Robin,
In all this world can there possibly be a more endearing person than you?(no really I want to know)
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Robin,
In all this world can there possibly be a more endearing person than you?(no really I want to know)
This one is truly horrible, and I apologize in advance. But the "which book are you" thread told me I was vulgar, so I must abide.
Q: What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.
oh my gawd,
my brother used to say that all the time along with "smooth move exlax" when I made a mistake.
And here I had the most lofty vision of you Beer, up there with oh I don't know prime ministers, Bob and Doug McKenzie( you have to be Canadian to appreciate that)
I always see you in jeans, a white shirt, at a nifty shining desk and you always have a beer in your hand, the teli on to watch sports and a picture of a tiny blonde.
and now this, gasp!
To attempt to reinstall dear Rachel's faith in me, here are a couple of slightly more high-brow jokes.
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A mathematician, an statistician and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The statistician says "Hmmm... on average, four. Give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and whispers "What do you want it to equal?"
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A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."
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And on the same note, a mechanic, an electrical engineer, a chemist and a computer helpdesk operative are out driving when suddenly the car's engine dies and they're standing on the side of the road unable to start it. The mechanic says: "Something's wrong with the engine. Let's open the hood and have a look." The electrical engineer says: "The electrical system is on the fritz. Let's check and see if the battery is working." The chemist says: "We're obviously out of gas. Let's run to the nearest gas station and buy some more." The computer helpdesk operative says: "Look, let's just get out of the car, slam the doors, walk around it and then get back in and try again."
I've got a couple of similar ones: -
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An economist, a statistician and a mathematician are on a train, heading into Scotland.
Suddenly the economist says, "Ah, look, the cows in Scotland are black."
The statistician looks out at the window and replies, "Well, some of them are definitely black. But that doesn't necessarily mean that all of them (or even the majority of them) are black.", and nudging the mathematician, "What do you think?"
The mathematician looks up from his Penguin Compendium of Interesting and Amusing Differential Equations and looks out of the window at the cow-field. After a few seconds of beard-pulling and contemplation, he scribbles a few words on a notepad, rips off the page and presents it to the statistician.
The statistician reads the note (with great difficulty he manages to decipher the mathematician's scrawl). It reads as follows:
"In Scotland there exists a minimum of one cow, one side of which appears black when viewed from a train."
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A catholic priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are engaging in an ecumenical, 'bonding' weekend. They have decided to spend the week fishing on a lake and are to be found sitting together, rods extended, in a rowing boat in the middle of said lake.
"You know what?" says the priest, "This fishing is thirsty work. I could do with a glass of whiskey."
The Imam, seeing an opportunity for cross-faith cooperation, says, "I'll get it. You carry on fishing." He stands up, steps over the side of the boat and calmly walks to the shore, where he enters their cabin, emerging a few minutes later with a half-full tumbler of Jamesons. He walks back across the lake and presents it to the priest, saying, "I am against drink myself. But in the interests of peace, I have made this effort on your behalf."
The priest is amazed at the Imam's ability to walk on water and mumbles his thanks, he is about to ask about the miracle, when the Imam continues, "Oh dear. I really should have picked up my hashish while I was there. A good smoke would really make this boat trip pass in a far more agreable manner."
The Rabbi speaks up, "My friend! I do not approve of the use of hashish, but I realise that it a part of your culture, so I will volunteer to fetch it for you." Without hesitation, he steps over the side of the boat and strides off to the shore, retrieving the Imam's stash from the cabin.
The priest is by now completely flabbergasted, "How powerful must their Gods be if they can let their servants walk on water in this way?" he asks himself. "Surely, the one true God will prove just as mighty." and he waits for an opportunity to prove his faith.
Several hours later, the Rabbi sneezes. The priest leaps upon his chance! "Allow me to go and fetch you a tissue." he cries, leaping over the side of the boat.
There is a huge splash, as the priest's somewhat less than svelte frame enters the water, displacing (according to Archimedian principles) an equal amount of that substance.
The Imam looks at the Rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him about the stepping stones?"
Oh I love that, I was a wreck waiting to see how it unfolded. somehow I never see you sitting around telling jokes. it gives me a wierd feeling like when you wake up and can't feel your head.
Beer, that was good. Intelligent humour is so stuck up and funny at the same time. Rather like having an enema in a costly hospital while watching Seinfeld.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a drug addict & a cultured glaswegian are walking along the raod and see a $50 note on the ground. Who picks it up?
The drug addict of course, the other three are mythical creatures.
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I'm also going to include this here, it'll probably mean little to any of you but XC might get a kick out of it:
England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Grand slam express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Murrayfield, the 18.12 from Edinburgh has been cancelled.
Further bad news as the A1 south has been blocked by a large number of wheelless chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call Scottish emergency services and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home.
*******
And finally back to poking fun at my own culture:
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's no good to do that now, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, I know, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Lots of people wake up and can't feel my head, they are the lucky ones - certainly tomorrow they will be - I'm heading for a hangover the size of Argentina!Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel
Answer: Naaahh!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Xamonas Chegwe
Hehe. But in all the versions I've heard, the rabbi looks back at the imam and asksQuote:
Originally Posted by Xamonas Chegwe
"What stepping stones?"
Be my guest. I heard it from an electrical instructor about 18 years ago.Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Two friends go to the vatican while touring italy, one of the guys is really into barbequing, so he always carries a portable bbq with him.
So when they reach the vatican, the bbq guy sets up his portable bbq under the popes bedroom window, his friend terrified that they are going to get arrested or excmunicated hides behind a pillar after unsuccesfully trying to talk his friend out of this crazy endevour. The guy behind the pillar peeks out behind just enough to see what the pope will do to his friend when he sees him...so in a few minutes the pope walks onto the balcony above the bbq and makes the sign of the cross in the air with his hand and returns inside his room. The guy behind the pillar is completely shocked...he walks up to his friend, who is now packing up his bbq and sais "wow man you were right, the pope does like bbqing as much as you do, I suprised you got a papal blessing", his friend replies "er no, he said you, your bbq, your friend behind the pillar...get the hell out!" :D
Pearls before swine
enough said :D
Jokes that, being from Ohio, are close to my heart:
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain--an Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad and a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni and loved their
school the most. As they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!"
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course, also not wanting to be outdone, the Ohio State grad shouted, "THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES," walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain.
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Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress twenty-two players for the game against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
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Last one, I swear :) You may not understand it unless you're more familiar with the OSU/Michigan programs and rivalry:
Lloyd carr was on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prayed for inspiration. He looked to the heavens and said, "God, what play should I call?"
God answered, "Throw a flat pass to the right." Lloyd called the play and it was intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looked to the heavens and said, "God, why did you call that play?"
God paused and said, "Hey Woody, why did we call that play?"