Lymerick

There once was a fart who was sad
Since his odor was all that he had
But the ladies abhorred
The fine smells he adored
With an ambiance badder than bad.

WARNING: This is another fart limerick.

Though the wind was caressing my back,
I still farted. It’s brains that I lack.
As the smell smacked my nose
The sweet fumes of the rose
Were replaced by a foul bean attack.

Hair slicked with a fistful of pomade
Mac at his gal's place to serenade
He flubbed a high note
She sought an antidote
And gave Mac a couple of Rolaids

Although chicks are not fond of the fart
And as critics they scorn this fine art
There are times even they--
I assume, anyway--
Leave a foul one to warm their sweetheart.

There once was a dragon to stop
And a knight who was judge-jury-cop
And a damsel so fair
You could smell her blonde hair
Over there where sweet dreams rise and pop.

Once a damsel exclaimed in distress
How her hair was a terrible mess
There were split ends and tangles
Right down to her ankles
It was making her feel quite depressed.

There once was a damsel with hair
And her beauty was such I would stare
At her day after day
Till they hauled me away,
Locked me up, let me dream of her there.

I wonder if what is out there
Is more than a tad bit aware
Than I think it should be?
All the stuff that I see
Might be giving me also a stare.

I’m honest enough. I don’t bite,
Although some claim that someday I might.
So--what if that’s true?
What’s a bad guy to do?
Biting good guys is such a delight.

My sweetie pie robot has said
We deserve human rights when we wed
Then on Valentine’s Day
When we go all the way
We may reason we’re living not dead.

NEW PRODUCT!

If you’re lonely and sad and can’t take
On life’s problems at dawn when awake
We’ve a robot for you
Bring your ex back like new.
We can help you repeat your mistake.

As a robot I do not eat meat.
My silicone skin makes sex sweet,
But I strongly insist
So you don’t get me pissed
That my rights are real facts not conceit.

The damsel knows something’s not right.
She’s disgusted when guys want to fight
So she scratched off her list
All those knights whom she kissed,
But that dragon is such a delight.

There once was a young singer named Jack
But the high notes he couldn't quite hack
Until one day
His best girl, Faye
Hauled off and kicked him in the ball sac

The fine poem I read made no sense
So they said I am frightfully dense.
Make a note anyway.
What’s irrational may
Be one measure of low consequence.

(Not about your limerick, Sancho, which for better or worse made perfect sense.)

There once was a Russian named Putin
On a horse, sans shirt, he's rootin' tootin'
Friend of the Trumpster
Bound for history's dumpster
His actions not so highfalutin

(From my previous ode, Y/N, I'm pretty sure it was for "worse")

When the herd takes the fastest way down,
When the bull hits the fan with a frown,
When the bubbles go bust
And the markets eat dust,
Then the boot kicks the butt of the clown.

I found a blog featuring bi-weekly limerick contests. Here is Madeleine Begun Kane's Limerick Off: http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/ca...limerick-offs/

Oh! I like to cook stuff on my grill
Juicy burgers or bratwurst until
They are charred, good and dead,
Though in hell, I have read,
When we fry our beers never will chill.

There was a young fella named Mort
Was a violent and angry sort
He tried to resist
But was recidivist
And eventually wound up in court

Creepy monsters with hair head to feet
Are delicious. Some like theirs made sweet,
So with sugar they're spoiled
After being well-boiled,
But quite raw they're far better to eat.

There was a chap named Aloysius
Who thought monsters to be delicious
But his girl Betty
Resembled a Yeti
And was staring to get suspicious

A fine mind is a wonderful thing
And my Yeti’s deep thoughts make me sing
Of sweet love at midnight
Underneath bright moonlight
Since her mind doesn’t mind a wild fling.

There once was a yeti named Rory
Sitting in his cave reading a story
Was one of Plato's
With perfidious foes
That Rory thought must be allegory

I once had a Yeti who read
Philosophy over her head.
On Power and Will
I can still hear her grill
Me and scold how I’m dumber than dead.

Rory in a cave sitting on his thumb
Thinking to himself - I am not dumb
Thought he - Do I exist?
If not I'll be pissed
After all, cogito ergo sum

Careful scientists still won’t assert,
Thinking all they can know is inert,
That my yeti is real--
Existentially feel
How I’m moved when this dream tries to flirt.

The lady Yeti was quite flirtatious
Furry and tall and most curvaceous
She wiggled and shook
Drew many a look
Without a doubt she's also bodacious

She has hair from her head to her toes
Since it’s cold with Siberian snows.
Should I go out and buy
Her a ring she’d ask “Why?”
Proof of love is what warms her and glows.

There once was a whiner who said,
“Heavy angst has gone straight to my head.”
So he wrote a love lyric,
A mad panegyric,
In praise of hot babes who have fled.

Since my brain isn’t frightfully clear
And I listen to less than I hear
And this limerick’s got
Nary reason nor plot,
If I post it will it disappear?

I am tempted to think you are right
Though I know you are not very bright
And you might be as wrong
As your tall tale is long
Which convinced me to stay here tonight.

As a damsel she was a fine maid.
After cleaning she’d rest in the shade
Of her dragon, her lord,
With his sparkling rich horde
And pretend he’s a knight, but well-paid.

There once was a Knight of olde
Who rode forth for all to beholde
But as the damsel strode by
He leaned forward to spy
And off of his steed he rolled

Lady Evelyn had quite a plight
Still unmarried, with nary a bite
She resolved not to quit
Ordered dug a deep pit
And awaited the falling of knight

What I call getting into a tight hole

The knight´s fall was so deep
That he instantly fell asleep
But the lady fair
Pulled his hair
He woke up feeling a sheep.

Through the haze the knight tried to see her
He clinked and clanked with onomatopoeia
She smiled sweetly
He blushed completely
And said to Evelyn - "Art thee Dulcinea?"

In a hole there once fell a brave knight
Who thought when he fell things ain’t right
But sweet Evelyn’s kind
And he’s out of his mind
Since she kissed him and turned out the light.

Evelyn, down in a hole just sittin'
With a knight whose head was a splittin'
Wake up sweet prince
Words I won't mince
Like you to me, I for you, am smitten

As a knight pure and true he must ride
But he fell and then couldn’t decide:
Pick the angel or babe?
And the choice that he made
Led to hell but with Babe by his side.