God at the Rose and Crown inspired this? Well, it did some good :) You definitely outdid it :D
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God at the Rose and Crown inspired this? Well, it did some good :) You definitely outdid it :D
Yikes Hill, that made it a turkey of a blunder!
Jerry, your God at the Rose and Crown indeed inspired this. I'll explain, this will also help answer some of the comments.
Lately I'm a bit obsessed with the concept of time, with the aspect that one can reach back to the past. (Yes, there are ways.) Someone pointed me to Einstein and according to him, the separation of the past, present and future is just an illusion.
So you are right, Auntie, the reference to Einstein has nothing to do with the atom bomb. Some said Einstein was never even in Los Alamos, but because of the Manhattan Project, I figured I'd use the association.
Los Alamos is symbolically useful: It is canyon country — no, Hawk, it's isn't flat, check this out. It's just so perfect as a metaphor, where the persona is literally on a cliffhanger learning that she can go back in time, and also a nice high ground for a leap, as doing the whole quantum leap thing, and the actual jumping, just being in character ;)
Anyway I wanted to write about "time" and was thinking of a technique when suddenly, Jerry's poem, God at the Rose and Crown, popped into my head. I had previously commented on it and it's really an exceptional and memorable piece. Then it hit me Jerry, if you can talk to God, I can talk to Einstein! Thank you very much, you get full credit!
Hawk, I didn't know that definition of "corked', I just thought of it as corking the bottle. I originally wrote "bottled" but changed it because I needed to say "bottle" in the previous line. I'll have to come up with something else. I'm really glad you like it, it turned out not having the effect as I had planned, but I wouldn't know what to change.
Auntie, The "Lyin' King" novella sounds intriguing, good luck! I'm so appreciative that you'd take the time to read my old stuff, and really pleased that it pleased you! The "juicy" poem worked the way I intended, and I just barely got "clockwise" to work, phew!!! About being historically incorrect with the Einstein stuff here, there's so much I don't know, and it isn't exactly sinking in, as I'm just reading bits and pieces whenever I find time which is like never, so there isn't much for accuracy but more an exploration of time as well as an exercise of poetics.
Bar, thank you so much for your kind words, as always. It is a rather ambitious subject and I certainly didn't give it justice. The poem is coming up short, but knowing that you get the sense of it, its so very rewarding.
Your explanation, Haunted, was very instructive, because actually I read your poem from a slightly different perspective. But since there seems not to be conscience of time (linear or otherwise) except in man, I may still have grasped a hair of your reflection... Wonderful poem, Haunted. Thanks again.
Ah. Bar you just gave me an idea. I am changing the title to something more transparent so the rest of the poem can be more readily understood. The original "travel log" refers to the travel to Los Alamos, and also the trip back to the past but it is obscured unless one gets what's going on in the poem, and apparently it isn't as easy to grasp as I had hoped. The poem doesn't scream "spacetime" and I really don't want it to, it's not the center of the poem. So, at the risk of hitting people over the head with it, I'm going to establish the subject right from the get go, this way, it would help in following the train of thought as the poem unfolds. New title coming up....
Very good read. I got the feeling it was the receiving of the quantum 1 commandment E-mc2.
so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds
excellent writing Haunted.
Thanks so much, Fire and Delta, it's reassuring and I really appreciated it after wrestling with it for so long.
Hi Haunt. Fair comment about Los Alamos and thanks for the link. We learn something new every day :D Generally a good edit. The only thing I'd quibble at is "as if to resonate" resonate what? given the context, "and it resonates" would make more sense here as it would then connect directly with the cup in the echoey canyon. Just a thought.
Live and be well - H
Good catch Hawk, I was using "resonate" to mean the reverberations within the canyon, and also contextually in the sense of reaching an agreement that both pain and happiness are relative. Did I phrase it correctly, taking into consideration of both meanings? Maybe, "as if trying to resonate", or "in an attempt to resonate"... I don't know....have rocks in my head this morning, oh, its almost pm.
I can see how you would think Los Alamos was flat. The whole area is a semidesert and most people picture deserts as a flat piece of sand that stretches for miles, like the Sahara. Here, maybe certain parts of Nevada, I really don't know that area too well, just that I've driven through miles upon miles of flat desert from LA to Vegas. But Los Alamos is in New Mexico which the state just below Colorado which has some really great mountains for skiing and even hosted the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, and Los Alamos is part of that regional landscape. Maybe it's part of the Rockies? And while I was looking it up on the map, I spotted a place called Truth or Consequences south of Los Alamos. What a name. Imagine spinning a poem out of that destination....
revealed
a friend found out
from another friend
who found out that heaven
is actually a few feet
above where we are standing
as I confide in him
I measure by eye
that heaven starts
roughly around his ribs
while he leans over
the slick quartz counter
and laces my virgin bloody mary
with a pinch of sin
Hi Haunt. Nice little poem but you've got a slight problem in the expression in S2. As written, it says that the slick quartz counter is lacing your Bloody Mary with sin. Easy fix: "and laces..." As this would flow from the preceding concept without incongruous ambiguity.
Nice wry humour in this piece with a little bite. Much enjoyed.
Live and be well - H
Nicely suggestive - though I'd expect the narrator's version of heaven to be a few inches below the ribs.
H
Walker's going down the hill! though I must confess I had the same thought, :) Haunted. Loved the wit of your poem!
Love it, Haunted! You are the mistress of suggestion!
Thanks Hawk, I didn't see that, I'll fix it. So glad you enjoyed it.
Hill, you have no idea how many different body parts I have auditioned, from buns to booties to Elvis pelvis :D. But I decided on ribs. It's not the most interesting, I admit, but it's got the biblical reference. And I didn't want to give it away so early and quite frankly, I couldn't come up with anything else half decent!
Bar, I figured you would. Thanks!
Thanks Qim, that made my day :)
I nearly missed this one. Damn you, single thread! :D
I enjoyed your devilish side, Haunted ;) Those closing four lines are straight from hell. I love them.
So glad you found this Jerry and thanks for your comment!
* about to post a new half baked trashy poem, bumping this down to start on a new page *
* again *
* one more *
Santa's list
nothin' crazy
just a camera
naturally the best possible
resolution on earth
one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces
and the peace
that has become their eyes
I would also like optical zoom
to pull them close
and infrared lenses
for that extra spectral clarity
and thermal imaging
to chart the orbs as they float
as elusive as sheer white oregano
while I sit in the dark room
waiting
wailing
waning
Santa, if you're real
f*cking bring them home for Christmas
Hi Haunt: There's a bit of a problem with S3:
"one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces"
there are acouple of things about the underlined which jar a bit. The declension in the third line here is not in agreement with line 2 and line 2 reads as incomplete. "Least palpable is a long way of saying impalpable, perfectly good word, but where you say "are their" afterwardes, you need to have something after the plapable word so that the specific of faces agrees with the expression. A word like 'traces' would do this.
not sure about most in the first line here either.
"one with enough pixels
to catch the impalpable traces
of their faces"
would probably be the most elegent way to say this.
S6 L3 you can drop the first "as" because you don't need it.
"waiting
wailing
waning"
I'm not sure about this verse, but I can see why you'd want it. However, it's impact would be improved by making "waiting" the last word. Wailing and waning are weak, with soft consonants, whereas "t" is a hard aggressive sound. it needs to be the one which ends the stanza, otherwise it comes over as weak. I'd use waning first and waiting last.
Lastly, given the title, To Santa, the penultimate line doesn't really agree with the idea of the letter to Santa. The title and body of the the text imply that Santa is being addressed directly, so, "if you're real" would make more sense in context.
Overalll though, the poem is very effective in conveying a sense of lonliness and loss, reaching out to the ephemeral and expressing greif.
Live and be well - H
Amazing, how you convey desperation and sorrow here. Newtown come to mind, of course. But not only. You surpass yourself in originality, Haunted. Thanks a lot for this one. And my warmest wishes for a magic Christmas and a blessed New Year to you and yours, as well as to our common linnet-friends! (I'm so little available these days, have moments to read a piece or two, here and there. Please forgive my hastily reactions!)
"extra spectral clarity"-I like this line. It's a good poem, Haunted. I think Hawkman makes some good points, but on the whole, you get the point of love and loss and being extraneous to your loved ones across quite effectively.
I like your last line a lot, too. :D
Hawk, "if you're real" works! I had been rewriting that line over and over, this sounds most direct. Regarding the 3 "least palpable" lines, I wasn't thinking of the word "impalpable" at all, just "least palpable, yes, seriously. There is something tangible about the paranormal. Grammar-wise, one might expect a noun after "least palpable", but I wrote it to be similar in construct to "the least obvious" which doesn't require a noun, it is the noun. I do like your version, it's smooth and certainly grammatical, but it lost something for me. I could grammarize it and rewrite it as "least palpable/as their faces" but for now I'll keep its original form, for even if it misses grammatically, it's punchier. Your comment on "waiting/wailing/waning" is spot on, with the soft consonants, but that is intentional — it's meant for a fading effect, as one becomes emotionally drained and reduced to nothing. All in all this is another piece that's been a challenge to write, and your attention to details is hugely appreciated!
Bar, I'm really glad you have had a moment to leave a comment, and being so supportive and sweet as you always are. Happy holidays!
Qim, thanks so much! Who knew, the f word is a crowd pleaser :D
tom
I can't remember the last time
but the first time
was some awakening
there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent
but he was crazy
and I love crazy...
a wound-up mountain lion
morbidly mighty
stopping at nothing
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast
he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if his bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand
all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time
the last time
we slept together
they said it'd come back
with time
(or not)
but I do remember the first time
when I got down and crawled
to the forbidding shadow
where he lay
and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was
on the dusky floor
I dabbed his decrepit face
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin
the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time
it was raining cats and tears
~ ~ ~ ~
for Tiger
1994 - 2012
Hi Haunt.
There are a couple of things to pick up on in this poem. Generally the emotion of the piece, the memeno rmori aspect is well realised, but I feel the poem suffers a little from being a tiny bit over written, and there are some peculiar word choices on occasion. There is a danger, when communicating intensely personal memories, either to become obscure or throw in unnecessary exposition.
The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects. Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.
S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"
Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.
"but I do remember the first time
when I crawled to the shadow
where he lay
and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was on the dusky
unforgiving floor"
This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.
My favourite bit:
"he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh..."
and the poignancy of the penultimate verse is well realised.
Live and be well - H
I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?
Hawk, thanks again, as always, for your lengthy and indepth comment, and your observations are all good and correct. It took me like, 4 months to complete this, trying to stay relevant. I wanted to record a tale, abridged, with a condensed timeline and some personal thoughts and sentiments along the way. With that ambition it started out truly overwritten and I've already cut one or two stanzas as I was finishing this. I think I'm ok with the content right now, it's a tad long for my own taste but I can't think of a way to shorten it yet keeping it the same, because the poem also needs to be relevant to me as well, since it's a personal piece, with a dedication.
"A morbidly obese mountain lion", good lord no! I"m using "mighty" here just to describe strength and power, not size. I combined it with "morbidly" to allude to his hunts and kills, that's all. It's an aspect of his character so I want to leave it in. I'll dangle it out and see if anyone else comes to your "unwholesome" conclusion :=DQuote:
The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects.
I knew something was missing! But I don't really write complete sentences in poetry, only contracted forms so instead of adding "moment..." to make a smooth sentence which isn't really my thing, I'll change how the "next" line is written, I"ll see if I can contract it a bit more.Quote:
Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.
Totally agree. I just threw it in there quickly, wasn't happy with it. I've rewritten it.Quote:
S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"
That's a self-conscious thought, yes. Wordy, yes. But I need that to complete that thought because it really isn't coming back....Quote:
Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.
THe "first time" refers to the crawling over. "Once again" refers to what happens after that. It's sequential, same event but not the same actions. If it's confusing I'll split up the stanza and see.Quote:
This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.
Lots of great feedback and ideas for improvement, thanks so much for your time and intensive reading, much appreciated!!!!
Delta, thanks for popping in with such kind words. I have some thoughts to share with you and I want to devote some time to it, I'll get back to you in a little bit.
What if you did something like this:
I don't remember the last time
the last time
we slept together
but the first time
the first time
I crawled...
Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.
Delta, thanks for your comment and patience. I was thinking the same of you, and I think I have already said that in comments posted to your poems. There are a few people here that have the weight to carry an anthology of their own and you are one of them. Your persona as the domestic diva has its charm and is tremendous fun to read. And now you've grown darker, it gives your writing another dimension. Your use of metaphors and how tightly you've spun them, it's a work of art. I used to do that a lot, but then I took a different approach but admire it when others do it. I hope I get to read your published work one day.Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
I just have had a few loose pieces floating out there, since then my editor passed away and I lost interest in poetry writing altogether. I did return to poetry but dropped off again. This is Poetry 3.0. My style has changed a lot and to be honest I really don't know what I'm doing :confused:
Qim, funny you suggested that, I have experimented with that but abandoned it as I already have a few repetitions — "nothing" is repeated in a later stanza — and I tried to avoid overusing it. But repetition is indeed a technique here since it's showing someone who is obviously stuck. I've just revised it, I think it works. Thanks so much for reading and the precious comment, I'm really moved. (I hope he likes it too :angelsad2:)Quote:
Originally Posted by qimissung
Haunted, this is a beautiful, well written tribute. I understand how you must feel; recently I lost a cat named Rascal, very similar to your apt description of Tiger.
Every word was precious.
Fire, thanks so much for gracing this poem with equally beautiful words. And it means a lot to me because I started writing this since September and I struggled so much with it on so many levels, so I'm really gratified you can relate and also share with me your own precious Rascal. There's sure similarity — Tiger was a rascal too, with a capital R! Your comment was reassuring and comforting and I thank you again for taking the time.
There is a lot of emotionally energized contrast in this poem. Along with the plain, truth-honed words, the poem paints a very stark and real image. I appreciated it for that. But what also caught my attention was a coincidence. I've been writing a poem about my father manifesting as the ghost of a dog, who shares the same name as your lost animal. Maybe it's an omen.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Oh wow deryk, that's what I'd call an omen, yes. You've got to write it! It sounds really unique and I'll love to read it, I'll keep an eye out for it. And many thanks for your comment!
I wonder how you are
how's the weather there
have you made new friends
is the food agreeable
do you enjoy the sparrows
the bats and the chipmunks
as much as before
I still put water out for you
filtered and kept cool
in the same metal bowl
for my tabs
I just use plain tap water
I'm taking more
I can't sleep at night
have you regained some weight
is the sun stroking your back
has it rid you of the subcutaneous cold
are you over it now
that ten prolonged minutes
on the stainless steel table
I did not stop in time
would you forgive me
for what I did shorten
by one day
perhaps a week
or were we merely counting hours
on one hand
Cats are cool....they are so independent that is why I am envious of them!
kittypaws
Hi Haunted, nice to see you posting again :)
The "I've added" in S5 L2 confuses the sense of the verse, so I'd be inclined to drop it. The first line of S6 just doesn't make sense, I'm afraid. You really need to take a look at that line and decide what it is you actually want to say. To enhance the flow of the narrative I'd recommend swapping the order of "for my tabs" & "I just use plain tap water" in S3. It'll read much better if you do this.
Apart from my quibbles I think this is a good piece, although I do prefer punctuation in my poems ;)
I love the opening line. I'm sure the departed kitty is enjoying his time in Elysium.
Live and be well - H
hey, h., your poem had a strong echo with me as it's been less than two months that my dog left for the Elysean fields, too. Am glad I read Hawkman's comment, too, because I thought it was only stupid me who didn't grab the meaning of the S6 opening line. Same liking here for the opening lines, they remind me of some lines out of a Sinnead O'Connor song ("Troy"). Good to read you!
I am not a man who keeps pets. But I could not fail to see the pathos and poignancy you captured in S5. Time to move on though maybe Haunted. Your station is somewhere down the line. No need to catch the express and miss the journey. X