Zoo, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
Lykren, I'm so glad this part works particularly well for you. Thanks for commenting!
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Zoo, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
Lykren, I'm so glad this part works particularly well for you. Thanks for commenting!
what have you done
at my feet
crushed cranberries
the flesh no more
than a pile of pulp
it's only ten ounces
but it weighs
and now it is
fast deliquescing
like decomp
I clutch my chest
as I sink on my knees
I sweep it up
with bare hands
but the dark sticky liquid
drips right through my fingers
my heart
oh my heart
Hello Haunted. Nice to see you around. Homecoming only has one flaw:
"...so I left them out
at the stone cold entry"
Entry should be "entrance" (as in doorway, not rapture :D) Entry is a noun but it is the act of entering not the entrance itself.
Apart from this minor glitch it's a very good, evocative poem.
"what have you done"
Great word choices. "Deliquescing," really juicy! Very expressive and a good read. Much enjoyed.
Live and be well - H
Subtle, sad and understated as always.
I particularly liked this reverse statement:
it's only ten ounces
but it weighs
H
It has a dark, dark beauty haunted. A miscarriage? Or the remains of your heart?
Hawk, great to see you here too! Depending on which side of the pond you are on, "entry" is correct. Over here it means "a place of entrance, such as a door or lobby" (Oxford American Dictionary). Same definition, just different wording, from Merriam Webster. It's actually a term I picked up from poring over architectural floor plans. In the poem I pictured a foyer. I'm heeding your comment and I dont' want confusion, but in this case I'm sticking to "entry" because the "n" sound in "entrance" is a tad too heavy and nasal for the line.
As for your "what have you done" comment, your brand of dark humor carries over and despite the subject matter it brought me a chuckle!
Hill, I said that before and I'll say it again, it's such a blessing that you are back and commenting, your comments are valuable in pointing me in the right direction. Don't go anywhere!
Jerry, it's the latter *sniffles* I need a screwdriver right about now ;)
I returned to 'homecoming' and had that poignant feeling in my heart again; now 'what have you done' stands here before me, this outstanding metaphor, the rhythm, the lament, contained... you are such a genuine poetess, Haunted. It's a privilege, en enriching experience and more... to read you again and again.
What fine touch this displays. You've shown us more than a few inspired moments.
J
:auto: taa daah! (arrives with screwdriver) :party:
Jerry to the rescue! x
Bar, you are so kind, so sweet. You have such depth as a reader and an accomplished poet yourself.
Jack, means a lot to me, thanks
one story
I know these stairs
to second floor bedrooms
up and down so million times
that I can tell the risers
have gotten taller
after two steps up
joint pain radiates like fire
burning from the roots
of a family tree
I grab the bannisters
the only bona fide support system
at the half landing
I catch a deep breath
at this altitude the air is thinner
lightheadedness adds
to the confusion
my hand slips off the iced up railing
I continue the climb slowly
on both hands
after an hour
I reach the top
and collapse
face resting on the ground
I have a panoramic view
of nothing
I run my chapped fingertips
over the arctic white carpet
feeling for remnants
there must be a hair somewhere
to suggest that he isn't gone
Hi Haunt. A good strong poem here, but I'd query S1 L5: The only thing the it can refer to in context is the thought and this would appear to be that the risers are taller. but the poem is in present tense and the thought occurs today, so it kind of contradicts itself and doesn't really make sense. To be honest you don't really need this line.
The other line I'd query is, "the only bona fide support system." it's a bit of a lonely comment amid all the excellent description. Where the rest of the poem shows, this tells. I guess you could either cut the line and combine the first line of the next stanza with "I grab the banisters" to make a discrete stanza, cut the line or replace it.
Apart from these two tiny issues its a good poem which takes us on a journey up the stairs and delivers its punchline on target. I like it.
Live and be well - H
Hawk is spot on with his disapproval of Line 5 - it brought me up short as well. What's the 'it'? The number of times you climbed the stairs presumably but it could be misinterpreted and is a distraction.
I'm also not so keen on 'definitely' in line 7. You're describing their physical properties but I feel it would be more effective if you stuck to showing us how they seem steeper as your footsteps falter... just my opinion.
I don't have such a problem with line 14 - it's foreshadowing what will follow; the narrator left in isolation inside her icy tower.
I could recommend another cut or two to tighten this but overall a very effective piece.
I particularly like the play on words within the title.
H
I hope I'm not bothering you, but would you please explain its connotations to me?
Thanks Hawk and Hill.
You both echo what was in my head when I was throwing this together, about L5. In fact I had a problem with both L4 and L5 (up down up down a million times / I don't think it anymore.) I'm losing both lines. It's just something of my anecdotal experience, I go up and down the stairs so many times, I do it automatically without thinking, the climbing up, and coming down. Until the day the climbing feels so much harder.
The line "the only bona fide support system" is one I actually like, Hawk. I know what you mean, it's a comment and might be out of place, but one can still inject a thought in a description of an event, and it goes with the destruction of the family tree, as family is still one of the greatest support system in our lives. Just now closed up the space and combined the two stanzas into one thought.
Hill I get what you mean about "definitely". There should be a better way, it's so not elegant and shows laziness, but think (and hope) the strain from going up the first two steps answers that. And yes, it's a bit wordy for my liking too, but opted to preserve the sentiments in this particular one, since it's autobiographical. Very pleased that you noticed the little play in the title.
MI, no bother at all, I really appreciated your interest in the piece. It's about losing a family member who lived in the same house. The persona dreads going upstairs to where she used to find him, knowing she won't find him there anymore. So climbing up the stairs becomes really grueling, psychosomatically, as though she is actually climbing a steep mountain, or even Mt. Everest, and succumbing to panic attacks along the way. Searching for a hair is a compulsive act as we treasure a lock of hair from loved ones, or fur clippings of a pet. Hope this makes sense to you, I welcome your feedback.
The closing lines , I love good closing lines. You write the poetry I connect to. *clink*
I have nothing to add but to express my admiration. That was a brilliant work. As mentioned by previous commenters, you beautifully brought the text into a successful end. I really enjoyed this pessimism in the text. Moreover, psychologically it is proved that a pessimist person tends to be more logical than an optimist. That's what made your poem distinct.
Jerry you are a gem *clink*
MI, you are too kind, and thanks for gracing this thread!
Hill, I"m paring down some more, taking out the squeaking steps stanza. I can flesh that out and it can be a poem by itself. Here it seems to be getting in the way. Also tried to replace "definitely" but it became indefinitely worse! I'll see if I can fix it.....
The end here is poignant; you build the tension through the poem wonderfully, though I'd tend to join hill in his suggestion to pare down the poem here and there to make it even stronger. Always so rewarding to read you, Haunted! Thank you and am waiting for more...Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Bar, thanks for the valuable input. I know what else to cut, in addition to what I already clipped out, for a tighter construction, though I can't lose too much as I need a certain length for the built-up in order for the end to be effective. As always I enjoy your comments and critique and likewise, also on the lookout for your new work.
Lovely poem not sure what else to say.
thanks Zoo, short and sweet is you!
You do leave me wanting more of this story
Fire, it didn't even occur to me that it fell short of fleshing out the story leading up to the stair climbing, which, at least for me, is the story. So it's fair to question where's the story behind the story. It's an interesting thought that's worth some further exploring, so thanks for the feedback!
clockwise
are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies
for the few seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
do you believe in eternity
will we have a future
what if you knew my past
would you still come around
in the next hour
or will we one day be stuck
at opposite ends
citing unreconcilable
differences
(previous)
timing
are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies
for those seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually
and unhesitatingly
over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's Comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
like the Dalí painting
do you believe in eternity
or is it just a concept
will we have a future
what if you learn my past
would you still come around
like clockwork
Hi Haunted,
a bit surprised by the positive tone of the poem - no one dies, no one is left, no ghosts ;-) Positively surprised, do I have to point that out? Not that I don't love your other poems, but these just were THE lines I needed this morning. I just wonder whether the poem wouldn't have more impact if you left out the first stanza? The goosepumps and butterflies (I'm rather too fond of them, too, in my own writing) are not all that original, I know (and still use them *sigh*, always the romantic dude). Another minor quibble, it's not the Dali painting that melts, but precisely the clocks. "like Dali clocks" would give the ending away too soon, I'm aware of that; how about "and I melt like Dali hours"? Not the best of suggestions… Another little thing: why didn't you use "learned" in line4 of the 3rd stanza (which would fit better with the "would" in the following line)?
All in all, though, I really enjoyed this.
Haunted, what a change of perspective! It's a simple, quiet poem, but intense; the shy emotion awakes hesitations, but wants to (and allows) hope...
I agree with Dieter regarding "learnED" and Dali's melting clocks, plus would suggest that you find another image for melting, since Dali, if I'm not mistaken, alluded in those paintings to the time's decomposing effects while the melting of your poem's "I" is more of an opening to a (hopefully) building relation.
"Do you believe in eternity/or is it just a concept" - would deserve a discussion, as for me abstract ideas, the moment they're thought, become reality (the density of which may vary) and therefore "just" reads superfluous.
Just my little observations...
I enjoyed and thank you for your sharing this piece illumined with a soft light.
More optimistic than some of your material but still asking questions of what relationships signify.
The closing verse in my opinion suffers because of those first two lines but the rest of your poem is another gem.
It's about time yoy changed the self-deprecating title of your thread!
H
Dieter, Bar and Hill — it's "positive" and "optimistic" only because I cut out the last stanza. Surprise!
Dieter, you're so funny. In my original version, someone did leave, but glad I left it out or else it would ruin your morning! I totally fudged up the poem though. I can see how the first stanza may sound cliche, but it would only be cliche if spoken by people. That thought actually came from an inanimate object, but when I was shortening the poem, some of the clues got lost. I couldn't say Dali clock because it is a clock! LOL. Couldn't give that away, although I'm doing it now. I have to put back some lines and re-post it. The "learn" is intentional and thought I could get away with it. oh well...
Bar, do I dare return to an earlier version that is less hopeful? I probably will, this is so unfinished! I'll fix the conditional, I get obsessive over word counts and letter counts... I hated that extra 2 characters, makes the line longer. I'm crazy like that.... About the Dali clock, it's commonly referred to as the "melting clock" and the original poem was about a "decomposing" relationship. The "eternity" lines is me moving into a "voice" poem, that was my genre. But the words didn't come out right and you are right in pointing them out.
Hill, I"ll see what I can do about those two lines, I like it but not the way it's written. Change the title of my thread? No!! What would I change it to, add a superlative perhaps, "A boring collection of the trashest poems". That's the direction it's heading these days, I have rocks in my head!
A big thanks to all, very constructive comments. I will post a revision.
Your "less hopeful" version, Haunted, resembles you better (I'm afraid). You're now going with your voice. Before, I did have an impression it wasn't exactly YOU (though for your personal life I wish you had simple love, sure and forever happy, ah).
I still have some problem with 'right here on the table/inside Dali's painting,' I may miss something, but would prefer S2 to end simply at "am melting."
Waiting for developments of this!
Like your second version - missed the metaphor completely in your first!
'the Halley's comet' should be 'Halley's comet' methinks.
H
Great opening this time, Haunted and divoirce is the best of endings :) I love to read you.
Bar, I certainly feel more comfortable with this version, I over-edited it the first time trying to put a positive spin but that turned disastrous. I don't like how that "painting" lines read either. I agree ending with "melt", it's a good place for a commercial break, so to speak. I put "clock" upfront into the title to take away the guesswork and strengthens the metaphor. Thanks for the close read and valuable input!
Hill, really glad you preferred this version, it's also my preference. The first version wasn't any good at all and your feedback about its clarity (or the lack of) is much appreciated.
Jerry, same here, fan of your work too and guess what, your "God at the Rise and Crown" inspired my next poem so stay tuned. I'd like to think of divorce as a new beginning *clink*
how to heal a painful past
here I am on a cliff
in Los Alamos staring
at a wild bush of ancient hair
white, electrified
like a florescence of fiber optics
so brilliant my eye tears
I came a thousand miles
to hear it straight from him
the one and only timeless truth
"this is real"
I almost choke
I fall into his arms
he pops open a 1955 vintage
bottled just yesterday
"they exist at the same time
past, present, and future
like triplets of the universe"
so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds
I'm ready to jump
he throws his goblet
down the gaping, echo-y canyon
as if to resonate
"pain is no different
than happiness
it's all relative"
Interesting exploration of reality or relativity - a Mexican Einstein.
May one politely ask 'What's a gobbler?'
I thought I'd ask before Jerry gave you the UK interpretation.
H
Oh dear, it should be "goblet". I got it confused with "tumbler", cross contamination! I fear to hear what the UK interpretation, especially coming from Jerry ;) Fixed!
And the other thing — New Mexico is the state of New Mexico where Los Alamos National Laboratory situates. I didn't say Los Alamos because I thought it might be too obvious, but I totally forgot there are non US readers. I can't t think of anything inbetween so I"m going to swop it and see what others say. Thanks Hill for the feedback!
The term 'provider of oral services' explains one UK interpretation of 'gobbler'.
H
Hi Haunted, sorry to say I've been lax in keeping up with the personal poetry forum because of all the time spent on the "Lyin' King" novella, still not done btw, but getting there. Anyway, I saw your thread and went back to read the ones from September to now--
Liked "What Have You Done" for the effective line breaks (arrangement on the page) and esp., as Hawkman pointed out, for the "juicy" verbs and imagery, albeit gory in a metaphorical way. Stairway poem really accessible, true to life, doesn't get bogged down with lots of metaphysics; same with "clockwise" -- despite the mechanical title,it's earthy and sensual like some of the stuff by Sharon Olds. I got the Los Alamos reference, but again, I'm glad you didn't hit us with a sledgehammer(or an "atomic flyswatter." It's not entirely historical accurate --Einstein's famous letter warned rather than advocated the development of atomic weapons, which physicists like Oppenheimer and Fermi worked on. Also,it's my understanding that the theory of quantum mechanics (and string theory later) was presented by physicists who were looking for an alternative to Einstein's explanation of the Universe. (I'm not a scientist, I don't even play one on TV, but that's where I get all my scientific info.) Still, the tangible imagery allows "travel log" accessibility -- the bottle of wine vintage 1955 (a decade after The Event) is cute; as a whole the piece is whimsical rather than polemic, refreshingly so, since the topic is usually treated with dead seriousness, but your piece cleverly avoids the earnestly-wrought clichés.
Hi Haunted, like this one rather a lot. My literal mind has a problem with "on a cliff in Los Alamos" because all I see is the flat desert. Maybe on the tower would be better? Corked is the wrong word to use, I think you mean bottled, because "corked" is a term for wine which has gone bad, having reacted with the cork. Consequently it doesn't quite make sense as worded. But these are minor quibbles. I like what the poem has to say and the ideas you're playing with, though why you have a thing for Einstein is a bit of a mystery :D refreshingly original.
Live and be well - H
The subtle complexity of this poem is breathtaking, Haunted. Its power imposes a deep reflection, the nucleus of which is humanity, around which circle so many deriving thoughts. You surpass yourself and - what a privilege to be in touch with your depths! Thanks a lot.