green line
it follows a fixed path
from left to right
springy like a grasshopper
it jumps up a few times
lays low
and starts all over again
and so it seems happy-go-lucky
until the seasons end
and the bone chilling cold
stops it in its tracks
then ever so slightly
a twitch
and another
I hold my breath
hope hangs in the air
like the smallest snowflake
it's just reflex
the nurse says
my father looks on
he isn't blinking
I'm sorry for your loss
she adds in a voice as flat
as the bright green line
without closing his eyelids
she disconnects the wires
A remarkably vivid evocation of those last moments, Haunted. The poem definitely puts the reader in the room, as it were. Very well written; captures the emotions of the moment and presents them without fuss. Very powerful piece.
Live and be well- H
Independence Day
Fireworks exploding, reminiscent of Francis Scott Key
That Ode he wrote to victory,
So beyond adequately. Play ball!
Cannot capture the essence of that rapture.
When the Flag was waving still.
No wonder he took up his quill!
Hawk, thank you so very much. Really nice to know I was able to convey it to you. This was one of those which I wasn't sure about.
Evan, a little bit of a surprise holiday contribution. Curious why you'd choose to post here, considering all this gloom and doom from the last few entries. I'm not seeing any connection other than the date/day of posting itself. Didn't it deserve its own thread? I did enjoy it.
Hi Haunted, your latest piece is indeed poignant and despite the morose topic, wit shines through, namely likening the topic to the movement of an insect, similarly green. I also envy your ability to shape short lines.
(And Evan, please don't bury your work in other LitNutter's threads as it deserves its own spotlight. Why not put all your work in a convenient single thread, with later poems posted as "replies" just as others have done: Haunted, Loksenna, DocHeart, and another LitNutter whose name escapes me.):blush:
Auntie
I was a while in before I realised what the green line was. I was thinking it was some ropey metaphor. I should have known better. Think the last two lines would be better shortened. The slow adding of detail is brilliant. So well written and so well handled. Beautifully understated.
I didn't find any trash at all
It's a pity
it has been turned into gold
Auntie, thanks very much for your kind words. Short lines have their perils but really glad it worked for you.
Jerry, you are absolutely right. I struggled with last 2 lines, felt they could be tightened. Done. Good call x.
angliholic, you are so kind. Noticed you started your own thread. Will visit when I have more time later this week or next.
Take your time and all the best to you and your poetry of gold
coffee
fresh brew is smooth
calm and clear like a dark mirror
and when the cream touches
the swirls are crisp
like calligraphy
penned by a genuine artist
instant… on the other hand
is foamy, crude
made up on the spot to please
only to dissolve into nothing
a pretender at best
with that in mind
I'd like to thank you
for the coffee
as you take your sip
to carefully form a conversation
just so you know
I can tell the difference
Hi Haunt, I really like this one. The coffee analogy works well as an extended metaphor. I have a couple of observations though. I feel that the last line of S1 slightly over extends the verse. for me, the natural place for the verse to stop is at artist: "on an enchanting invite" feels a bit weak.
The second point is the line break at S2 L3. This feels unnatural. I can see why you wanted to end the line at spot, it's a stronger word with a harder consonant, but everywhere else in the poem the individual lines represent complete thoughts/clauses, as it were. To follow this pattern I'd have started the next line at "but". I wonder if you shouldn't drop "to please" altogether. Just a thought.
Lastly the final line is a bit weak, ending the line with is... hmmm. Maybe, "I can tell the difference" is a bit more subtle and still conveys the same message.
Always good to see your work gracing the boards.
Live and be well - H
Hawk, agreed totally with everything you said. The "invite' line is just window dressing, to match the "thank you for the coffee" bit. Not really necessary though. Regarding the line break, I realized the mistake after I clicked "post", but too lazy to fix it. And I got caught, lol. Made the changes. Oh, great suggestion for last line. Thanks so much!
Oh the company you must keep! Which is it I wonder? You got me thinking with this one Haunted.
Delta, lol. So true though. There are a lot of tells if you pay attention. Most are benign, thankfully. Thanks for popping in!
That’s a nicely observed moment of the sort of (un)conscious judgements we make of others, Haunted. The personification in the line ‘a pretender at best’ is slyly humorous and shifts the poem subtly onto a figurative level.
It puts me in mind of Charles Simic’s ‘At the Cookout’, in which the male narrator is looking at his wife and her friends laughing at something, but he doesn’t know what, which he finds unsettling.
The lines are quite conversational, which seems fitting, but I wonder if there’s more you can make of the poem’s form – for example, writing the first two stanzas, which contrast the types of coffee, in contrasting ways. You might consider reducing the poem to just three stanzas as well; the last three stanzas seem to belong together.
BV, I see your point about contrasting first 2 stanzas, kind of like pairing, or opposite pairing. I kept changing the last line in S1, I'll change it back to "artist", which would probably make more sense to you and it contrasts better with "pretender". You are right about that. Good call.
Otherwise I am comfortable with the loose form because the feeling between S1 and S2 is so different. S1 is meditative, but when it gets to S2, the tone is more annoyed, almost like venting. Ironically I make instant coffee all the time. But that's beside the point, it's about being served instant coffee when it should have been "real" coffee!!!
The last 3 short stanzas certainly can be combined, but I separated them out for pacing and emphasis. I'd like to slow it down to mimic conversation. Talk... think... look down at cup... look up... talk, etc.
I really appreciated your comment, very helpful. Thanks!
Sometimes we can glean good poems from ordinary, everyday things -- looking at the familiar with new eyes. The Imagists wouls approve the first half of your poem. Yours fooly admires how it "connects" w. the second half.
Auntie, thanks for your kind words. Your hermit crab comes to mind.... but even better!
I saw your name at the end of the thread and thought you'd posted a new one. Looking forward to when that time arrives.
Your fan,
Auntie
A well roasted and very smart coffee analogy. I particularly liked your use of calligraphy in describing the coffee and the bittersweet closing stanzas x
Dear Auntie, so sweet. That's one F word I wouldn't mind hearing over and over, LOL. <3
Jerry, I'll add some whiskey to the "good" coffee, just for you. Clang x
tsunami
never know
when it's going to hit
when it does
there's no stopping
the swell
that rises from
the center of the earth
choking me
my chest convulses
my face squeezes tight
behind a wall of
black mascara tears
all I see is you
you wouldn't know
the damage done
but it really ruins my makeup
Hi Haunt. Yup that's a strong poem, but you could lose the 'it' from S2 L2 and did you really mean massacre or should that be mascara? Mascara would be better ;)
"Goes into convulsion" is a long winded way to say what you mean, "my chest convulses" would be tighter. I like the concept of the last verse I'm not keen on wouldn't. Perhaps don't would be stronger. Just a thought, but there is some good strong imagery here. Love the likening of the tsunami to the emotional swell and tears. Poignant with humour. Your strengths in poetic expression.
Live and be well - H
Hawk you are Godsent. Just the help I needed! First off, I wasn't even sure if anyone gets it. And what was I thinking, after I typed massacre I thought it looked a little funny...lol. Agree with "convulses". I convulsed to see how long winded it was! Thanks so much!
I like the wit in this-- but are we women still expected to mess with mascara?
Thank you Haunted. In this sea of s hit ( there is an elephant in this room) it's a joy to find you bathing in your tsunami in your 1948 swimsuit. Thank f uck for you and a few others. Wiping your mascara and topping you up. X
I love how you personalize the inner tsunami. Great crash onto the shore with the closing line
Well, no, you never know when it's going to hit, do you, huh? Strong evocation of a strong emotion I've never quite understood. And always relished. What a sweet damage even to those of us who don't apply mascara, and how aptly described, dear Haunt. Your poem deserves to be bumped up. Done :-)
Only when they are writing poems ;=) Thanks Auntie for reading and liking. Makes it all worthwhile! I mean writing it, not putting on the mascara….Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntShecky
Jerry, I know that elephant. I'd say the same about you. 1948 swimsuit? You are a riot! x
Delta, thanks. I put all I've got in the last line!
Dear Dieter, good to know that the other half of the non-mascara population can appreciate it. And thanks for the bump!
stress management
I regret
I never took up smoking
or else I'll have something
to bite down on
butt and all
maybe I'd get dressed
(or strip)
and crash
a socialite pharm party
or stay put
druggy eyes swirling with
the hypnotic wine legs
until I can't stand it anymore
and just grab the neck
of that bottle
Yeah, you're so right. Sometimes stress gets to be so much, we seek out questionable forms of "self-medication." (Hah! And they say we don't need Obamacare!)
And you know what, Haunted? If we modeled our lives on that of celebrities, as shown by on Page Six of the paper or reality shows, we might begin to believe that the seamy underside of life --drugs, sex,overdrinking--is the norm and the reality-based, less "glamorous" life style is the anomaly.
I like the wit of this piece.
Don't like to disagree with auntie but I see more desperation than wit here. It's always good to read you haunted. Post more bloody often.
Yeah, but sometimes the best humor comes from desperation. Hence, the great comedians stemming from various ethnic heritages with a history of oppression and suffering--he Jewish people, Black people, the Irish, not to perpetuate any stereotypes, mind you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy
Then again there's the cliché about the clown who's laughin' on the outside and cryin' on the inside. He yucks it up--until he sees how little he's being paid (less his agent's commission.)
Auntie, really enjoyed reading your comment. I think a lot more people will sign up for Obamacare if it offered THIS stress management. Then again their website wouldn't be able to handle it. Sigh. About the celebs and their high life… now rehab is the in thing. It's almost "good" to have a problem…. another irony, to continue your thoughts about the best humor comes from desperation.
Jerry, I'm a bit dyslexic and for a moment I thought you wrote pour more bloody mary lol. Either that or the usual. BTW desperation is my middle name ;)
Hey, Haunt. Where did this come from? I missed it! Sorry about that.
First off, I like it :) but you've mixed your tenses a bit. S1 L3: "or else I'll" would be better as "I'd have something..." Not sure about S2 L2: the dressed/undress jars a bit - but possibly you could just say "(or strip)"
Still wondering about the hypnotic wine legs... Never seen any, so I'm a bit baffled by them. :D
Nice to see you're still alive though :)
Live and be well - H
Hawk, I hope you'll pardon my tardiness. Barely alive. I lost my kitchen and couldn't think straight… Long story.
I'll fix the tenses. I always got them wrong, thanks for the help and please keep correcting. Dress undress does sound boring. I like strip so strip it will be.
Wine legs are the streaks on the glass when the wine is swirled. I didnt' know the term myself until I wrote this. Actually found out via research. Imagine that, I actually research for these dumb simplistic poems, LOL.
late winter
the cold is numbing
except my hands
warm under my sweater
sweeping up and around
where yours have been
never know
if it'll snow again
still I want
one last blizzard
blinding
intensifying
hyperventilating
no questions asked
down we go
limbs fanning
two fallen snow angels
doing what we do best on our backs
the world be damned
so would there be
more snow
or is this
the end
Hi Haunt. Really like this - longing and passion in a neat package. It as a couple of small issues though. The last line of S1 lacks the elegance of the rest of the poem. Perhaps "where yours have been" would be better here. My only other niggle is in S6 where you say "so would there be" to fit with the rest of the piece the would really needs to be a will, and I'm not sure about "another". I think more would fit better here. Using would confuses tenses. The rest of the poem is in present tense but would makes it sound like a comment on the past, i.e. You could say "I wondered if there would be more snow" but "so will there be more snow" is a smoother transition from the present to the future.
Apart from my nit picking I love the immediacy of the piece. Very expressive. Good work.
Live and be well - H